Dear eUK
Bradley Reala
I want you.
Dear eUK,
Some of you might know me (the ones I like anyway), but most of you are probably wondering why I'm here, and what the heck I'm thinking writing this in the eUK, right? Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Secretary of State for the eUSA. The reason I'm writing this here is because of a talk I had with your Minister of Foreign Affairs, GLaDOS. I want Woldy!
So, nothing really got done during the talk, but after thinking about it I've come up with the official request from the eUSA. We want this:
You are going to be annexed as a State of the eUSA, and your new State abbreviation will be "GB." Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts, and your state capital will be moved to Wales.
To aid in your adaptation to a culture that is not made of fail, I have taken the liberty of writing a few rules that you must follow. Trust me, they will make the transition as painless as possible.
1. Please stop firing off fireworks on November the 5th. July the 4th is the correct time for fireworks, so setting off fireworks on November the 5th is now banned. If you insist on having fireworks on the 5th, the eUSMC will be happy to aid you in blowing up the two houses of parliament. Your new legislature is located in Florida anyway.
2. You must begin driving on the right side of the road. In this I mean not only driving on the correct side of the road, but driving on the right hand side of the road. Most of the world does it this way, you're only bucking progress by your refusal.
3. You will no longer be allowed to carry weapons. This is non-negotiable. After your numerous showings throughout history (especially when being crushed by the Canadians) we have decided that you simply don't understand how to use a weapon, therefore you should not be allowed to touch them. This includes your "navy." Also, your "navy" will be required to disband. There are no naval battles in eRepublik, so we're not exactly sure how you plan to use your maritime traditions anyway.
4. The right to vote will also be restricted. Seriously, you guys nearly elected the guy supported by Ajay Bruno (a guy we had the sense to PTO/throw out). You've also elected multiple poor candidates for President both before and after Mr. Woldy. The fact that you elected Woldy does not fix this problem. Even a broken clock is correct twice a day.
5. You will stop calling your President a "Prime Minister" immediately. That's silly. The game calls him President. Do you think we threw a fit when we couldn't have a bicameral legislature? You'll also get rid of the House of Lords, see my last sentence. This also goes for your insistence on having a "King." Should you continue to push that particular insistence, Emerick will be instated as your king.
6. We require an apology for a multitude of things, not least of which includes the abomination you released upon us called 'teletubbies.' Your legislature, hereafter called 'Congress' will be tasked with writing an apology to the eUSA. Your current sitting congressmen will be tasked with that, before being dissolved completely and integrated into our own congress.
7. You will all be required to buy dictionaries and look up the word "neutrality," because so far you've been using it incorrectly. Fortunately for you, that will be a moot point when we take over, so this rule is more for your own reference than for any distinct purpose.
8. While you're taking the time to buy dictionaries, we suggest that you buy ones from America. This is to help fix the confusion that arises due to your love affair with the letter "u." A love affair, I should state, that will be ending shortly. From now on "UK English" will be completely abolished in favor of the simpler and more elegant American spellings. You will also stop using "UK Lingo" in favor of USA Lingo.
9. You will turn over the following people to the eUSA; Woldy, Kiera Knightly, and Emma Watson. This will come along with repayment for our efforts in the Marshal Plan. The loans in WWII will be considered a gift, though. You're welcome.
We want the last one especially, kthx
10. You will learn to cook. The Spanish are currently on their way to finishing off conquering France. Once they have, the occupied French will be required to teach you all how to cook. Also, in following with rule 8, you will stop calling Potato Chips "crisps" and you will stop calling French Fries "chips."
11. Finally, you will all be required to switch to the USD for currency.
As you all can imagine, this will be a big change for many of us. I hope you are as enthusiastic about the changes as I, and the rest of America/Canada/Spain/Sweden/Poland/Norwa y/other countries are. Thanks for your time, and remember these rules are both binding and mandatory. I look forward to the coming month!
Sincerely,
Bradley Reala
-Secretary of State for the eUSA
Comments
Reverse colonization! \o/
I stand ready to colonize.
dr;tl
Voted.
I stand ready to conquer.
Also, tl;dr version: "Im 'n ur eUKz, conquering ur landz"
I don't know, I personally love my food boiled to oblivion.
Oh wait, I don't.
Voted.
ZOMG EMMA WATSON NAO!
This is kind of amazing, btw
the thirteen colonies are cute, thinking they are independent of the crown and all~
learn to cook, I lol'd
Oh the irony..
Bit rich tbh, its not like KFC and Macdonalds is fine cooking.
Even if you get the balls to conquer us, do you really expect us to do that?
I think you'll have to come and make us 🙂.
so when we take over you should i write a rubish article about how cocky we are?
oh i see what you did here, you cunning emericans
Shut up Sec of State!
well i say cunning
😮 Brits, trollin' mah article!
One slight correction - you'll have to let them bear arms, Brad - if you make them a State, they have the constitutional right. Just regulate it so that pop guns are included in the licensing provisions.
If that was to happen, at least eUSA would get some history and culture 😉
But Wingfield, they're such children. We'll allow those of them who are able to get citizenship with the eUSA to own guns. The others, though...they could shoot their eyes out!
"Please stop firing off fireworks on November the 5th. July the 4th is the correct time for fireworks"
Yeah cause that makes sense, right in the middle of summer when the sky is light and so negates the effect of the fireworks, light them when the sky is dark, silly americans.
REDCOAT STANDING BY
Come and make us
Do you also give an inspirational speech about duty, etc, every time you sacrifice a pawn during a game of chess?
I can't believe that they want Keira Knightley and we get to keep Cat Deeley. Although maybe they have Cat Deeley already?
You published it in the eUK media, so I would say it is our duty to troll it!
@Vettige Swa: Of course! The fact you're trolling it makes this article a win! 😃
Nothing against , nearly agreed ... but I'd like to suggest a minor change. Instead of dismantling the Navy I recommend to throw the admirals in the ocean to feed the sharks. The low ranks in the Navy just follow orders from that incompetent bunch ready to be enlisted in mental institute. But again , that cost money to feed, house and medicate them. So use the ocean , it's cheaper ...
Driving on the right?
But that causes tornadoes in the northern hemisphere
this is full of epic win lol
dying to know if the state capital will be in Cardiff or Swansea.
deja vu
Bring it on. You will be returning home in a match box.
man emma watsondoesn't look too good in that one
KIRA RULES
Now, when you take over, does that mean we'll have to get morbidly obese and drop our IQ's to that of a second coat of paint to assimilate as well? Or will the eUSMC aid us by doing that for us too?
I do not accept any of these terms and conditions, if you do attack, we will attack back, your nearest allies are all in wars and cannot help and we are NOT MOVING OUR CAPITAL TO WALES!!! that is the worst bit! If you do that I will be using resistance wars for the next 3 years...
Seems a fair price to pay for dentistry
This is such a bad idea :/
Weak. But I vote on giving them Big Ben. At least they wouldn't be late for everything with a decent timepiece.
How am I meant to put that to them!
You don't give an ambassador an easy job, do you!
A note of warning, though - If they say no, Great Britain is one of the most fortified places in the eWorld.
I may just declare myself persona non grata
I stand ready to defend.
Rascully Emericuns.
your acctually going to press the button 😛
FINALLY!!!
Right well hurry up and invade please.
I've got a pot of tea on the stove and would like to push back the invading Emerican forces before tea time.
go eUK go stick your stupid american policies were the sun dont shine down with eUsa 🙂 we will never submit to your demands
forgot 1 thing... we're still using this language called "English" - so we're also gonna rename the language "american"
There's no way in hell I'm using that crappy monopoly money you yanks call a currency.
STFU eUK will never obey you.