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Dear residents of Ireland,

In your recent failures last month to elect competent congressmen, (see this law) the United Kingdom has found it in your best interest to revoke your independence to avoid further damage to your own nation.

His royal highness, King Woldy I, will reign over sovereign duties forthwith over all regions, all overseas territories (or lack thereof) and anything else belonging to the state.

For the 95% of your citizens that mistakenly believe you have a voice in world affairs, we will assign you Pizza the Hut the second to keep up the spirits and morale of those who are completely out of touch with the reality of your situation, and you may freely believe that the made up masses are still very much behind you.

To better aid the transition back to the British Crown Dependency, we enforce the following rules with immediate effect:

1. Irish actors must refuse rolls which portray them as the bad guys. Although this will mean there will never be an Irish citizen in any movies ever again, it is better for your image with the rest of the world.

2. You will grow crops other than potatoes. Your over-dependence on them is frankly just weird, and you will be required to occasionally grow other things. British chefs will educate you in the ways of creating food that doesn't require potatoes to assist with this. Achieving this normality will put you more in line with the rest of the British people.

3. You will learn to speak slower, so that the rest of the world can keep up with what you're saying. This will also allow you to finally have civilised conversations. It is not very helpful that when in conversation, you have moved on to ask the fifth question by the time we have managed to answer the first.

4. You will lower the cost of Guinness in Dublin. It is somewhat misleading that the misconception that Guinness is cheaper in the city of which it originates causes such disappointment upon ordering a pint. It is rather illogical that it be priced so significantly higher than in the UK.

5. All citizens will be taught proper grammar and spelling, along with mandatory classes on how to read. Based on the comments we receive from citizens of Ireland in our press, it's rather difficult to discern them from Gaelic and English. We often assume they just say 'We love you eUK', although I'm sure this isn't what you intended for them to mean.

6. The spelling of Irish names is required to be changed with immediate effect. Too many times have English speaking nations been completely baffled as to how you get the pronunciations of some names. The spellings will be changed to reflect how the name is actually pronounced.

The new spelling will be like so:

Gráinne - Grawnyer (On more than one occasion have I pronounced this as 'Grain' to the horror of poor Gráinne on business in Ireland)
Sadhbh - Sive
Tadhg - Tyg

etc.

7. Passive Aggresiveness will be a capital offence in Ireland from here on out. This is becoming increasingly confusing in recent times, are we have far more important issues to worry about.

8. You will tell me exactly why my surname has at least 7 different spellings/versions which are significantly different to each other. While not such a benefit to the eUK, it is driving me crazy and will help me sleep better at night.

9. You will abandon the sport of hurling. It is rather stupid and seems like a barbarian's version of Hockey.

10. All potentially dangerous items (weapons, kitchen utensils, gardening tools etc) are hereby banned. You are clearly too immature when left to your own devices - see your long history of butt kickings when attempting to invade.

If you have any objections to these new rules, feel free to submit them to David Cameron; your punishment for objecting will be an extremely lengthy answer to everything you didn't raise a concern about (but nothing you did actually raise a concern about) and you will be forced to sit through these ramblings.

Yours sincerely,
The United Kingdom of England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.