[MONGRESS] Cpt's Steaming Log
Day 4,278, 08:20
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Published in Canada 
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by
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by CptChazbeard
My fellow citizens,
It is my great privilege to call you that today and I would like to take a moment to thank your Minister of Foreign Stuff – Thedillpickl – for granting my citizenship and in doing so assuming all responsibility for any misadventures I may undertake whilst here.
Upon entering this frozen wasteland I was handed a congressional seat and five easy golds by my party president kiisupai as simply being alive and posting “Hi!” on the party feed now ranks me among the most active citizens throughout the entire eWorld.
Needless to say I take this role very seriously and will do my utmost to stand up for the rights and values of the glorious citizens here in the great US state of...*glances at signpost*...Canadia! Together we can march forth towards a bet...hold on a moment...*glances back at signpost*...ahhh sheeeet, I really shouldn't drink and eRep.
Let's try this again.
Hello buddays eh! How boot dem leafs eh? Sorry friend.
I'm here now so I may as well make the best of this. Apologies for not publishing a congress update sooner. Usually I try to get one out weekly but I sort of forgot we had one until a couple of days ago when we went into meltdown after being given a button to press, in the form of an MPP proposal with Estonia/Mixliarder.
Since then I've busted out my non-toxic crayons and scrawled down some ideas for the betterment of the desolate Gehenna I now call home.
CITIZENSHIP
I am living proof that not only should the MoFA be sacked but also that there are catastrophic flaws in the current Canadian citizenship system. However, when I gaze across this barren landscape I see a far greater threat to the eCanadian way of life than I; those pesky Red, White and Blue devils from South of the border! Wobbling over here, taking our lands and making uncouth remarks towards our
WE NEED A GOD DAMN WALL!
I have come up with two designs which represent Canada in different ways yet both offer complete security from illegal entry to the nation. Regardless of design we will demand that America pays for its' construction
Option A: A 100ft high wall made of the three most abundant natural resources in Canada; snow, ice and mediocrity.
Option B: A 2ft high white picket fence with simple yet stern “Please Be Nice” signs posted at every check point.
DONATE/ISSUE MONEY
These are uncertain times we live in. I remember when I were a wee lad 50cc was considered a decent wage and gold was so cheap that children used bars as Lego.
Inspired by Plato's latest
It will mean that eCanadian reserves are guaranteed* against future losses. By using complex algorithms it elimates the risks** associated with Monetary Market trading. What's best of all is that this isn't a scam*** and 'Chazzy Bucks ™' are accepted throughout the eWorld!****
A Chazzy Buck ™
*There are no guarantees.
** There are massive risks involved.
*** This is a scam.
**** Absolutely no one, and I mean no one (myself included), accepts 'Chazzy Bucks ™' as a form of payment.
TAXES
Regarding the aforementioned proposal I feel it is imperative that all taxes are rasied to the absolute maximum and deals are struck with our occupiers to recoup losses. Mo' Money = Mo' 'Chazzy Bucks ™' = Mo' Profits!
MINIMUM WAGE
The current minimum wage is 5.69CC whilst the average wage is over 1,150CC. Taking this into consideration I propose that we use the minimum wage as a form of means testing.
If any person out there - unless working for a commune/in exchange for supplies/any other form of pre-arranged agreement - is working for the minimum wage whilst labour is so scarce and therefore wages so high then they should be taken out the back and shot...or banished to the eUK to debate this issue over and over and over and over...Trust me, they love a wage debate.
NATURAL ENEMY
We've already got one stuck on Greece and 'Operation Save the eUK From Themselves' is currently a no go so we'll have to declare war on seals instead. Clubs to the ready!
Before any of you think this will be a walk in the park it's worth remembering when Australia took on the mighty Emus.
PRESIDENT IMPEACHMENT
Alas we have a shiny new President in the form of TheCanadianPunk. I have very high expectations of a President and unless they meet the following strict criteria I am happy to propose an impeachment at the drop of a hat:
1) Are they CptChazbeard?
2) Are they willing to exchange the entirety of the nation's cash reserves into 'Chazzy Bucks ™'?
Well outside of Dungeons and Dragons/the meta-game I think I've covered all areas in which a mongressman has influence, so until next time.
Stay classy
Hugs 'n' Kisses,
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Comments
good luck mate o7
o/
🙂
Get drunk and tell em to eff off \o/
Ve need to expand ze motherland mein fuhrer
You'll write an article for eCanada, minus klopo, Leo or rylde, so not really eCanada, yet you won't write one for ya old mucker Wayne...
The last three I published in the eUK were reported and deleted! So I am travelling around the English speaking world looking for a sense of humour.
an honoured potentially state-sponsored pilgrimage
And you think the ghastly forces that report every little misdemeanours are going to stop just because you no longer reside in the eUK?
Reported for vulgarity...
I knew it was you all along! You're a dastardly swine Mr Kerr!
eUK must still have a sense of humour. After all, we just elected Appleby again 😛
Ludders will get his day!
Hey, get off Chazzy or I'll come over there and refrigerate your beer.
a new serb < 3
Obviously to late for that wall now that you are in. 😃
You'll build one to keep me in
Exactly, we need a wall to keep people in.
"...the MoFA be sacked..."
See, right off we gots a problem. I was standing in line one day patiently waiting to receive my weekly lotto and pick up some bag milk when the phone in the back room at Eddie's Quick Mart kept ringing. It was quite annoying so I answered it. Mann was on the line looking for govt. workers. Never wanting to pass up a cush job I said "Hell yeah, I'm in!". Next thing I know someone hands me a name plaque that says "Minister of Foreign Affairs and they shove me in this office in the basement. Now they tell me I may only leave when I get someone to take over for me. I believe I was snizzled.
Put me down for 10m Chazzy Bucks. I've got all this govt. funds piled up, you can't turn around in here without knocking over stacks of it.
I've got a wonderful job working for Tembutt. I clean up the dino-brothel after wild weekends. It only pays 69.69 cc but I am allowed to peek in the window sometimes while the party is happening. The things I've seen would curl your hair.
I personally like Punk and believe he'll make a fine President. He has by far the best pot, coke and hookers of any CP for years.
*nudge* *nudge* I you play yer cards right I'll see about getting you a ride in the big chair. *wink* *wink*
Don't tell anyone or the deals off. No one knows about the shadow govt. They call us the "kingmakers". Shhhhhsh!
I love you dude
See I screwed up the last line. If no one knows about us then who calls us the "kingmakers".
❤
Looks like the plan is working Chaz...
Little do you know, there is a shadow government behind the shadow government. We are the kingmakers of all kingmakers and we rule the world. All events are orchestrated by us. They call us admins, but....
"...the MoFA be sacked..."
See, right off we gots a problem. I was standing in line one day patiently waiting to receive my weekly lotto and pick up some bag milk when the phone in the back room at Eddie's Quick Mart kept ringing. It was quite annoying so I answered it. Mann was on the line looking for govt. workers. Never wanting to pass up a cush job I said "Hell yeah, I'm in!". Next thing I know someone hands me a name plaque that says "Minister of Foreign Affairs and they shove me in this office in the basement. Now they tell me I may only leave when I get someone to take over for me. I believe I was snizzled.
It's not being snizzled. It's called bedazzling, which is what we "admins" have now successfully done to your account. Why would you ever want to pass that up?
So how many Chazzy Bucks can I put you down for dude?
LOL You'll be up all night printing Chazzy Bucks. He's got more govt. loot than the rest of us combined. It took him 4 terms sneaking it out in his lunch box everyday.
Indeed. My only question is, what is the conversion rate and what is the limit? Cause I'll do double, no matter what.
Then I'll take those Chazzy Bucks and convert them into eRep game tokens and deal with the currency inflation in this game, the most effective way I know how
man from BoE
he say f******* aye
hello
Dear Chaz,
Please excuse this unsolicited begging letter, however, I'm currently guarding a corner of a foreign field (Normandy, France) in an attempt to once again expand the empire and spread the word of our glorious leader, Bori...errr...Applyby. I've noticed that the foreign johnnies here abouts appear to speak the same perverted English as those Canadian chappies you're attempting to subdue and I wondered if your Chazzy Bucks are also accepted here? If so could you be a sport and send some over (as well as a case of the good scotch) so I can eat again and don't have to swill their fermented apple juice any longer. A new union flag would also help, it's blowing a hoolie here at the moment and my current flag is in tatters.
Yours faithfully,
Horice 🇬🇧
climate change is threatening are ice supply. they expect canadians to do enough to correct it whilst the rest forage on.
eCanada has a wall. We won't let in just any SOB 😃