A Treatise on Treaties: The End of the War of Nave’s Toe.

Day 159, 09:22 • Published in Canada Canada • by Adam Sutler

My fellow Canadians,

This may very well be the most controversial article to come out of the Voice of London since it’s saturation bombing of the American Media some weeks ago. I arrived home from work yesterday to discover that the War of Nave’s Toe had finally come to an end, as well as the public outcry over the treaty. A keen reader of the Voice of London may think that with public opinion set sternly against the treaty, I would be one of the first to tear it down. I will admit that generally, I’ve had my head shoved so far up the ass of Public Opinion that I see the world as one giant sphincter; but to utterly denounce the treaty which has ended this conflict would be to betray everything I believe and everything I have fought and prayed for.

While some of you may not like the direction in which this article is moving, let me assure you that I am not very favorable towards the actual terms of this treaty. Like most of you I called for gold reparations, the annexation of Alaska, and even the capture of several New England states in order to secure a lasting peace, in addition to a formal apology from Nave and advisors. The fact that this treaty delivers nothing but a scant 100 Gold, which cannot be called “Reparations” even is reprehensible. From the outset of the war Canada has demanded Alaska in order to secure its northern border, gain prestige upon the international stage, and generally to look really cool. The inability of the Administration to allow us to strike at said Northern-most State is an indication of bias if ever I saw one. The concession of this territory to Canada was nowhere in the treaty, and for that I was disappointed.

But again I must stay true to my feelings; for when I first read those beautiful words upon the main screen, “Canada and U.S. have signed peace treaty,” my heart leaped, and I felt as if a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. That weight, ladies and gentlemen, was the weight of doubt: fear of the loss of my homeland, fear of devastation for our economy, and the fear of being trapped within the Ulcid Sphincter of Ass-erica once more. This fear held in check so steadily by faith finally dissipated, for I knew and know that Canada’s future on the world stage had been secured.

Now at the time of the treaty, Canada had finally reached the point where we could move on the offensive. We were not defending our homeland. We were not retaking territory lost to us because of the cowardly and illegal schemes of the American Immortals. The Canadians were about to strike Back! We had recaptured all that we had lost (apart from our gold, of course) and we were set to kick the sleeping giant in the pants… and then the war ended. Admittedly Canada and her allies found themselves in an undeniably superior position for the second time in this war, having recaptured Manitoba with overwhelming force while the American public stayed home and ate chips, and the American administration licked their wounds.

But while there can be no doubt that Canada could have secured at least one of the two American States which had become a battleground; or possibly more; doubt as to final victory remained. After suffering a debilitating recession and famine, the United States economy was finally recovering with the inclusion of over 290 cheap food products by a U.S. Food reserve company. The lowering of imports resulted in a flood of foreign arms into the United States. Quality 4 and Quality 3 weapons from Sweden, Norway and Italy. Only the American Gift Market remained in dire straits. Canadians on the other hand could use the Q3 weapon imports from Spain, and the Q3 weapons of that noble Captain of Industry, Mortimer Jenkins. But beside these two sources Canadians could purchase only Q1 weaponry from domestic and foreign markets. Several cunning warriors took advantage of our low prices on Moving Tickets to capture Q4 and Q3 weapons from our enemy, or purchase them from foreign territories, but with the wellness decrease that implies such a tactic could prove to be costly in the long run.

The National Healthcare System had previously been concerned with the lack of funds going into our hospital system, and the cost of providing free gifts for everyone who needed them. Add to this the suspicious glitches occurring within our largest supplier Goregifts (industrial sabotage mayhaps?) and one would see that if these problems persisted, they could severely hamper our drive into American territory. In regards to food production, despite the calls of our government and food suppliers to ration the food currently on our shelves, within the span of 5 minutes over 60 food products on the Canadian market disappeared. With citizens and allies alike voicing their concern over the lack of food and weapons in our market, is it any wonder Faltnor decided that it would be best to end the war quickly? Granted it is a wonder that Faltnor was even online, but that’s a rant for another day.

We must also consider the political and psychological implications of success in an invasion of America. The States were, and still are a sleeping giant. The vast majority of Americans did not move against us because they really had no reason. This was an unjust war started by a corrupt bureaucrat and his staff against a neutral country. No amount of patriotic propaganda from the Nave Administration would move the public to support this war, particularly after certain dirty deeds were exposed; such as the illegal formation of US Embassies and Recruitment Centers (which I am proud to say I played a part in ridding the world of), and of course the infamous Hospital Scandal. But if Canada were to conquer American territory, we indeed ran the risk of getting the American People off their asses and into the battlefield. Tell me, how many of you would run to the ramparts were Faltnor to declare war on Russia tomorrow? There would of course be a few hawks and mercenaries that would leap at the opportunity, but again, how many of you would take up our fortifications if Russia invaded Canada? I would wager a guess that like in the War of Nave’s Toe, Canada would be unanimous in its call to arms once again! Can we not expect as much from any other nation?

Furthermore, we would risk the onset of Weimar Syndrome, named for the Weimar Republic which existed in the 1920s. Imagine if you will the possibility of gaining the Treaty of our Dreams! American Border States annexed into Canada, a lasting NAP with the PAA, Hundreds of gold in reparations from both the American budget and Nave’s own pockets, and the forced removal of Nave and his cabinet from office in return for a pro-Canada figurehead! Ah, it would be glorious! But what of the standard American? What of the objectors to this war and our supporters within the states? This would be a punishment against the innocent, one which could actually force the American Public into action. I am talking of course of the war guilt issue. The Treaty of Versailles shattered the German economy and reduced them to such a state that they would do anything to regain their prosperity; including the election of a corrupt dictator for whom the ends always justify the means, and is powered by the strength of patriotic rhetoric. Sound familiar? At best in this treaty, we would find ourselves locked once more into a long war of attrition, at risk of having global opinion set against us, and forced to do battle with an enemy which actually cares about the outcome of the war.

We must remember who the real enemy in the War of Nave’s toe was. It was not the American worker. It was not the American soldier who stayed home. It was not even the Pakistani’s who were sent over by their lord Dio to build up their war experience. The enemy in this war was a select few individuals who had managed to take control of the United States Government. The enemies in this war were Nave, and his Secretary of Defence, Dishmcds. Even here, Dishmcds established that he was merely following the orders of U.S. President Saikiliah and resigned over the way the war was handled. While there were other prominent Americans involved within the war, most of them were affected in the same way that I was. We were respected, intelligent users, but when war came, it turned us into monsters. We did and said vile, disgusting and hateful things, but we did it in the name of our respective countries.

But if any war guilt must be placed within a Treaty, it must be directed towards those who are truly guilty. The only one who truly deserved to be punished was Nave himself; not the people he appointed, not the soldiers who followed their orders, and not American Public, who in their indifference or indignation, chose not to engage in this unjust war. In this sense, the current treaty may fall short, but at least comes close to this goal.

As it stands, the treaty itself is not all bad. We eliminated the American clause stating that Manitoba could be PURCHASED of all things, for the sum of 50 Gold, when we recaptured the territory through our own blood sweat and tears! The treaty effectively ends the war, allowing both nations to spend 3 months repairing our battered economies. Politically, it allows Canada to forge the network of formal alliances needed to deter any future American advances into our territory. Furthermore, the lack of war guilt placed upon the Americans provides an equal footing for two new administrations to negotiate. The Presidential Ignoramus Faltnor will no longer be President come May 1st, and judging by the backlash against the war in America; it seems that Nave’s position is now tenuous as well. Should a new administration come to power in the United States, we may be able to put this war behind us and secure the borders of North America against foreign invasion. The war guilt that is implied within the treaty falls on Nave himself, as it should. The allocation of 100 Gold to Canada is a pittance when compared to what the Canadian Government and her citizenry have spent on this war; but it establishes that Nave was in fact the belligerent in this war, and the one who bears the most guilt for the wars outcome.

We must then acknowledge that the outcry against this treaty has occurred not mainly due to its provisions, but due to the way in which it was formed. Legally, the President of any country has the power to sign any peace treaty he wishes, unless a constitution establishes a form by which it must be approved. Faltnor did nothing illegal when he signed this treaty, but his actions were indeed criminal.

Canadians will ultimately have to hold their noses when they accept this treaty, because quite frankly it stinks of corruption. The 100 Gold payment could be interpreted as a bribe just as easily as it could be interpreted as reparations. The fact that this payment was supposed to remain secret only cements this interpretation. Furthermore, the treaty was signed without any consultation with Canadians, or even the Congress, Mayors or Cabinet! Like it or not, Faltnor, we’ve established a precedent when it comes to the signing of treaties. The terms of any prospective treaties, be they entry into MPPs, peace treaties, or even the decision of whether or not to allow a Mexican taco bell to sell burritos North of the Border; have always been debated within the Forums first. Granted there is nothing legally binding you to do so, but for heaven sake, this is the future of our country we are talking about? Don’t you think that the ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES OF THE PEOPLE or at least your own CABINET should be allowed to voice their opinions first?

If this treaty has taught us anything, it is that Canada needs a constitution, as my compatriot Mr. Braham has said. We need to establish the powers of the President in a formal contract, so that this will never happen again.

If this war has taught is anything, it is that one should never underestimate the ability of Canadians to organize themselves at the last minute. We learned never to trust a foreign leader until we received a contract with them, so we can keep the bastards honest. We learned never to be complacent with our foreign relations: that we must actively seek allies, and not a policy of isolationism. Finally, we learned that the nice guy does not always finish last, for he sometimes gets the tie! To all Canadians who fought in this war, I say you are the greatest generation, for you’ve fought for what you believe in, and you turned back the most powerful belligerent war machine this eWorld has ever seen! To the Ravens, Mountain Eagles, Mercenaries, American, Swedish, Irish, British and all other Foreign Volunteers, I give you my deepest and most solemn thanks. It was by your charity, skill and determination that we secured our borders and survived this awful war. As Mayor of Charlottetown, I declare all of you to be honorary citizens of this fair city, and I call upon the Canadian Government to officially bestow upon you honorary citizenship within our fair country for so long as you all shall live! Your efforts shall never be forgotten so long as I have a voice to speak, an arm to fight with, and two legs to stand on.

By our efforts and theirs, God has kept our land Glorious and Free, and until next time:

England Prevails!