How NOT to write a WHPR!

Day 4,672, 07:09 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room


Dateline:September 4th, 2020 (Day 4672)
Location: James S. Brady Press Room, The White House

How NOT to Write a WHPR:


:1: We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally more irritating…
:2: Election Preview








How NOT to Write a WHPR:
Melissa Rose

So now that I’ve shown you how to write a WHPR, I am going to show you what not to do. You should not blatantly post a bunch of images. This is serious, not your personal paper. And you should not hotlink any images.



That image could get replaced with porn and there is nothing I can do about it.



Krapis’s cabinet stands for a photo



You should never write anything about the CP election, except maybe election results. This might be the White House's paper, but it is not the CP’s personal paper.

Election Preview
Deputized Random Guy on the Street, Paul Proteus

As the 5th approaches, Americans everywhere have been asking the same question: "Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then from whence comes evil?"

Well. We can't answer that. But there's another question on eMurrican's lips, and that is: "Who's running for President?" and also "Who is going to win?" You're in luck digital America because your friendly neighborhood WHPR is in the know on all of your most pressing political process prose~

First: Who is running for President?

We sent our staff intern, Malarkey83, to the White House to ask the current President, and our boss, Krapis if he was running. He replie😛 "Who are you again?," "Stop bothering me," and "Yes."

Krapis

Running for President, while also, working his way through Guy Fieri's cookbook

Krapis has just concluded a strong term where he has kept many campaign promises such as stabilizing the United State's foreign affairs goals after a shakeup during his predecessor's term and revitalizing Press Briefings after replacing the lazy hack Tyler had running them. Also, he has phenomenal taste in Bob Dylan albums. The American people deserve to know.

Krapis has the support of the USWP and the Federalist Party and his announcement can be found here:
Serving Another Term

We then sent our other intern Cromstar to find out who else was running. Sadly, Cromstar got roped into a time-share scam in Boca Raton and we are still working on getting him back through targeted ads during reruns of Matlock and Columbo. Anyway, with our interns exhausted, I did some good old fashioned investigative digging and checked the top 5 news to find another candidate: Dominar.

Dominar has been involved in American politics for several months in the CG and Groot administrations, although has recently stepped back after serving as WTP PP. He was recently blacklisted and then unblacklisted, which experts predict will make him more relatable, given this is true of the majority of people left in the eUS.

Dominar

Running for President on a platform of banning salt

Dominar has the support of the WTP as well as the powerful tote-bag manufacturer union for his pledge to bring back eNPR. His announcement can be found here:
Hope and Change

Now, is that all? Other people are on the ballot you say? Yes, probably, but they didn't publish an article so does it really count? Yes, you say?

Fine, also running:
Henry William French from the Black Sheep Party. Presumably, his platform is based on eliminating wool tariffs.
Boomerdude from the EZC Apolitical party. I assume this political involvement will be a scandal in the Apolitical party rocking all 19 members to their core.
And Joshua A Norton of the Oldfarts party. A vote for Joshua is a vote to eliminate the vision test when renewing your driver's license.

Now:

WHO WILL WIN

To determine who will win, and save you, precious reader, from the twisted jungle that we call Election theater, we at the WHPR have constructed an advanced model Nate Silver would be proud of. We invited that Octopus who predicted the World Cup to predict the winner of this election:


If Paul hugs the soccer ball, that means Krapis will win, if Paul stares longingly into the void pondering whether a caged Octopus can ever truly love, that means Dominar will win!

And drumroll please

...

drumroll

Paul has chosen...SPAIN!

Wait...who put that in his tank? Well, we'll have it right next month.

Until then, remember to vote and see you on the 5th o7




And while it is appropriate to put in a quote from the CP and this is about what is not appropriate. I thought I would put one just because I felt like it.

Statement from the CP

"The month of August should be a pretty easy month to be CP." I probably shouldn't have said that, but if I hadn't thought that I might not have run. But while August has been challenging, it has been incredibly rewarding. It is always a privilege to work with highly-functioning people in a toxicity-free environment, and that's what we've got at the White House. We would like to add some additional people to our Media department, by the way, so that would be a great place for new volunteers!


Melissa Rose
Stand in SecMed

Paul Proteus
Deputized Random Guy on the Street



erepublik.com/en/article/2723108
How NOT to write a WHPR