WHPR [Day 1,205] Affairs, Interns and New Faces

Day 1,205, 15:47 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room

WHPR [Day 1,205]



Index:
1.) Affairs
2.) Interns
3.) INCI Gets Boring
4.) State Department Shake
5.) Important Lynx
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tap

tap.. tap.. tap...

Is this thing on?

Right. OK. Hi there, it's me, PQ, the White House gardener temporary press secretary, filling in for the usual luminaries who write this stuff. The Time Lord was supposed to do it but TTL is not quite present this week. Then Justin McHavock filled in yesterday, 'cause he's a trooper. However, being super-busy with chiefing the staff and all, Justin asked me to step up to this podium for the next week. I did not say anything at first, but I thought a good deal. You see, it is my settled policy to allow people to make as many misstatements about me or my writing as they like, even when they are clearly wrong. But eventually I agreed. And whatever he says, just so you know, the statement I finally made to Justin accepting this post was concise and brief and contained no words that rhyme with pluck.

Got it? OK, fine, let's get on with it...




Not At All Scandalous Affairs:

There is absolutely no truth to rumor going around that President Glove and Jerseygirl have a thing going on behind CRoy's back. People who say such things (*cough* Athanaric *cough😉 should stop spreading malicious gossip without knowing all the facts. The fact is that the thing is going on in full view of CRoy. And it is a thing of unimaginable simplicity and incoherency and irrelevancy and juvenility -- a thing that lasts nearly ten minutes, sometimes -- and then the exhibition is over. Afterwards, all the spectators look pleased and happy, and greatly freshened-up.

Oh, wait, damn.. guess that note says "Do not use that story". Sorry Justin. Just a sec.

OK. Here we go.





White House Works Interns Into a Frenzy:

I first met LexLuthor1 while he was sitting on a bench in Washington Square. It was an encounter that lasted only a few minutes but was very pleasant and sociable. I was there cleaning up rubbish as part of a work-release program, following a brief stint in the pokey due to a misunderstanding between my fist and a so-called literary critic. Although LexLuthor1's business in the Square appeared to be simply to absorb sunshine, I came to learn that he was busy -- as he often is -- plotting world domination.

Few better men (but likely a few more better women, just sayin') could be found to lead the White House Intership Program. With his experience and drive and his splendid piercing eyes, LexLuthor1 is perfectly fitted to carry out President Glove's desire to get more people involved in running the country. Under LexLuthor1's keen gaze, this fine group of folks are learning to be the Leaders of Tomorrow. They are presently engaged in re-energizing the Synergy Polls, a cool demographic tool that promises to provide data needed to rock the socks off of our recruitment and retention efforts.




INCI Revealed as Boring Right-Deviationists:

As reported yesterday, the honeymoon between the Executive and the anarcho-dogmatic hivemind known as INCI has gone south. The top four American parties, as well as the patriotic sixth parties, are coordinating Anti-Take Over efforts with an eye towards the next round of congressional elections.

In an amusing turn of events, a faction of INCI yesterday began to present themselves, somewhat confusingly, as a "communist" vanguard. The faction announced in a report to the media their intention to form "a monarchy or dictatorship" on behalf of the people. The Groucho-Marxist wing of the Socialist Freedom Party replied with the following brief statement: "Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it."




State Department Shaking It Up:

Jelly9473, your gloverly eUS Secretary of State, has announced new Regional Heads:

Northern Europe - Deershark
Southern Europe - Paul Proteus
Eastern Europe - Alexander Auctoritas
Western Europe - Blank Keating
Oceania - Hoverge
Asia - Rainy Sunday
Americas - Cerb

The State Department is looking for new ambassadors. If interested in becoming an ambassador, fill out this form: Ambassadors Applications. Don't just sit there like a bump on a log: see the world and represent your country!





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xio, PQ