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A hush descends over the West End theatre. The build-up to opening night has been a mix of anticipation, trepidation and, of course, furious masturbation. For tonight, a groundbreaking play will be staged, never before seen on these shores: an adaptation of a popular British short film, "You're A Wizard, Harry!" with a stunning twist - the main character was switched out at the last minute for a raw, untested new gem of an actor, who - rumour has it - was found in a compromising position with a sheep in the toilets at a Muse concert and immediately recruited as a lead actor with only two hours to spare till the curtains were raised.

"The way he ****ed that sheep... awe-inspiring," mused famous director Hail Astrid, on the decision to select GrEnDeLi despite his inexperience treading the boards. "And when he put it in reverse sheepgirl... damn..."

Those were the only press statements the director gave ahead of the film, and the ambiguity as well as the promise of sheep shagging has led crowds to flock to the theatre and reams and reams of print speculating on the content of play as well as its new title, which was reworked to prominently feature the new talent: "You're A Bitch, GrEnDeLi!"

Here is a complete transcript of the play.

HAGRI😨 You're a bitch GrEnDeLi.

GrEnDeLi: I'm a... WHAT?!

HA: GrEnDeLi, you're a bitch.

GR: I'm a what?!

HA: A bitch, GrEnDeLi.

GR: I'm a BITCH?!

HA: Yes GrEnDeLi, you're a bitch.

GR: but I'm just GrEnDeLi.

HA: Well, "Just GrEnDeLi", you're a bitch.

GR: but I'm just GrEnDeLi!

HA: No, "Just GrEnDeLi", you - are a bitch!

GR: Listen here Hagrid I'm just GrEnDeLi!

HA: NO! GrEnDeLi, you are a bitch!

GR: I'm not a bitch, Hagrid, I'm just GrEnDeLi!

HA: Listen GrEnDeLi, you are a bitch!

GR: No Hagrid, I'm just GrEnDeLi!

HA: GrEnDeLi, for god's sake, you are a bitch!

GR: A BITCH?! I'm just GrEnDeLi!

HA: Nooo, "Just GrEnDeLi"! You're a bitch.

GR: I'm not a bitch, Hagrid, I'm just GrEnDeLi.

HA: Noooooo. Just GrEnDeLi. You are a bitch.

GR: I'm not a bitch, Hagrid!

HA: GRENDELI, you are a bitch!

GR: Listen here Hagrid you FAT OAF! I'm not a ******* BITCH!

HA: For god's sake GrEnDeLi, what is with this language?! You're a ******* BITCH!

GR: I don't give a *** you FAT HAIRY BASTARD! I'm not a ******* BITCH!

HA: Listen GrEnDeLi, you're going to go to log on to eRepublik and report people and ****. And you're going to be ******* pleased about it!

GR: I don't WANT to do your ******* reports you BASKET CASE! stick it up your ******* DICK-HOLE!

HA: My ******* WHAT?!?!

GR: HAGRID, y'er pushing me over the ******* line!

HA: No I'm not. You - are a bitch! You're going to go to eRepublik, you're going to report people, you'll two-click, you'll get a ******* Congress medal, it'll spam your mail - DEAL WITH IT. YA TWAT.

GR: I'M GOING TO ******* PUT MY DICK IN THE CONGRESS

HA: I did that when I was younger, and that was a bad move. You, are a bitch.

GR: I'm a WHAT?!

HA: YOU'RE A BITCH GrEnDeLi, FOR **** SAKE, LISTEN TO MEH!

GR: Hagrid I've been through this I don't give a BLOODY **** WHAT YOU THINK.

HA: This is NOT negotiable! You come with me you SPECCY BOWL-HAIRED CUT **** SMALL DICK SKINNY CUNT EAT MORE WANKER

GR: I'LL ******* SET YER BEARD ON FIRE!

HA: 'MON THEN YA LITTLE SPECCY CUNT, SQUARE-GO LIKE

GR: I'LL ******* BURST YE'

HA: Right you, you little wank stain. If you don't get your act together, I'm gonna drag you to eRepublik. You'll hit the report button, you'll get a ticket that'll give people your ****** forfeit points and that'll be that and you'll enjoy it ya' sch-ch-ff-chhssh-chinky.

GR: I'll ******* NAW yer ARM off, Hagrid!

HA: Listen you, get near my arm and I'll slap you across the face like a little WIZARD

GR: I'll PUMP ye' SILLY.

HA: C'MON THEN YA CUNT

GR: SUCK MAH PIXIE DICK YA CHUBBY COON

HA: I'll RUPTURE YOUR ******* ANUS WITH MAH MASSIVE BEAR COCK

GR: I'll RIP YER GIANT DICK OFF AND BASH YE ACROSS THE JAW WITH IT

HA: LET'S GO RIGHT NOW BRING IT ON YA LITTLE WANK

Cue silence. Then, a little by little, like the pitter patter of raindrops on a wet Thursday afternoon, the applause started to build. Hesitant at first, before growing into a full-throated roar. Not a single seat was filled by an ass as the standing ovation continued for ten full minutes.

FIN