Chutley for Prez

Day 1,290, 21:50 • Published in USA USA • by Gnilraps


Special Reprise
Day 1,290 of the New World
DISCLAIMER: I hate disclaimers.
The Next President of the eUnited States should be:

Chutley.

I am serious.

I know he’s not running. Don’t bother me with that. Plus it’s mean.

It’s not his fault he isn’t running. It’s the Elites’. But don’t bother me with that either. It’s also mean.

No?


Give me one good reason.
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See?
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Oh, what. “Experience”?

Poppycock

What is this, Yale?

Like, you can’t be good at this game if you aren’t some misunderstood genius?

Dude, some of you people play in the nude, OK? So let’s not pretend this is the Cold War. It’s Monoply.

Chutley’s plenty experienced.

What. And like you’d know it if he isn’t? If you only knew who he is in real life…

So don’t give me “experience.”

And anyway, a good executive just surrounds himself with kickass people who make him look good. What do you think the Federalist Party is? I’m an idiot compared to those people

Experience. Pushah. I’ll give you an experience.

And then there’s the whole, “you can’t be a total asshole” crowd.
Well OK they’re right.

But a PoTUS can still be a bit of a tool.

I mean, seriously, like you’re gonna be chatting with the President every night on IRC?

“Don’t vote for a prick?” Don’t flatter yourself.

A prick for a President is actually secretly a great idea.

As long as your prick loves America, I mean, who cares if he’s a prick?

Don’t we want to be a prick to Poland? I hate those f*ckers. Let’s have a prick for prez.

Oh… oh but wait this is about Chutley.

OK, he can learn to be a prick.

And he’s no total asshole either, so he passes that test.

So never mind about the “you can’t be a prick” crowd because it doesn’t apply to Chutley.

What about you “you gotta be online all the time” weirdos?

You gonna vote for someone just because he doesn’t know how to properly use a cell phone?

I mean if you’re PoTUS is spending 16 hours a day on this game??? You’ve seriously elected a loser.

Plus Chutley’s on plenty.

So F*ck off about that.

16 hours…. Puhleeze. Get a secretary.

Oh and speaking of that, Chutley’s got a great secretary.

You’d never know it, though. Which is exactly the precise quality you want in a secretary. But Chutley’s basically got it covered, you know?

And it’s not like he can’t get more. This dude could get anyone to work for him. I do.

And if you don’t? You need to get over that.

Don’t let the fact that he doesn’t have boobs popping out of his avatar fool you into thinking he’s someone you wouldn’t want to be around. Plus pixelated boobs are totally overrated.

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Back to Chutley, name one person who wouldn’t work for him?

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See?

So we’re basically talking about a PoTUS who has your dream Cabinet and Staff, who is the moral equivalent of being always on, who has more experience than Gerald Ford (trust me on this), and is the perfect combination of “not total asshole” and “can learn to be a prick”.

You WOULDN’T endorse that?

The next President of the eUnited States of America should be Chutley. No one can deny this.

I am so right.

Oh but please don’t consult Chutley about this because he’s not that kind of smart. It’s not like he’s thought to run yet.

He is way smart in other ways.

But you have to leave this one up to me. Nobody go shouting this shit or he’s gonna see it.

Just let’s secretly get him on some stupid poll in the Am3rik4n Ch33shead P4rty or whatever and get him on the ballot. Then I’ll have Kara Beth sweet talk him into accepting the nomination and here he comes White House.
(I’d do ANYTHING Kara Beth says. And Chutley’s… well… he’s a man too.)

I am sure there are like tons more reasons you think I am wrong about this but I am ignoring you because you are just repeating what you’ve heard someone else shouting on eRep about who should or shouldn’t be PoTUS.

That’s the problem around here anyway.

Nobody thinks for himself. (OK not "nobody.")

Go ahead. Let a bunch of trolly dorks tell you how to vote.

I’m electing Chutley.
To see more Picks for PoTUS in the American Idol Competition of Writers, click here: American Idol: Round 1