I Jon Malcom Accept the Office of the President of the United States of America

Day 1,690, 09:21 • Published in USA USA • by Jon Malcom

My fellow Ameritards, (and tardettes because I am not sexist)
It has been a tough time recently watching Evry and Glove go back and forth in some kind of tug of war...

Hard to tell who's the pussy and who's the bitch but I will let you decide.

But in my first few hours in the new administration I have been working hard to un-sign bills that were voted in by congress. Of course I know you thought that congress wrote in indelible ink but I have worked hard to erase their mistakes.

Today: The evil SPOLAND alliance.
Tomorrow: Obamacare.
Next week: The Patriot Act.


And might I add Mrs. Heidi you are truly the hot kindergarten teacher I never had, primarily because I was home-schooled and that would've been wrong.

Here is my goal for America, you'll like it's simple.

1. Gay marriage is allowed but only if you're hot girl and you want to make out in public.
2. Rednecks must consider giving up their loud trucks, guns, or fireworks once a year. Just once Bobby Ray.

Back when Burt Reynolds was cool.
3. We will be invading all countries eventually even if they aren't made yet. Just write that down Sri Lanka and Ethiopia.
4. eNPR will be required to change their broadcast frame to the RL NPR and start saying things like "This E-American Life" or "All Things Not Considered".
5. Breast implants will be part of the stimulus bill.

So that's all I got for the next month. Call me when you need my help. Otherwise I'll be out...




All jokes aside read about Heidi Harmening's day as a kindergarten teacher right here.

Seriously, this is the way I am trying to connect with my female audience on a deeper level. Wait, did someone say that she wanted me to go deeper? /stifles boyish laugh...