Fellow eRepublikans (and eDemocratikans too),
There are questions which Man has asked himself since the dawn of time itself:
#1) What are we here for?
#2) What is the meaning of life?
#3) Is there a God?
Well, an elite team of special operatives and several dozen highly trained monkeys have been assigned to investigate one of these philosophical question and we are now in a position to answer the most important one of all.
Why have I seen 15,000,000 headless chickens but 0 chicken heads?
After several looooong looooong minutes of searching the internet and at the cost of ten thousand treasure maps with an average treasure of 3.30 gold I am in a position to pass onto you a great truth.
A truth that will shock and disturb you.
A truth that will shake you to your core.
A truth so great that my life is at danger by bringing you this report.
YOU MIGHT BE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING THE TRUTH BEHIND THE HEADLESS CHICKEN.
You have been forewarned - and as quoted from the documentary "The Matrix", "ignorance is bliss".
It all begins like this.
In the 1950's, the U.S. Military was quick to acknowledge the importance in the future of computers and electronic warfare and at the order of the President, Bugs Bunny, they were to create a program to study electronic warfare.
As this was the height of the Cold War, and realizing that the USSR already had an advantage in this field, they decided to contact their secret agents in Russia to see what knowledge they could successfully steal. Their agents were unable to gather much information but did manage to report on something interesting - the Russians were having initial success in genetically modifying humans in order to increase brain capacity, response time and more importantly strength.
The U.S. Government wishing to have a similar, if not superior program, contacted the world famous Romanian Olympic Gymnastic Team who by night were also amateur geneticists/computer programmers. After much negotiation, and several trips to McDonalds, they managed to get them to defect to the USA and have the Romanians partake in genetic experimentation.
Nadia Comaneci - Romania's second most famous gymnast.
The purpose of the genetic testing was simple, to create a super soldier... a creature so powerful that when appearing at a battle it could singlehandedly remove the force of 10,000,000 eRepublik tanks.
However, the U.S. Government was quickly disappointed, what they thought was a crack team of scientists turned out to be a crackpot team of scientists.
After arriving in the USA, the Romanian gymnasts/scientists/programmers informed the Military that they had ethical dilemmas about testing on humans and would only agree to do testing on animals - in specific, only on CHICKENS. Being unable to send the Romanians back, and unable to begin the project without their assistance, the Americans agreed to this term.
So, a vast track of land in the American hinterland was selected in order to keep the project secret from public knowledge and since the 1950's, the ADMINS have been breeding and running genetic testing on chickens at Groom Lake, New Mexico, better known as "Area 51" or "Roswell".
Photograph of Area 51 - Notice the U.S. military sign, the giant chickens and their size in relation to a regular car.
Click here for larger
In the beginning, everything ran well and success was overnight. The chickens had off the scale IQ's and the strength of 400 wellness packs. Field testing was about to begin when something went wrong. Following a round of heavy drinking and a playful game of "grab-ass" between the guards, a genetically modified chicken got loose, created its own flying machine to escape from the ADMINS and was seen by locals who were quick to judge that they had "seen an alien" and a "UFO".
After this occurence, the admins realized they had a problem - they had created a creature too smart to control. They could not end the project as the creature had impressive strength which would be needed to destory their foe, and more importantly, frustrate eCitizens everywhere. So after much thought, they decided that upon birth the chickens head would be cut off and a electronic chip would be implanted in the chickens body so it can be remotely controlled.
THESE ARE ALL FACTS, YOU MAY CHOOSE NOT TO ACCEPT THEM BUT YOU CANN'T DENY THEM.
As I can not name my anonymous sources for fear of death by the headless chicken, I can however give you photographic proof.
You have all seen these photographs before.. but have any of you REALLY looked at them?
Headless Chicken #1Q8,45A,2;8,4ZZ repairing it's own electronic chip while in auto-diagnostic mode.
Headless Chicken #834,Q4D,(*34,839 has recieved an order to 404 and is now marching towards a PC near you.
Headless Chicken #834,Q4D,(*34,839 has reached it's destination (most likely a T-10 battle) and is now conducting a code 404 military manuevre.
AND NOW THE CONCLUSIVE PROOF ---
A picture of Chewbacca.
Now, you must realize they have TONS of chicken heads to dispose of.. If they were to dump this in their local landfill they might get noticed - furthermore they have discovered a way to profit from this waste...
Right here let me stop the story... let me tell you that for the past several days, the ADMIN has been on my tail... he knows that I was getting close to the truth... he knows that I know too much.... I can feel him watching over me.... I can feel those headless chickens following me in the dark cold nights... I now know that it is a matter of time before the headless chicken army catches me and ends my existence.
AS WE SPEAK, I CAN HEAR THE HORDES OF HEADLESS CHICKENS BREAKING DOWN MY FRONT DOOR.
I MUST BE BRIEF -- WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THE CHICKEN HEADS?
Click here for larger
Until next time, stay classy San Diego.