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ROTTING CONGRESS

Claims from the Right Honourable Messrs K. Ravenn and W. Lewis that congress was literally rotting were confirmed last night, when cleaners found the corpse of ex-Prime Minister Talon Karrde decomposing in the women's toilets.

It is thought that, after seeing the queue outside the men's room, Talon, who had been at an Indian restaurant the night before, panicked and decided to make use of the ladies. However, after an accident meant that he was trapped in the cubicle, Talon starved to death. The lack of females in the country meant that nobody discovered the presidential body until the cleaners did their annual inspection.

A reporter from Scandalous was quick on the scene, and got this statement from a startled TUP spokesman: "Mr Karrde was a hero of the nation. His love of tea, women, and biology was distinctly what this country needs in time of war. We believe he deserves a state funeral".

There were reports of parties across the country, most notably in Trafalgar Square, where coincidentally the UKRP were holding their monthly IRC conference.

A reporter asked one reveller, Mr H Orangeby, why he was partying. He replied, pausing to join a chant of "HE'S FOLDED, HE'S FOLDED, TALON KARRDE, HE'S FOLDED", that "Talon was one of the worst things to happen to our country. His ruthlessness, his refusal to back down over the Falkireland islands, and his war with our neighbours were one of the worst times of our nation."

We also spoke with a disgusted onlooker, UKRP Party President Sir H Appleby, who was quick to praise the former Prime Minister: "Talon was one of the best things to happen to our country. His staunchness, his refusal to back down over the Falkireland islands, and his war with our neighbours were one of the best times of our nation."

It is unknown when Talon will be buried.

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BRIBERY

Prime Minister Bohemond has been accused of bribing all of congress during the recent weeks.

Every member of congress reported receiving envelopes in the mail filled with cash and marked as "Wages". A congress spokesperson sai😛 "Who does he think he is kidding? He just wants us to vote the way he wants!"

An impeachment vote, lead by Swedish manager / 80's pop band Sven Goran A-Ha, was quickly shot down in flames. Sven claims that it was because of the "bribes".

Rt Hon. K. Ravenn was quick on the case, saying in an open article for a national newspaper: "We only have some grumpy congress members who only say “Impeach, and we can do better things (and without explain how).

But the saddest thing was just coming. We had the Prime Minister who proposed a bribe : If Prime Minister Bohemond was impeached, Prime Minister Bohemond should give 5G to everybody who voted YES (10G if you are from TUP)."

Nobody is quite sure what he is talking about, but a fuss was caused.

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THE SCANDIES

The Votes are in. Here are the Scandalous awards:


Best Overall 'Player': Horice G Fossil.
Rumoured to have 50 sons to every wife (of which there are several), Horice G Fossil, or is it Horice P Fossil, is a true 'Player'. His sexual deviation was discovered after it was found that he was the true father to the controversial Herb Goku Jones.
Best Article Writer: Horice P Fossil.
Noted Hermit Horice P Fossil, or is it Horice G Fossil, is famous for his articles and hatred of the EVIL Iain Keers. Deserved winner of this Scandie.
Funniest Article Writer: Giorgos Zaikos
Does he count as a writer or a drawer? Does it matter? Yes. He narrowly beat jokesman Small Ant to the title.
Favourite Admin: Buttjam
Buttjam strolls to victory as most popular forum admin.
Most Hated Admin: Buttjam
As the only admin, he was equally the least favourite.
Best Insults: Zaphod
The Ginger-Haired Idiot.
Most favourite Goat: Kevin the ESO Trivia Goat.

Have a go yourself. If they are any good we'll add them.

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Are congress members to Craven nowadays?
Did you celebrate or commemorate the death of Prime-Minister of Talon Karrde?
Should Bohemond Resign?

Yours,

SCANDALOUS