What's Under Your Bed?

Day 1,891, 01:48 • Published in USA USA • by Bia Pandora

I'm not referring to your box of adult toy store goodies or stash of Ginormous Boobie mags. I'm talking about that thing that scares the hell out of you that other people think is just.....silly.

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines a Phobia as:

(Noooo, it's not a fake Bia, silly...)

"A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous."

I have this ginormous freakin' toothache right now, which made me think about my greatest phobia...

THE DENTIST



I know dentists are your friend. They make your toofers all pearly white and your breath smell yummy. I know that nowadays they have no problem giving you goofy gas and pumping you up with novacaine so you feel nothing. It doesn't matter.

I have really "soft" teeth. Meaning no matter how well I maintain my teeth, every time I go to the dentist I have at least one cavity. My biatch sister eats candy like its vitamins and has never had one. When I was a kid I had abscesses, cavities and teeth needing root canals and pulled every two minutes. Back then dentists and doctors did not need assistants in the office...back then it could just be you...and him.



Dr. Snow was an evil dentist. My parents used to send me off to the dentist alone most times, as it was just a few blocks from my house. He had no secretary, no assistant...just him and a tiny one room office of pain. He never gave me enough novacaine, and I'd struggle through fillings, etc., with tears rolling down my face trying not to wiggle. Then he'd call my parents, or if they came and picked me up, he'd tell them how horrible I "behaved", so I'd get my butt beat when I got home as well.

To this day I start shaking and crying as soon as I hit the chair. It's crazy how even years later phobias can affect you.



There is this round thing under the bathtub faucet where you flip up a lever to plug your drain when you want to take a bath.



I have twin 15 year old daughters, and all three of us have very long hair. Every month or so the drain gets clogged up and I have to unscrew that circular thingy and pull up this long metal rod that has a springy looking thing at the end. Well, all the hair collects around that springy looking thing.

I made the mistake of taking this off and cleaning off the hair a few weeks ago while my 3 year old son was in the bathroom with me. He was like "ewwww what's that", and I explained it was just hair that I was cleaning off. He went and looked at the hole in the tub where the circular thing normally is and didn't say anything, so I finished up and screwed it back on.

Now, he won't take a bath. He just freaks out screaming about the hole that is under that cover like something is going to jump out of it at him....



Apparently, worse things can happen than your kids walking in on you having sex...I think the poor kid is scarred for life.



A few years back I lived with this guy that did some time...don't ask...I'm a magnet for bad men and bad browser games apparently...

Anyway, this guy was your typical badass. Full sleeves of black and white prison tattoos and a bald head. I used to send him to drop off my older son at school so he could scare the hell out of the bullies just by stepping out of the car.


Ok, he didn't have face tattoos but you get the idea.

One day he's downstairs. I have a finished basement. I'm upstairs in the kitchen cooking dinner like a good wench, when all of a sudden he starts screaming up the stairs, just shrieking...

"BABY....BABY....OMG GET DOWN HERE NOW HURRYUP!!!"

So, I go running down the stairs about busting my butt tripping over myself thinking someone was bleeding. He's standing in the hall outside the bathroom pointing, his face just white in terror.

I'm like..."Baby, wtf, what is wrong, are you OK??????"

He points and says "LOOK".

So I peek into the bathroom and see....nothing. "What, there is nothing there?!", I say.

"LOOK IN THE SHOWER DAMMIT!", he yells.

So, I peek in the shower..and I see....



That's right...Mr. Scary Man was screaming like a girl over a spider no bigger than a sesame seed.

I looked at him. "Are you serious?" *blink blink*

He says all wide-eyed...."BABY THEY JUMP!!!!"

I think I peed a little I laughed so hard.



I know we are ALL terrified of this:



But, I'm curious...

What is under your bed? What scares you?

Love & Hugs,

Bia