[Stilpo] My Revalation

Day 2,391, 14:14 • Published in Ireland Ireland • by Stilpo



Ladies and gentlemen, I finally figured it out - I figured out who krakken must be in real life.

First, though, I need to tell you what happened that led to my stroke of insight. After having vowed to leave the game for good and successfully staying away for the last six months, a few nights ago I got drunk and logged on to eRepublik. I melted down all of my companies and training grounds, donated the majority of the money I got from it (330 gold) to the state treasury and used the remaining 40 gold to create my own political party. It was an absolutely frivolous and unnecessary expenditure but it made me happy and I figured that at least I wasn't hurting anybody by it -- especially since I didn't even plan to use the party for any serious political activity. In fact my intentions were just the opposite: I created the party to be a haven for the neutral and the non-political. It was supposed to be an assertion of my independence, and it was created largely in response to the stacks of messages I found in my inbox from people telling me to join their party or vote a certain way and other partisan appeals. I just wanted a place where I could hang out and be myself during my retirement (at least until the admins delete my account), without taking sides or getting dragged into petty feuds. In this spirit I named the party the "McGillicuddy Seriouis Party", modeled after the real (former?) satirical party in New Zealand. As it states on the real party's Wikipedia page (to which I provided a link to in the party description), the McGillicuddy Serious Party was a "joke party" that "provided 'colour' to ensure that citizens not take the political process too seriously". Its platform included obviously satirical policies such as "free dung" and "full hedgehog sufferage" and "good weather (if the voters behaved)".





Ok, so maybe not the best idea in the world - I was drunk when I created it after all - but either way it was something I had created with my own resources and it obviously posed no political threat to anybody. The party icon alone should have made that much obvious. Imagine my surprise and chagrin, then, when I logged on a few days later and saw that someone else had joined my humble party and was running for party president. If this person had more experience points than me and all else stayed the same he would be the default winner and would take the party away from me. "Who could possibly be a big enough a-hole to do something like this?" I asked myself in despair. "And why?!?!". It just seemed so utterly pointless and inexplicable, like something right out of Dr. Seuss' "The Grinch Stole Christmas".





Then I clicked on the link to see who it was that was doing this to me. Lo and behold, the heartless PTOer turned out to be none other than our very own Releasethe Krakken.






At first I was genuinely confused. Things must have really changed in the six months I have been away. Wasn't RTK always just a harmless troll with an unfortunate habit of typing before he thinks? Didn't he actually used to be one if Ireland's most outspoken critic of thieves and PTOers? As someone who has built his reputation largely through his loud and insistent claims of moral superiority, how could he possibly think PTOing my party less than a week after I created it (and essentially stealing 40 gold from me) was a good idea?!?!





But then it finally dawned on me. Maybe krakken isn't just a harmless troll after all - maybe he is in fact a full-blown grinch!

<<<<<<< CLICK FOR BACKGROUND MUSIC




After all, trolls don't actually steal from people, do they? They may be shameless attention whores, but they are not thieves and PTOers. Grinches, on the other hand, do steal from people. And they usually do it out of spite - often after spending a lot of time in a proverbial cave somewhere, out of touch with the rest of society and grumbling about how shitty everyone else is. Sound like someone we know?







But if I learned anything from the Dr. Seuss when I was a kid, it was that a strong spirit always triumphs over evil. So go ahead, krakken, steal the only thing I have left in this entire game if you must -- it's yours if you want it. And while you're at it, you might as well take some candy from a baby or beat off to some good old-fashioned murder porn. You seem like the kind of person who might be into that kind of thing. But whatever you do, I refuse to let your petty, spiteful, grinch-like deeds pollute my memories of Ireland after I leave. Instead, I choose sing in celebration of the good times I have had playing this game and the amazing friends I have made here.

Ireland, if you are with me, or have ever been a victim of krakken's senseless hate and spite, please join with me in chorus:

"Fah who foraze! Dah who doraze!"





I just hope that someday krakken experiences something that will cause his heart to grow to a relatively normal size. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.





But until then, stay strong Ireland. And don't let krakken get to you. We're all in this together.


Signing out for the last time (again),

-Stilpo