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Dear exalted readers of the Laconic Canticle,

I believe the phrase, “Charade you are!”, means saying “Oh, well look who’s getting fucked now”.
So that seems like what’s happenin’ these days. EDEN and Terra are avenging most of ONE’s conquest from the past year, putting the war back on even ground. But who should you avenge first? So, here are your top fronts.


Important Fronts


1. The Invasion of the Polish Empire
Because of our glorious liberation of France last week, the French are now free to fight with us. So now they are trying to be the first to successfully conquer the U.K. along with Canada and Ireland. As we continue our liberation rampage across Europe, we will have more and more allies to fight with us, instead of using it up to be liberated. For instance, Germany could invade Sweden or Austria. If we’ve been holding our ground up until now, imagine how smoking hot we’ll be when all them crazy fellas are liberated. That’s why this is an important front for Allied forces. If we take it all the way to the Greater Polish border, then not only is a major power’s economy crushed, we have friends eager to finish the job. Croatia is heading up through Slovakia to join us in this quite pivotal invasion. If we take care over yonder, and someone in Southern Europe can get a handle on Serbia before she’s all up in our face again, then we might like, seriously win it all.


2. War in West Asia
This is why ONE is such a charade. They were all like, “Turkey, you better know what you’re getting into with Iran.” And “You seriously think you can consistently control Iran, even if you manage to conquer it? They pour out like X amount of damage a day!” Well Turkey has been destroying Iran, without losing a single minibattle, and is yet to lose one of its conquered regions. It’s a pleasure to have them into EDEN. They fight like crazy Janissary ninjas. But now, it looks like FYROM desires to stop the unstoppable Turkish advance, so now a chance is materializing for both countries to prove their mettle.

Iranian soldiers in shock

3. The Illyrian Front
This has been a surprisingly successful theatre for EDEN. Croatian led forces have been able to fight great against Hungary, all while holding off Slovenia, Slovakia, coupled with Mexican and Venezuelan Revolutionaries. Ukraine has also had significant success, proving that they are very capable in wars. Also, Italy has been carving up the slopes of Austria. I am expecting for Croatia to end up conquering and holding on to the majority of Slovenia and Slovakia, to barely hold off Hungary, and provide for Poland another glorious kick in the balls. But still we are yet to see Poland fighting at full force. The Croatian invasion could be the two-sided attack we need to prevent seeing such gigantic force against us.


4. The Spanish Campaign
Yesterday, Argentina nearly lost all of Spain, but managed to hold on to the Canaries, and defeated a Spanish attack that would have put Spain in the position for vengeance. But we in the vengeance-taking business did not let that happen. Argentina is now going to try to conquer the western portion of Spain so long as Serbia has territory of the west coast of the Mediterranean.


5. The Baltic Campaign
I feel it is safe to declare victory for Romania and Russia against ABC, as they have successfully conquered all three Baltic countries. Sweden, after months of war, has finally conquered the entirety of Norway. But now Russia and Finland are going after Sweden, which if conquered, would be further damaging to the bad guys.


6. The British Isles Campaign(French Toast)
I see no way this invasion does not succeed, unless Serbia or Poland try to reconquer France. The U.K. is simply too frail these days to keep up with rising powers. Ireland is eager for vengeance, and the Canadian/French invasion brings experienced invaders to British shores.




So good luck out there! Be safe, have fun, don’t give any away vital personal information, and do not solicit evil.
And this was definitely one of the most cocky articles I’ll ever write. Except of course, if we win, cause then I will gloat like some cocky woman, and Terrel Owens’ kid would. So get your popcorn ready.

If only he were here to see this...


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