Day 785, 14:30 Published in Pakistan Pakistan by AgentChieftain
EDITOR'S NOTE: I must say that Josh Frost, the former president of the United States, has to be the slowest goddamned Slowpoke in the history of eRepublik. After posting this article, ZA WARUDO believes that Josh Frost has evolved into Slowking, much to the joy of Pokemon trainer PrincessMedyPi. -AC


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ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Earlier this morning, a freight shipment from Texas was intercepted by the Pakistani Special Forces on the northern border of Pakistan that was addressed to "the sands." Knowing that only steers and queers come from Texas, PSF operative Gordon Frohman immediately removed the package from the cargo truck and sent it to a bomb testing field thirty miles north of the site where the parcel was found. Upon opening the crate, the corpse of former American president Emerick was discovered.

As previously covered in ZA WARUDO, Emerick committed suicide six months ago in an underground bunker in the United States. His stand, aptly named Like A Virgin, took over his American duties from that day forward before disappearing some time last night.

Emerick (foreground) and Like A Virgin (background)

Like A Virgin left a message on Emerick's desk reading that its work in the United States is done and Emerick can rest in peace. The Americans, being slower than the Kotaku staff, finally figured out that Emerick had died and that all of his work had been carried out by a giant green phallus with tentacles riding on a golden chariot for the last six months, and found his corpse in the underground Mahjong Room of the White House in Washington, D.C.

According to his last will and testament, Emerick wished to be buried in the sands of Pakistan, where he claims to have been born. Here's where things get interesting: Emerick's birth certificate has yet to be found, and as the Director of the PSF, I can confirm that there are no records of Emerick ever being born in Pakistan. As a pig American, I have reason to believe he was born in the United States (or at least a country with moderate snowfall) and is not of Pakistani lineage at all.

For this very reason, I am taking action as Supreme Priest of Dioism and barring the corpse's entry into Pakistan. This is not the corpse of a Dioist; Emerick has been known to question Dio's will and disregard Pakistani laws in favor of profiteering and fattening American swine. Moreover, the interference of the American hooved forces during Operation 8U is evidence that the United States is deliberately acting against the will of Dio Brando, which cannot be forgiven.

For now, Emerick's rotting corpse is currently in an unmarked septic tanker truck somewhere in a Goon refugee camp in southwestern China. If we receive no word from the United States, the truck will be condemned as pig disgusting and destroyed in a humiliatingly homosexual and anti-American manner. Hopefully the Americans will retrieve it and give Emerick a burial where he belongs: Sweden.

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UPDATE: This just in! I've received word from White House Press Secretary Harrison Richardson that United States of America has just got told. Sayonara, Emerick!