I met a troll!

Day 1,897, 07:26 Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom by Lord Lewis Cromwell


This is the story of how I met a troll.


It appears I'm becoming something of an explorer while I have some youth left in my long, sexy legs and can now say that I have encountered a real troll! Yesterday my brother and I went on a stupid and reckless trek up "some mountain" north of Lillehammer, completely without preparation or guidance, and the result was rather fantastic.

Having no knowledge of what wildlife lies up in the clouds of Norway, nor what kind of weather conditions we'd be facing (although our only reason for wanting to go was because it was warm enough to snow the day before) we headed off up the path less trodden and with me blazing the trail in the deep snow were soon in "I have no idea where I'm going" territory, which for me was exciting but my less ambitious brother cursed quite extensively about the lack of direction and how we kept passing little signs that had black hands printed and crossed through with a red line. My brother said it meant "Danger, do not go this way" as he can read the norwegian heretic words underneath, I stuck to my assumption that it was a racist sign and to be ignored.

After quite some time we came across an extremely old and decrepit village, and I estimated that these houses were built in the archaic and ancient methods of the early 1970's, a historic find! If only I hadn't neglected to bring my phone or some kind of communication device of any kind I might have had a means to take a picture of this early settlement which stood empty and desolate - a sure sign of man's early dominance of the vastest and harshest of conditions during the early days of humanity, abandoned as another powerful statement of how the high-lying forests can sap away at a man's soul to breaking point. I pondered heavily on the harshness of the environment's effect on the human psyche as we wandered onwards in resolute silence, eager to reach the farthest end of this antique and isolated village, when the surprises continued coming.

As we made stalwart progress through this dump, marveling at how the deeper into the wooded village we pursued our curiosity the older the dilapidated houses seemed to become; evidence of houses built in the ancient and harsh times of the 1960's, some lone houses built as far back as the 1950's (and in truth, some dating back to the 1500's) and even a solitary and ageless mountain of man-shaped rock which served as a church, belltower intact, testament to early man's religious ignorance built as far back as the dawn of man in the 1900's. Surely nothing could live here still amongst these ancient and outdated remains!

It was then, as I tumbled onwards through the snow between the frozen pinnacles of man's desolate past that I was forced to pause in my tracks, for ahead of me was a sight most unexpected! Before me, approaching slowly over a crest of this ghastly white blanket upon the land and causing a definite rustle in the trees as it made its way through, stood a creature unlike any I had seen before. I held a hand towards my brother as a signal to stop, my eyes fixed on this slow-moving mountain of a creature approaching slowly from the dense wood. We stood and watched as this snow-covered figure lurched indistinctly from the woods in our general direction, towards the old village behind us. It's skin was made from a shiny, red material, which hung loosely from its arms and waist. The snow had built up on it's rounded head-shoulder area and clung to it's lumpy, hunched back from which some odd trinkets protruded and hung. From where its hands should've been extended two long, thin, straight claws which it had adapted to reach into the snow ahead of itself as it walked, supporting itself cleverly in the more treacherous depths of snow it had appeared from amongst the trees.

We stood, stunned by this discovery in silence together as this beast sauntered, its foul breath spewing steam from it's facial cavity. My brother coughed loudly, which caused me to mentally curse not making him that second cup of lemsip before we left in the morning but I'll be damned if my twin brother isn't old enough to look after himself. I mean, seriously, it's just a cold, he should be able to sort himself out. It's absolutely not as bad as that cold I had that time in which I was most certain I would die. The cough caused the creature to stop abruptly and turn it's ugly head this way and that as it looked for the source of the disturbance. What happened next, dear reader, may cause some disbelief and I urge the light-hearted and god-fearing amongst us not to read further lest your soul be torn asunder and madness overwhelm you.

The creature cocked its head in our direction obviously aware of our unannounced presence. I reached to my pocket slowly, fully aware of the empty contents within, vainly hoping a small hunting rifle or crossbow with super cool striped crossbow bolts had been gifted to me by any gods which put such a bizarre creature on this planet. The next moment will haunt me until my dying day, for instead of the attack I was expecting and perhaps would rather have happened the beast deemed me less worthy, instead bellowing a warning, a roar of some sort, an echoing, unknown collection of syllables which seemed to bore their way directly into my brain. My brother appeared to have already lost his curiosity, as I could hear combined with this roar the slow crunching of snow behind me as he had obviously succumbed to madness and began his retreat to the ancient village we had already passed and knew to be somewhat safe. The noise from the creature was almost indescribable, but I shall try to describe it for you, dear reader, so that you may understand what madness will haunt me forevermore, as what screeched from that kagooled monstrosity was a barbaric and ancient noise I can only describe as "HAIIII... HAR DU OH KAI!!!!". Never again will my dreams be pleasant.

My mind raced, my body frozen in terror, before my only natural reaction thanks to dozens of years of human evolution was to raise my hand slowly, symbolically displaying my friendliness to the beast and waiting longer in fear of provoking it further. Luckily the beast lowered its head and began a series of low mutterings as it continued on its lonely path past me. I held my breath expecting a clever ruse on behalf of the monster, an attack at any second, more ancient bellowings or even for the very snow to swallow me whole but nothing came, the creature trudged past without further interaction on my part and I was left to gather my senses alone in that deep, snowed wood near that ancient village. After several moments I turned and resolved to find my brother, whose madness had overwhelmed him far sooner than mine had, and after a short walk back along the very tracks I had made, found him smoking a cigarettes, shivering in absolute terror as he waited for me beside one of the less decrepit ruins of the village.

Dear reader, if my madness ever leaves me, I hope it shall also leave my brother and his hauntings will subside in time, for when I approached he showed not a further sign of despair, nor fear nor doubt. Wordlessly we made our way back through the ancient dwellings, an unspoken agreement to simply return to the safety of his dwellings near the centre of Lillehammer where surely no beast could reach us. When we finally were able to speak in the comfort of warm blankets and hot chocolate several hours journeying later, I asked one simple question on the matter, my hands shaking, thoughts racing through my mind throwing questions about the beast, their number, the local knowledge, so many wonders but I asked one solitary question, the answer of which will forever empty my soul of satisfaction.

"What was that?" I asked my brother, the only other witness of this spectacle. He looked at me, lowering his Playstation 3 controller momentarily, I knew he knew what I had meant, he had seen the beast as plainly as I had, but his answer was a simple denial: "What was what?".

I shall never know peace again.

This has been a true story.