A Hot and Snazzy War Report!

Day 1,469, 10:56 • Published in USA USA • by Marcus Oritas

My school lets me have today off, so in my boredom, I'd like to maybe relieve your boredom with a snazzy war report, because I am outstandingly bored.
Enjoy!
(Listen to "How come my dog don't bark" by Dr. John for full experience of the snazz).

Just to set the scene.

First here are some statistics that are as exciting as fuck, and some that are too exciting to swear.

Percentage of Europe that has been under the control of ONE at some point in time: 100%
Not sure about Portugal, however, but they’ll be dead soon.
Oh, and Albania doesn’t count.

Percentage currently under the control of ONE: I don’t have time to count them up for you. Its most of Europe. Let’s go with like 85%.

Nations ONE has never fully conquere😛 3 (China, Argentina, and Chile).
Doesn’t that mean they’ve already kind of won? Somehow we still exist.

Nations that support Indonesia in East Asia: 5 (including Pakistan)

Nations that support China there: 5 (including Russia)
I really wish Indonesia would just let that war happen. It really sticks in my craw that they call Brazil cowardly for blocking the war in Spain after they blocked the war with China a short time earlier.

Original European regions that are independent of their own power (excludes France and Germany) in EDEN: 33
33 goddamn regions is not a lot in freaking Europe.

(By the way, these are rough estimates. My map is not working. That is the only one I'm not completely sure about).


Regions under ONE control in the Americas: 31 (20 Polish, 9 Serbian, one Indonesian).
(I thought about a Steve Irwin joke here, but whenever I say it everyone’s all like, “Ahhhhhh! Way too soon man. You should be ashamed of yourself.”)

He died like 10 years ago.

Percentage of Turks who have been massively offended by a member of ONE at some point: 1000%
Difference this seems to make: 0




That was pretty snazzy, but here’s the less snazzy and exciting part of the war report. You may vote and leave at this point.

Here are my favorites to win the current wars!




USA/Serbia:
Favorite USA- slight.
Serbia just has two many colonies to keep track of, to fight the USA with full force. This war looks pretty good. The USA may still not be powerful enough for half of Serbia though.

Bulgaria/Anyone who thinks they can successfully NE Bulgaria:
Bulgaria- Massive
Bulgaria loves fucking with your head Hungary. You too Poland.



Don't forget to hop on that snazz train y'all! (If Dr. John is finished serenading you like a clumsy elephant does to a swan, then I encourage you to switch to "Cantaloop", "Charleston", or even "Take the A train".


Greece/Macedonia:
Pretty goddamn even.
Well if Macedonia gets any help from their allies, they usually win, but if not, Greece wins. It evens out pretty well.

Albania/Montenegro:
Albania-slight
Just because of their potential and marvelous alliances.

Brazil/Indonesia:
Indonesia-very slight.
Now that Argentina’s got their rear covered, Brazil can concentrate on one enemy. But Indonesia has just been doing better is all.

Spain/Portugal:
Spain-heavy.
This is just Spain venting its frustration at its own inability to win an offensive battle against Brazil. But from what I’ve seen, Portugal is rather beastly still.

Romania’s glorious reclamation of Baltic Romania/ Latvia:
Romania- Massive

Cyclical, uninteresting wars like:
U.K./Irelan😛 U.K.- slight.
Sweden/Norway: Sweden-Medium
Finland/Estonia: Has been even since the dawn of time. But they like killing each other even more than the Hungarians and Romanians.

One idea I have to win this war is to simply PTO Serbia. They would never see it coming. It's like in Avatar when he catches the dragon bird thing. You have to admit it would be awesome.

Now that was Hot and Snazzy(and Jazzy)!