The War of Ocean Breezes and Coconut Trees
Day 1,522, 17:45
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Published in USA 
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by
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by Marcus Oritas
Dear esteemed readers of the Groovy Gazette,
Today I have a special issue for you because we'll be touching the juiciness of World War V(I call it the war of Ocean Breezes and Coconut Trees. There's a war named after someones toe, so why the hell not?), but first I'll also give you twelve solid puns and anti-jokes right here, right now. (touchy dark humor jokes have been removed)
Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it jumps on you from a tree it will kill you?
A: A pool table
Q: Why didn't the black guy have a job?
A: He was working on his masters degree
Q: Why did the pilot crash the plane?
A: To kill all the people inside
Q: What do you call someone who always points out the obvious?
A: Someone who always points out the obvious.
Q: Why did the Catholic Priest get sent to jail?
A: Tax Evasion
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Q: What was the pirate's favorite letter?
A: Many pirates were illiterate and so did not know any letters, much less have a favorite. However, even if this pirate were able to read, it is unlikely we would be able to find out his favorite letter without asking him, since pirates were primarlily in existence two to four centuries ago. In addition, most people don't have a favorite letter, and so a pirate would probably not be an exception.
Q: Why did the woman leave the kitchen?
She had just prepared her breakfast, and was late for her full-time job.
Q: Why did the chicken commit suicide?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
A: Set an alarm for a reasonable hour
Yo momma's so fat she should probably be concerned about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Now on to section 2, the hot breaking news from the frontlines. The war has reentered a period of even ground. Where there are virtually no empires. This has been an exciting week for the war, as EDEN attacks the heart of Serbia, and the Poles seeks to reestablish themselves.
So harken to me, and let me tell you why the eworld we live in is so violent, albeit funky and snazzy.
And now, the fronts keeping you up at night, in order of importance:
1. As always, The Bodacious Balkan Powderkeg
This war has been longer then most war efforts have been over the past months, as the utter strength of Serbia is chipped at by our pal Croatia, and resilient Bosnia. Bosnia took control of Western Serbia, and launched a succesful attack on Raska. Croatia fended off Serbian efforts towards Slavonia, and is invading Vojvodina. Serbia made a surprise MPP request to Bulgaria which was struck down heartily. However, Bulgaria did make an MPP with FYROM. On top of this confusion, Bulgaria has declared war on Serbia, whose fate may now be sealed. To the north, Romania has undertaken a relatively successful campaign in Hungary. For Serbia, and Hungary the situation is bleaker rather than brighter, but to the south, Macedonia has conquered nearly all of Albania, and should be able to invade the newly independent Italy. It is supremely important we deliver on our progess in the area, and also stop any and all gains by Macedonia into Albania and Italy. The situation has never looked better for us in the Balkans, so keep fighting here, please.
2. Made anew, the Polish-German "Wars of Vengeance."
By the time the smoke cleared from the peaks of Bavaria, hope was shining bright for the reborn nation, that they could remain free from colonial rule, and with the help of allies, prove their strength. Poland had taken Saxony, and Thuringia (the former German capital region), and looked poised to recreate their empire, but Terra blew that whole goldfish out of the tank, with a decisive victory in the snowy mountains of south Germany. Poland does great things with their resource bonuses, so it is important to stop them right there on the border.
3. We are now down to those two fronts of dire importance. Here is the update of Conquest in the World.
-Italy has reconquered all but two regions from Slovenia's clutches, but Switzerland remains fully grounded. Italy, which had the courage to engage in direct war with Slovenia (rather then liberate via RW), will try to liberate Italia in its entirety, as well as Switzerland, and take a shot at the Slovenian heartland. Liberation of both these nations will tip the scales of power in the Mediterranean deeper into EDEN's warm, undying hands.
-Taiwan has captured the whole of Japan this week. This is likely just a training war, but it does astound me that Japan, which could be the most technological nation in the world, would have such weak representation in this game. For the moment, Taiwan has become a new great power of Asia.
-Our glorious American legion had maintained Spain (east Baja) for a good time, but revolutionary forces took control of Asturias, and Cantabria from the USA. Heavy resistance has been observed in Galicia, as well as sporadic resistance in Brazil's sector. The US has once again declared war on Spain to retake the heavily populated north.
--Just so you know, I've had it up to my knickers with people who think that the French are our enemies because we own some territory of theirs. The colonies of Aquitaine, Midi-Pyreenes, and Languedoc Rousillon form an American protectorate that ensures the safety and security of Western Europe. If there is a RW in France, it is not sanctioned by their government, and it could just be Serbia looking for trouble.
-Indonesia has completely repelled Malaysian attacks, and China has been reduced to one final stronghold in the region before they lose prescence in Oceania forever, in Sulawesi. The loss of this region would be disastrous for allied hopes in the area, and will allow Indonesia to get much stronger.
-I was filled with joy today to learn that Lithuania has left ABC, and will seek to join EDEN as a trial member. I have always respected Lithuania as a surprisingly powerful foe, and admired their media. They will shake up the structure of the region, and they just may have destroyed the future for the ABC. I am glad now to accept them as an ally.
A rather short article, I know, but brevity is the soul of both wit and laziness, and I am the personification of both. I hope this gave you hope for our war effort, and encouraged you to fight hard, because you better do that, indeed. Good luck out there and I hope my dark jokes were funny enough to sustain your dark sense of humor.
This is Groovy Gazette, wishing you goodnight, and have a romantic, loving, and glorious evening, sneaking in some kills on eRepublik, between improving something, and loving your family. And May God Bless You.
The Groovy Gazette supports:
Custer's Stand
Mic Check
The Pony Express
Point Taken
White House Press Room
After an intense inward debate, I have finally awknowledged that I support my contemporaries in Warfare Analysis, Blowin' in the Wind, and Eagle Republik News.
The Bastards of Liberty party loves you insatiably. Now don't you break my heart, and leave without even the slightest glance.
Offense was not intended by this article. My policy is, if for any reason you are not completely satisfied, then I hate you.
Votes are snazzy. They will live on as a testament to your snazziness, long after you abandon this game, and all material goods to help the poor or something. So please Vote and Sub!
Today I have a special issue for you because we'll be touching the juiciness of World War V(I call it the war of Ocean Breezes and Coconut Trees. There's a war named after someones toe, so why the hell not?), but first I'll also give you twelve solid puns and anti-jokes right here, right now. (touchy dark humor jokes have been removed)
Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it jumps on you from a tree it will kill you?
A: A pool table
Q: Why didn't the black guy have a job?
A: He was working on his masters degree
Q: Why did the pilot crash the plane?
A: To kill all the people inside
Q: What do you call someone who always points out the obvious?
A: Someone who always points out the obvious.
Q: Why did the Catholic Priest get sent to jail?
A: Tax Evasion
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Q: What was the pirate's favorite letter?
A: Many pirates were illiterate and so did not know any letters, much less have a favorite. However, even if this pirate were able to read, it is unlikely we would be able to find out his favorite letter without asking him, since pirates were primarlily in existence two to four centuries ago. In addition, most people don't have a favorite letter, and so a pirate would probably not be an exception.
Q: Why did the woman leave the kitchen?
She had just prepared her breakfast, and was late for her full-time job.
Q: Why did the chicken commit suicide?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
A: Set an alarm for a reasonable hour
Yo momma's so fat she should probably be concerned about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Now on to section 2, the hot breaking news from the frontlines. The war has reentered a period of even ground. Where there are virtually no empires. This has been an exciting week for the war, as EDEN attacks the heart of Serbia, and the Poles seeks to reestablish themselves.
So harken to me, and let me tell you why the eworld we live in is so violent, albeit funky and snazzy.
And now, the fronts keeping you up at night, in order of importance:
1. As always, The Bodacious Balkan Powderkeg
This war has been longer then most war efforts have been over the past months, as the utter strength of Serbia is chipped at by our pal Croatia, and resilient Bosnia. Bosnia took control of Western Serbia, and launched a succesful attack on Raska. Croatia fended off Serbian efforts towards Slavonia, and is invading Vojvodina. Serbia made a surprise MPP request to Bulgaria which was struck down heartily. However, Bulgaria did make an MPP with FYROM. On top of this confusion, Bulgaria has declared war on Serbia, whose fate may now be sealed. To the north, Romania has undertaken a relatively successful campaign in Hungary. For Serbia, and Hungary the situation is bleaker rather than brighter, but to the south, Macedonia has conquered nearly all of Albania, and should be able to invade the newly independent Italy. It is supremely important we deliver on our progess in the area, and also stop any and all gains by Macedonia into Albania and Italy. The situation has never looked better for us in the Balkans, so keep fighting here, please.
2. Made anew, the Polish-German "Wars of Vengeance."
By the time the smoke cleared from the peaks of Bavaria, hope was shining bright for the reborn nation, that they could remain free from colonial rule, and with the help of allies, prove their strength. Poland had taken Saxony, and Thuringia (the former German capital region), and looked poised to recreate their empire, but Terra blew that whole goldfish out of the tank, with a decisive victory in the snowy mountains of south Germany. Poland does great things with their resource bonuses, so it is important to stop them right there on the border.
3. We are now down to those two fronts of dire importance. Here is the update of Conquest in the World.
-Italy has reconquered all but two regions from Slovenia's clutches, but Switzerland remains fully grounded. Italy, which had the courage to engage in direct war with Slovenia (rather then liberate via RW), will try to liberate Italia in its entirety, as well as Switzerland, and take a shot at the Slovenian heartland. Liberation of both these nations will tip the scales of power in the Mediterranean deeper into EDEN's warm, undying hands.
-Taiwan has captured the whole of Japan this week. This is likely just a training war, but it does astound me that Japan, which could be the most technological nation in the world, would have such weak representation in this game. For the moment, Taiwan has become a new great power of Asia.
-Our glorious American legion had maintained Spain (east Baja) for a good time, but revolutionary forces took control of Asturias, and Cantabria from the USA. Heavy resistance has been observed in Galicia, as well as sporadic resistance in Brazil's sector. The US has once again declared war on Spain to retake the heavily populated north.
--Just so you know, I've had it up to my knickers with people who think that the French are our enemies because we own some territory of theirs. The colonies of Aquitaine, Midi-Pyreenes, and Languedoc Rousillon form an American protectorate that ensures the safety and security of Western Europe. If there is a RW in France, it is not sanctioned by their government, and it could just be Serbia looking for trouble.
-Indonesia has completely repelled Malaysian attacks, and China has been reduced to one final stronghold in the region before they lose prescence in Oceania forever, in Sulawesi. The loss of this region would be disastrous for allied hopes in the area, and will allow Indonesia to get much stronger.
-I was filled with joy today to learn that Lithuania has left ABC, and will seek to join EDEN as a trial member. I have always respected Lithuania as a surprisingly powerful foe, and admired their media. They will shake up the structure of the region, and they just may have destroyed the future for the ABC. I am glad now to accept them as an ally.
A rather short article, I know, but brevity is the soul of both wit and laziness, and I am the personification of both. I hope this gave you hope for our war effort, and encouraged you to fight hard, because you better do that, indeed. Good luck out there and I hope my dark jokes were funny enough to sustain your dark sense of humor.
This is Groovy Gazette, wishing you goodnight, and have a romantic, loving, and glorious evening, sneaking in some kills on eRepublik, between improving something, and loving your family. And May God Bless You.
The Groovy Gazette supports:
Custer's Stand
Mic Check
The Pony Express
Point Taken
White House Press Room
After an intense inward debate, I have finally awknowledged that I support my contemporaries in Warfare Analysis, Blowin' in the Wind, and Eagle Republik News.
The Bastards of Liberty party loves you insatiably. Now don't you break my heart, and leave without even the slightest glance.
Offense was not intended by this article. My policy is, if for any reason you are not completely satisfied, then I hate you.
Votes are snazzy. They will live on as a testament to your snazziness, long after you abandon this game, and all material goods to help the poor or something. So please Vote and Sub!
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Comments
How nice...love the jokes. You ALWAYS keep us informed in the war stuff 🙂
voted
An Irishman walking out of a bar, that's hilarious. The war coverage is great too. Good job!
V+S 🙂
I love this paper, always gives me good information about all the wars going on. And this time an extra dose of humor. Voted
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
Awesome article.
Not crazy about your jokes, they are on some shaky ground... BUT, loved your analysis!
V & S
http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/america-uuml-ber-alles-my-beautiful-america-1950793/1/20
Good read as always. No vote, this time, due to some of those jokes.
To get to the other side.
Literal LOL