[GBM] Reports from the eCDC

Day 4,495, 11:26 • Published in USA USA • by Paul Proteus
This article is a satire, which means that Paul Proteus has been kidnapped by his 2013 self and is grave danger


If nothing else, mood music~

Welcome to the latest Goodbye Blue Monday, where not even the yellowist of journalism is in too poor of taste. Alternately, I honestly believe humor is a good coping mechanism. If you disagree, well, honestly nobody's reading this anyway, so you'll get over it.

We always play during interesting times, however, sometimes we also play during troubling times as well. So while we face a global pandemic, threatening lives and disrupting livelihoods, we here at Goodbye Blue Monday have decided ask: how does this effect us, as pixels?

To that effect, we have gone to the newly existent eCDC for recommendations as to how the latest events on the health front should effect our ever-important online lifestyles.

eCDC recommends Social Distancing, Little Change Expected

Speaking as an aid to President Groot's newly modernized contagious disease squad, longtime friend of the paper Tyler Bubblar, issued the following statement: "Normally during an epidemic of these proportions, we recommend the population avoid human contact and self isolate. Fortunately, from our latest research, we believe 97% of eRepublik players have what scientists have termed `no life', and are at low risk of contracting any contagion except for computer viruses". The administration refused to comment on the qualifications of the players leading the official response.

Additionally, while experts frequently predict increased online activity during global quarantine events, we have been cautioned to not expect any traffic to this hell-site due to it being "extremely bad" and "not even that fun," according to internet expert and first time computer user Cromstar.


Official government response

When we asked citizens on the streets what they were doing to prepare, noted horse-man Derphoof indicated a lack of concern, suggesting instead the eUS pour her resources into finding a cure for Equine Arthritis.

Shortage of wipes seen as top eUS Military Strategy

In order to place global events in perspective, we managed to contact Groot's war team for comment. Here is what they had to say:

Goodbye Blue Monday Interviewer: How should we expect the recent health crisis to affect military strategy?

Cthulu..: This is kind of tasteless Paul. Puns? Really?
zRTx: jätä minut rauhaan


Look, there's a lot of "killing" going on in the marketing, that's all I'm saying

Undeterred, we decided to reach out to the head of Groot's media team for an official statement:

Melissa Rose: The thing to remember Paul is wipes. It's all about the wipes. The worst case scenario is always the eUS being wiped. A silver lining, though, is that wipes are also necessary to keep surfaces clean. So as the natural response to any contagion is a run on cleaning supplies, we should expect shortages of Q1-Q5 wipes. And Plato seems unlikely to be subsidizing any wipe programs any time soon. This means that it will be considerably more difficult to Wipe the eUS until at least the summer months.

Well there you have it folks, investigative journalism!

While you're here, join the Feds, we have the best vodka for the end of the world~

Also if you are a Fed, Tyler wants to give you his stuff. Let him!

Yours in digital eternity,
Paul Proteus