[ZW] RUSSIA IS OFFICIALLY DIOIST

Day 786, 13:48 • Published in Pakistan Pakistan • by AgentChieftain



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MOSCOW, Russia - You better believe it, Pakistan. Russia, the humongous country renowned for its bears, stories about bears, men who look like bears, presidents that fight bears, bears in funny hats, and stories about presidents who look like bears fighting bears in funny hats has declared Dioism to be the national religion of the motherland.

kotekzot, the president of Russian Federation and striped cat whose face looks like that of a bear, announced today that Orthodox Dioism is the new state religion of Russia. Orthodox Dioism is the original, uncorrupted form of Dioism as it was originally intended to be read, as decreed by Altnabla and William Walker in the uncensored Book of Dio.



"I am president kotekzot," said the catbearinator, "and this is my religion." He then slams a gigantic book on the table. The book bears marks of age and heavy use, with fingerprints, scratches, creases, and rips adorning its cover like badges of honor. "This is the correct version of The Book of Dio, untouched by the Wigs. Every Spaniard, every Swede, every bear... every last detail that the Holy Prophets dictate is in this book."

He then drew the 'current' revision of The Book on the eRepublik Wiki, which has been altered and rewritten to be more politically correct and barely resembles the original. "Oh my god, who touched Masha? WHO TOUCHED MY BOOK!?" He hurled the censored Book at a framed picture of Alexis Bonte and swore, "ХУИТА!"



GLaDOS, the former president of both Russia and the United Kingdom, never managed to decree Dioism as the national religion. "The UK was a country that just barely shed its hooves," he explained, "the sheer power of Pakistan might have been too much for their formerly porcine hearts to bear." He saw my puzzled expression and quickly interjected; "Bear with me, Agent. Bob Boblo was hardcore pig until we joined PEACE. Do you think a man who was so proud to be pig disgusting could become a Dioist overnight?"

After saying this, GLaDOS cried feminine tears and ran out of my office. He returned five minutes later and recalled how his waifu, Quicksilver, had died while he was in office, and it was his heart that could not bear the pressure. Although I still disagree with GLaDOS, he has admitted that he made a mistake by not converting the UK when he had the opportunity, and he will not repeat this mistake when he returns to power in March.

In the next issue, I will discuss the offers Pakistan has received for Emerick's lifeless body.



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