Dartreal For Dear Father: The Great Cabinet Revealed!

Day 895, 18:51 Published in Australia Australia by Dartreal
My dear children of eAustralia,

It is time to reveal my Cabinet to the world! I have assembled together a glorious group; all whom I know shall undertake their duties seriously and give nothing but their best. I know that these people will not fail me – for if they should harsh punishments shall await for them. Together, they will help me forge the utopian society that I envision for eAustraliamy eAustralia!

Dear Father of eAustralia: Dartreal.

I believe I don’t have to give a reason as to why I appointed myself to this position. It’s clear to see from my platforms that I am a man with a plan (pardon the pun) and I have the best interests of eAustralia at heart – whether you like them or not.

Dear Mother of eAustralia: Miss Wolf.

Every great man has a great woman behind them and this is where Miss Wolf comes in. She sees the vision I hold for eAustralia and is willing to contribute everything to help me. Helping me achieve my goals in turn helps eAustralia – remember that.

Our relationship is strictly business – during work hours – so I assure you that there is no personal benefit for me appointing Miss Wolf as the Dear Mother of eAustralia (or Deputy Prime Minister if you want to follow the “old traditions”). Like a mother, Miss Wolf shall caress and care for eAustralia and will punish any bad children who step out of line.

Cabinet Administrator: Brenflakes.

I have worked with Brenflakes in the past particularly during the Cerb administration. I know from past experiences that Brenflakes knows how to control a cabinet so I know he will be perfect in the role as Cabinet Administrator.

Brenflakes’ job will be to oversee the Departments within my Cabinet and make sure that they are all doing their job up to my standards. Brenflakes will have full authority over every aspect within the Cabinet and will only answer to Miss Wolf and myself. If he is not pleased with the performance of a Minister I shall not be pleased. If I am not pleased those who are unpleasing will face dire consequences, which will ultimately please me.

Supreme Commander of the eAustralian Military: Widdows9000.

Widdows9000 is one of the most brutal and vicious soldiers that I know. He lives, breathes and bleeds military twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty-five days a year – unless it’s a leap year then it’s three hundred and sixty-six days a year.

The Military, as I mentioned in my policies regarding it, is going to be completely transformed with all units scrapped and turned into one powerful mobile force. I know that Widdows9000 is the man to lead the new military as Supreme Commander, I know all of the soldiers and generals under his command will want to be as bloodthirsty as he is. I know that in a war, he will take no prisoners and show no mercythe perfect man to lead my army.

Director of eAustralian Security & Intelligence Agency (ASIA): Aussie Bloke.

Aussie Bloke has done an outstanding job as Minister of Immigration and Security in the past – but his true potential was held back by the red tape that tangles this country like a spider’s web. That is why I have created the eAustralian Security & Intelligence Agency – a way for the red tape to be shred to bits so that Aussie Bloke can do his job freely without anyone trying to stop him.

As Director of this great organisation, Aussie Bloke will have the power to do whatever he pleases to uncover any hidden enemies or threats that will bring harm to your Dear Father. If he feels that someone is a threat to eAustralia, he shall be allowed hold anyone without any charges in a cell for a period no longer than thirty days – excluding weekends and public holidays. Aussie Bloke will also be allowed to install security cameras within homes, bug phones and is also entitled to use necessary force in order to extract information.

Minister of Labour: Sir_C0nstant.

Sir_C0nstant has done a wonderful job as Minister of Industry so it would be a cruel and inhumane act if he were to be replaced. He has a natural talent for overseeing productivity which comes from his ancestors – Medieval English lords who had hundreds of farms with hundreds of workers.

I have increased Sir_C0nstant’s responsibility as the Minister of Labour to oversee all of the companies under the government’s ownership (and under new laws, all companies will belong to the government). Sir_C0nstant will make sure all workers are paid the cheapest wages and that all of our products will be sold for a very large profit. Sir_C0nstant will make sure that all industries are turning over a certain number of products daily. If they fail to meet the quota, he’ll ask the army to help motivate these lazy employees and disappointing employers.

Minister of Economics: Xavier Griffith.

Believe it or not, Xavier Griffith knows how to handle money. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make sure the right funds are going to the right places. Xavier knows how to move money around very well, given the fact that he moved funds around during his term as Prime Minister without the knowledge of his Minister of Finance. It is a pleasure that I am appointing him as my Minister of Economics.

Xavier is currently drafting plans to boost our economy that will see it shatter the glass ceiling and make this country - and it's people - richer than ever before. From now on, people shall be paid in food rations as they will only spend the money they earn on pleasurable and wasteful things. Instead of wasting this money, Xavier will make sure that it goes into our government for the correct spending. Xavier Griffith will also have the power to cut people’s pay should he receive reports from the Minister of Labour that certain factories are not producing to their standards. I’m sure you all don’t want to go hungry so you all better work harder than ever before.

Minister of International Relations: patti11.

Patti11 has what it takes to frustrate other nations – this is proved from his outstanding relationship with eIndonesia in the past. The Department of International Relations will require some espionage and much backstabbing and I know Patti11 is the right man for the job.

Patti11’s job will be to make sure all of the nations in this eWorld will see things the way I see them. He will convince them that my way is not only the right way, but the only way. He will try to gain the trust of the other nations while giving as much information as he can to our Military for them to plan full scale assaults. Should he manage to convince a nation to allow us to take them over then he will save everyone a lot of money for a full scale war. Regardless, we’ll still attack just to show them what could of happened if they refused our offer.

Minister of Media & Propaganda: CrowdedHouse.

Who better to have for this position than the Smear King himself? CrowdedHouse is very effective at getting the message across so as my Minister of Media & Propaganda, he will be getting the message out that I am your leader – and a good one at that. CrowdedHouse will see posters, statues, paintings and banners made of your Dear Father and they will be spread throughout eAustralia and in all regions that we protect and/or conquer.

CrowdedHouse will also have the responsibility of giving you the news uncensored that I want you all to hear. Any articles or anything that is done to make myself look bad CrowdedHouse will pull down straight away and replace it with the correct information – of how much of a great leader I am. That is how you get rid of those who wish to make you look bad – by having one working for you. Also, if CrowdedHouse attempts to smear me he’ll be put through the most painful death known to man.

Minister of Science: Agentgreeny.

Agentgreeny is a genius. Some of you may not know this but Agentgreeny has been brewing many experiments in his secret laboratory – including ways to create clones to increase our population. With his work on the Baby Booming Department, I have decided to appoint Agentgreeny as the Minister of Science so that he can use his disgustingly high intelligence to further improve our country as well as increase our population.

Agentgreeny’s work with cloning will be fully funded under this Department to further make this society great. The more clones we have, the more soldiers and workers it proves for all of us – and it opens the doors for using the clones as another source of food. If clones are to replace the citizens in all aspects this will mean all of you will soon be obsolete. That’s ok though since this is benefiting eAustralia. I mean, we all want to see a stronger and better eAustralia, am I right? Of course I’m right – if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be running for Prime Minister (soon-to-be renamed “Dear Father”).

Minister of Justice: Binda33.

Binda33 is the toughest women I know so she would be perfect for the role as Minister of Justice. This role sees a fair go in our justice system where Binda33 will make sure that the right people are punished and done so by a fair tribunal of judges – all handed pick by Binda33 and myself. I know Binda33 will make sure all cases are fair and those who offer bribes will no doubt be shown some leniency (that means mercy if you didn’t know).

Anyone who breaks any of the laws in my eAustralia will be dealt with by the new punishments Binda33 will be handing out. So that tax payers’ money isn’t wasted on maintaining prisoners we will introduce the death penalty for a variety of crimes: including murder, rape, paedophilia, treason, slandering Dear Father, speaking out against Dear Father, questioning Dear Father’s lore, kidnapping, fraud, drug dealing, arson, shoplifting, public indecency, traffic violations, vandalism, jaywalking, public intoxication and many more.

Minister of Re-Education: Timeoin.

Timeoin is a walking eEncyclopaedia but I have noticed that there are many things wrong with the history of eAustralia. Timeoin shall make some alterations to our history where I see fit. I’m not a fan of a corrupted history so it will be Timeoin’s job to make sure that it is fixed with the truth.

Furthermore, Timeoin will have the job of educating all of eAustralia so that they know about how great and glorious my term as Dear Father is – now and for years to come. Those who forget will be subjected to Timeoin’s special “Re-Education School” where people will learn to love me and everything that I have done for eAustralia – or die.

Minister of Environmental Relations: Bass Junkie.

I know Bass Junkie is perfect for this newly appointed position of Environmental Relations. I believe that the future lies within our land – as precious and as sacred as it is. It will be Bass Junkie’s job to make sure that any changes to the land, such as deforestation and land clearing, will be accepted by the public and those who oppose it.

As Minister of this position, Bass Junkie will be entitled to do whatever is necessary to put down any hippy protests that try to stop our progression. If I desire to build a massive man-made oasis resort in the middle of the Simpson Desert, Bass Junkie will make sure that there is no around to protest against me (protesting against me regardless is treason). When we blow holes into the ground or cut a tree down, the environment doesn’t feel it so why should there be people defending it? This land is mine to do with however I wish.

Bass Junkie will also oversee the disposal of any hazardous materials. Current plans are to dump all of our waste into the ocean since it’s so big and no one really cares about it anyway but fish.

Minister of Child Relations: Etheodoria Vulpine.

This is another new position that I know Etheodoria Vulpine shall exceed in. I want all the children in eAustralia taken care of. They are our future. If they have a bad upbringing not only does the child suffer, but we all suffer together. I will not see the suffering of any children anymore in my eAustralia.

It will be Etheodoria Vulpine’s job as Minister of Child Relations to make sure all children are primed and ready for the future – military or civil. If she believes a child is going off track and won’t be good for eAustralia, she has permission to eat this child. No doubt Etheodoria Vulpine will pass off some of the perfect children as bad so that she may eat prime meat but I have no problem in this. Everyone is entitled to treat themselves every so often. I consider this a nice little reward for Etheodoria Vulpine for the hard work she will be putting in.

Minister of Entertainment: Christopher Brennan.

For too long eAustralia has gone without fun. There isn’t anything to do but sit around and complain about the smell coming off the body of the person near us. That, my children, is our idea of fun. We have lost this meaning and being eAustralians, we all should know what fun is. Enter Christopher Brennan, a man who knows how to entertain the masses.

Christopher Brennan has done a great job with his soccer teams and has provided us with a very fun sport. As my Minister of Entertainment, Christopher Brennan will be heavily promoting and organising more sports that will surely be crowd pleasers. He will be bring back the Ancient Roman gladiatorial battles where people will fight to the death for the entertainment of millions. He’ll also bring back the Ancient Aztec version of basketball, including the rule where the captain of the losing team is executed. I shall look forward to these sports and more in the future.

Minister of Stuff: Kirkzzy.

No, I did not make up this position because Kirkzzy begged me to give him a position within my government. The Minister of Stuff covers everything that the other Departments will not be doing. The Minister of Stuff will be in charge of things such as Transport. That’s important right? How can you get to work if you don’t have the right transport operating?

There’s also Housing too. If we’re going to expand the population of eAustralia we’re going to need more houses. Kirkzzy will also oversee the Department of Coffee & Tea making sure the mugs of the Cabinet are filled at all times with a nice caffeine fix. Furthermore, Kirkzzy has the most important role in making sure the Department of Janitorial Duties run as smooth as possible. I hate nothing more than coming to a toilet after eIndian Food Night to find out that I have no toilet paper. See, the Minister of Stuff IS an important role – and a role that is punishable by death should Kirkzzy fail.

There you have it eAustralia – fifteen unique individuals that will help usher the new age I will bring to eAustralia – my eAustralia. With these fifteen hand-picked Ministers, I shall turn this country into a blissful utopia for all to enjoy!

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If you wish to read my previous articles on policies I have already talked about, please go to the following links below:
Military Platform.
Domestic Platform.
International Platform.


Take care of yourselves my children for you are the future of my eAustralia.

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I've said it once and I'll say it again as I have been doing throughout all of this lulz campaign – this is a joke campaign I do not wish to run for Prime Minister for real! Do not vote for me! I repeat: DO NOT VOTE FOR ME!!!