I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing.
What did one twin say to the other?
There's not enough womb in here for the two of us!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they were married?
What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.
The guardians of the galaxy!
A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?
Someday my prints will come…
What do you do when there's a sink standing outside your door?
You let that sink in.
What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool!
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!
What's the difference between ignorance and Apathy?
Don't know and don't care.
What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow?
How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of christmas passed!
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose?
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent!
How many ears does Spock have?
3. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe dammit, BREATHE!
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut!
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!
Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?
Because she's probably thick and tired of it!
I might have an open casket funeral...
Remains to be seen.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.