2 days have passed and it is finally time to announce the winners of the Second Capitol Post Joke Contest.
The Jokes are...
Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the government think that's too high for a dentist.
What's the most important part of a joke timing.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
Neil Lewis - Joke 1
I saw a Ferrari today with a sign in the window - 'For Sale 150,000 or nearest offer'
I've offered 100 quid. I can't see anyone being nearer than me, I live next door.
Neil Lewis - Joke 2
The cannibal living next door to me [not the Ferrari owner] caught and killed a clairvoyant.
He only put her in the oven for half an hour though, apparently he likes his medium rare.
how do people with no arms or legs swim ?
mick cain - Joke 1
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."
mick cain - Joke 2
I took my dad to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite to eat.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you're my kid."
When I die, I want to go like my Grandad did; in his sleep & peacefully.
..Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
*A local comedian in the United Arab Emirates dropped this one:
"Two Jews... ...walk into a bar... ...NOT IN MY COUNTRY!"
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.” Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde.
Think about it, Mister,
Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says,
“Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A man who studied as an art restorer is called to a billionaire's home.
This billionaire was a collector of both Renaissance and Baroque paintings.
However, due to a recent splurge he had made on a party, he only had enough money left to restore half of his art collection.
He decided to only have this art restorer fix the Baroque paintings because of their lovely whimsical and over the top style.
So once the billionaire had told the art restorer about his problem and only to fix the baroque paintings he asked him, “you understand”.
The Art restorer responded, “Yea, so if it ain't Baroque, don’t fix it”.
Ranger Bob - Joke 1
A polar bear walked into a bar, and said:
"Hi! I'll have a scotch and ......
The bartender says: "Hmmm...why the big pause?"
The polar bear looks at his arms and legs.
"I don't know, I've always had them!"
Ranger Bob - Joke 2
]As a man I think it is ridiculous and unfair when woman say 'men only think with their penis'
I do other stuff with my penis too...
Paul J Keating
I came home this evening to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "It just isn't working anymore, I'm going to stay with mother".
I opened the fridge, pulled out a nice cold beer and took a long drink. Felt cold and refreshing. I don't know what she's talking about, the fridge is working fine.
Nathan Lloyd - Joke 1
So a who women was killed after driving up the M5 the wrong way was found to be naked..
Apparently the Paramedics came very quickly.
Nathan Lloyd - Joke 2
As a man I think it is ridiculous and unfair when woman say 'men only think with their penis'
I do other stuff with my penis too...
How can you tell the Bride at a Bulgarian wedding?
She's the one with the braided armpits.
A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing?
The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.
After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"
The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."
- Honey, let's play a game. If you answer correctly, we're gonna have anal sax tonight..
- But you know I hate anal sex !!
- Shut up. Answer me this: how much is 4 x 4?
- Eighty four.
- Wow!! Correct !!
The newspaper Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. First prize: 20 years.
Matt quinlan Dard
do you want to hear a dirty joke?
billy rolled around in the mud.
do you want to hear a clean joke?
billy had a bath with bubbles.
do you want to hear a dirty joke?
bubbles is the girl next door!
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling" To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?
The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him" So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him." The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of Sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnnie raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and coloured red and brownish."
Well, Johnnie is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnnie is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnnie is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnnie!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnnie, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
And now finally for the prizes...
The 3rd Best Joke Prize of 20 Q7 weapons goes to... mwcerberus
The 2nd Best Joke Prize of 300cc goes to... Binda33
And finally, the Top Prize of 5 Gold goes to... Johnnie Rebel!
The Judges told me it was hard deciding the top 3 jokes as they were all great, therefore I have decided to increase the reward of 2 Q7 weapons to 5 Q7 weapons to give to those that took part.
Have A Great Day,