A New Covenant

Day 1,086, 06:00 • Published in Ireland Ireland • by James Keiller

Is the Dail a motley crew of incompetents or a ruthlessly efficient cabal of political assassins? As a TD, I have been grappling with this question in these momentous times. I did not sleep on Monday night, keeping an eye on North Dakota. On Tuesday night, I did what I often do in times of crisis. I comfort ate and took to the bed. I went out and picked a few wild mushrooms, found some cheese and eggs and rustled up an omelette before falling into a deep sleep.

And Lo! A vision appeared. A beautiful figure shrouded in a halo of pink.

"Arise, James Keiller. It is the Angel of the Lord who speaks."

"Sure, but why are you speaking in the third person singular? It’s very disconcerting."

"Yes, this is a habit the Angel of the Lord picked up in her earthly days. You may refer to her as Her Celestial Pinkness."

And so I was carried into heaven on a chariot of pink. On the way I met many of eIreland’s legendary figures, Caladbolg, 😎ayan, Donovan Thomas, Connell Rath.

"Hey Connell", I said, "I didn’t know you were dead."

"Oh James! I died quietly in the middle of my presidency, but because of my sins I am forced to wander eRep forever without a shred of credibility."

Finally, I came to the Holy Place.

"Hey!" I cried. "Aren’t you Brian Boru?"

"Yes, the in-game Brian Boru is really God. He just thinks he’s Brian Boru. Anyway, to business. What is it with you eIrish? Why are my children so vexatious?"

"Well, there are a lot of assholes in eIreland, O Brian."

"That is part of my Divine plan. What kind of a game would it be if everybody was as reasonable as Sean Power or John Gormley?"

"Well, sometimes it feels like you have forsaken us."

"Forsaken you? I sent you the prophets, Longbaugh, Gonzo and Luminara and you cast them out into the wilderness. Admittedly, Longbaugh was a bad call. I may be omniscient, but who could have foreseen that guy turning out to be such a cretin? I sent you my only begotten, Dubhthaigh, and you crucified him, figuratively speaking. I brought Digits back from the dead for crying out loud! What more do you want of me?"

"Well, maybe, O Brian, you could get PP and Manni to rein it in a bit?"

"Look, leave that with me, James, and I'll see what can be done. In the meantime, I have a task for you. I love you all to bits, but eIreland is taking up way too much headspace, so I have compiled Ten Commandments that I may have some peace. I’ll PM you the details. There was a time when I did this on tablets of stone, but, carbon footprint and all that."

So this morning when I logged on, there in my inbox was the following:

James,
Re: PP & Manni thing. Sorry, no can do. Turns out even an omnipotent god has limits.
Take care
BB

Try not to be too much of a dick. You have more in common with your enemies than you will ever know and behind the avatar of every fcucktard and traitor is a real person with feelings.

Game Mechanics is the law. Thou shalt not have strange laws before me. Out-of-game legislation is the work of the Devil and his minions (also known as wannabe lawyers with idle hands).

Thou shalt not steal. I’m sure I’ve said this somewhere before.

Be kind to noobs. Lining up to take the piss out of new players keeps eIreland small in every sense of the word.

Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s. Dodging your lawful tax via the Monetary Market is not the act of a true patriot.

I am a vengeful God. Fanning the flames of discontent is OK up to a point, but beware lest ye burn yourselves.

If you are going to fcuk the Establishment, be sure to use a condom. Thou hast no idea who has fcuked the Establishment before thee.

The Office of Taoiseach is more than an achievement, it is a privilege. You hold the keys of the kingdom in trust for those that come after you. Honour that.

TDs, thou shalt not impeach without cause (includes Lulz, trying out the Impeach Button and doing it for the XP).

Above all, enjoy eLife, but stay in touch with reality. Do your work, get out in the fresh air, have the craic, take every chance to tell your parents how much you love them and remember that all this too will pass.