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Funny emails from around the interwebs!

I decided to be nice and share the lulz with you.

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Original a😛
Clean fill
Need clean fill rocks are fine. not much. cannot pick up must deliver. will take off you hands for free.

From Me to brad ********:

Hello,

I have some rocks I need to get rid of. I have several different types of rocks ranging from 1/2" to 6" rocks. Just let me know what kind you want, how much you need, and when I can send my guy to deliver.

Thanks,

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

well i need them to fill a small whole in my backyard so bigger rocks i guess? 6 inch would be good. i only need like 2 wheelbarow loads so not too many. when can you deliver?

From Me to brad ********:

6" it is. I can have a truck there to deliver any time between 9-5 Monday through Friday. Where are you located?

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

do i have to be there for the delivery? i work every day so those times arent gonna work for me. if its cool could you drop them off tomorrow? just tell your guy to put them on the grass at the edge of my driveway next to the shed

heres my address:

517 *********** ln
coatesville, pa

From Me to brad ********:

No, you do not have to be there. I will forward this information to my driver and you can expect the rocks tomorrow.

From brad ******** to Me:

great


The rest of this conversation is the following day. I looked up his address in Google street view to figure out what his driveway looked like.


From Me to brad ********:

Hey Brad,

Just wanted to let you know, we actually need to get rid a few more rocks, so my guy is going to deliver them to your house in about 15 minutes.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

wait what how many more? i dont want any more i have nowhere to put them

From Me to brad ********:

We sent a truckload with about 8 tons of 6" rocks. Don't worry, all the rocks are free of charge.

From brad ******** to Me:

8 TONS? what the f*** you better tell your guy not to deliver them

From brad ******** to Me:

you got that? DONT DELIVER THE ROCKS

From Me to brad ********:

I just got off the phone with my guy, he said he just delivered the rocks. He told me you didn't leave him enough room for all 8 tons by the shed, so he just dumped them in front of your garage.

Best,

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

WHAT THE F***!!!! i told you dont delever them you f***ing dips***! the f*** am i gonna do with all those rocks? you better get rid of them by the time i get home man..... how am i suposed to park my f***ing car?

From Me to brad ********:

I am sorry that we had to block your garage, but you should have left more room next to the shed if you wanted them dumped there. Unfortunately we lack the necessary machinery to load the rocks back into the truck so removal is not an option. Also, my driver said he accidentally backed into your shed and broke one of the windows. We apologize for this. Consider the free extra rocks as compensation for the damage.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

ARE YOU F***ING KIDING ME MOTHER F***ER YOUR PAYING FOR THE SHED

I LEFT YOU PLENTY F***ING ROOM FOR THE AMT OF ROCKS I ASKEDFOR. YOU DIDNT SAY YOU WERE DELIVERIG 8 F***ING TONS OF ROCKS YOU PEICE OF S***!!!! USE YOUR HANDS I DONT GIVE A FUCK HOW YOU DO IT BUT IF I FIND 8 TONS OF ROCKS IN MY DRIVE WAY THERE IS GONNA F***ING HELL TO PAY

F***ING ASSHOLE

From Me to brad ********:

Brad,

If you insist on us removing the rocks then we are going to have to charge you a $500 rock removal fee.

Mike
From brad ******** to Me:

THIS IS SOME F***ING BULLS***

From Me to brad ********:

I am sorry you feel that way, but without the $500 removal fee, we cannot remove the rocks. I realize you must be upset about your shed, so if you like, we can deliver another 4 tons of rocks as our way of apologizing for the shed.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

NO DICKHEAD WHY THE F*** WOULD I WANT MORE ROCKS??? DUMBASS
THIS IS YOUR F***ING FAULT. I DIDNT ASK FOR 8 TONS OF ROCKS AND IM NOT PAYING S***. YOU OWE ME FOR THE SHED AND YOU GET THOSE ROCKS THE F*** OUT OF THERE YOU F***ING PRICK

From Me to brad ********:

If you aren't paying, then you have to keep the rocks. These are really nice rocks, though. I'm sure you will be able to find use for them. I have a pile of rocks in my backyard and it makes for a great conversation piece. If deer are a problem in your backyard, you can use these rocks to throw at them. They also make great paperweights. There are plenty of things to do with these rocks, so enjoy them.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

im at my house now. where are the rocks?

From brad ******** to Me:

oh F*** YOU

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Original a😛
PHONE BROKEN? NO PROBLEM! ***PHONE REPAIRS***
We can fix any phone problem, and fast! Have your phone fixed while you wait. Water damage? No problem. Cracked screen? No problem. Low prices! Customer satisfaction is our priority.
We are located off of Rt 3 near Upper Darby.

From Me to ***********@*********.org:

Hi there,

I'm not sure what happened, but my phone simply stopped working last night. I was talking on it and it suddenly shut off and won't turn on. Do you think you would be able to repair it?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

We most certainly can fix it. What kind of phone is it?

From Me to Will *******:

Oh, I'm not sure...I'm not too good when it comes to technology. If I took a picture of the phone, would you be able to tell?

From Will ******* to Me:

Yes. Or you could check near the battery cover and find the model number.

From Me to Will *******:

I'm not sure how to get to the battery cover. I'll just send you a picture of it:



Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Holy Christ! What the hell did you do to that thing?!

From Me to Will *******:

I'm not sure...I think I might have dropped it.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

...into a fire?!?!?!

From Me to Will *******:

No, I think I'd remember if that happened. So when can I bring it in to your shop?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Seriously? We can't fix that, it is burned to a damn crisp! FYI that is a Blackberry, and you may as well buy a new one - that one is ruined.

From Me to Will *******:

This is an outrage. Allow me to quote your a😛 "we can fix any phone problem."

Why can't you fix mine? Is this your idea of "customer satisfaction" ?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Look, asshole, most phone problems are cracked screens and water damage, which we can fix. What are we supposed to do with a melted hunk of plastic that used to be a phone?

From Me to Will *******:

You tell me. You're supposed to be the expert. Perhaps you should change the wording of your ad so you stop tricking people into thinking you can fix their phones when you can't.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Perhaps you should go f*** yourself.

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Original a😛
LARGE CRIB WANTED
I need a large(tall) crib for my 9 month old. The crib I have right now is too small - he keeps climbing out! I need a crib that is too high for my baby to get out of it. Please respond with pictures. Contact Julia @ ********@verizon.net

From Me to ********@verizon.net:

Hey Julia,

I may have the perfect crib for you. It is a very large crib that has some features to prevent your baby from escaping. Please let me know if you are interested.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

How big is it? Do you have any pictures of it?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

It is very large. As I said, it has modifications to prevent escape. The entire top perimeter of the crib has been reinforced with a metal frame that is connected to a car battery. When someone tries to escape the crib, they will be given a gentile electric shock, which will discourage them from attempting to climb out of the crib again. The price includes a 12 volt car battery, but a higher-voltage battery can always be purchased, depending on how fat your child is. Here is a picture of the setup:



I am currently using the crib for one of my friends who happens to be a midget. He tends to frequently get drunk and violent, so we put him in this crib when he starts getting belligerent. The battery works great for keeping him in, so I am assuming it will work great for your child. The only reason I am getting rid of it is because the midget was recently arrested for arson, so he won't be around for a while.

I have something else that you may be interested in as well. Are you tired of waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your baby crying? With this clever device, you won't even have to get out of bed to calm your baby.



It is a little mobile that I invented called "The Lullibinator." Simply hang it above the crib, and the microphone will detect when the baby is crying. If the crying reaches a certain decibel level, the box will spray a calming mist of pepper spray into the crib. It trains your baby not to cry in no time! It worked great on the midget when he started yelling. It comes with 2% CS pepper spray, which is practically harmless. It can be upgraded to bear mace if your child continues to cry. I have decorated the Lullibinator with friendly smiley faces to comfort your baby.

I am asking $50 for the Lullibinator, and $250 for the crib/battery combo. Let me know if you want to set up a time to stop by and check this stuff out.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

Oh my god

From Julia ******** to Me:

Please tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, right?

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

Why would I be kidding? I thought $250 was more than reasonable. I got a lot of use out of these things before social services took my kid away. I still do whenever the midget comes over.

Mike

From Julia ******** to Me:

I...don't know what to say to you. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. How dare you ever think that I would use this for my child. Don't you ever e-mail me again, you scumbag.

From Me to Julia ********:

Julia,

I've been called some harsh things for my haggling tactics, but you seem to have been very offended by the price I have offered. I am sorry; I had no intention of offending you. I will drop the total price to $200 for everything, and I'll even throw this in for free:



Now you won't have to get up to give your baby a bottle when he is thirsty. This handy crib-bottle will allow your baby to quench his thirst any time he wants. It doesn't have to necessarily be filled with tequila (like I said, this crib was set up for a midget). It can easily be filled with Gatorade, breast milk, or whatever else your baby prefers. Throw in a can of food and the baby can practically live on his own!

Please let me know when you are going to pick this stuff up. I am going to Atlantic City for the weekend, so I need you to get it before I leave.

Thanks,

Mike

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