I Have Taken Control Of the James S. Brady Press Room

Day 1,120, 12:27 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room


...In further news, Supreme Chancellor Frost has ordered the exec----





Good evening, my fellow Americans. It is with great pleasure that I, SamWystan, announce that a little-known group of fighters for the Resistance, led by myself, have taken control of the James S. Brady Press Room. We are known as "Wystan's Raiders". We have taken the step of conquering the Brady Room for the Resistance. I'll outline the various reasons and what I plan to do with it below, but suffice it to say, I also believe that it holds specific powers that fuel the American media. Like the Ark of the Covenant, whoever possesses it possesses unlimited power. Also, there's a high probability it will melt your face.


(Yes, that is an anchor breaking out of a skull. But the question is, how did I get that skull on the anchor in the first place?)

This is the official speaking apparatus of the United States government, led by Dictator-In-Chief Josh Frost, who unlawfully holds the government hostage and even now is actively undermining our freedoms. As long as we hold the Press Room, we hold the Media.

No longer will we suffer through the unfiltered lies of the Frost Administration as to what's happening. Now, we will suffer through my unfiltered lies as to what's happening. I'll keep you informed as to the goings on in the White House, and what the government is doing to control your minds. As always, this information will be unblemished by any bias, except my own.

Naturally, you're afraid. Don't be. Fear is the mind-killer. Go take a nice long soak in the bath. Start the water running. See the steam pouring up from the water. Maybe put in some of those scented oils we know you like. C'mon, you don't have to lie to yourself anymore. Yeah, the lilac ones. Those are good. Maybe some bubble bath? Why not? You know you want it. Good. Really get it bubbly. Turn off the tap, the tub's gonna overflow. Now get in. Go ahead, take off your clothes, we won't peek. Nice, have you been working out? Well, it shows. Water feels good, doesn't it? Yeah, that warmth is massaging your muscles.

Okay boys, put the bag over their head, now! Dunk 'em. Can you feel the water rushing into your lungs? That's simulated drowning. No, wait, that's what actual drowning feels like. You feel like a fish. And you're going to die naked. It's so undignified. Your family will find you floating in a tub of lukewarm water, with dissolved bubbles and lilac-scented oil. How pathetic. You know what, just thinking of your pathetic death makes me want to let you live. So I will.

But we know where you live. And every time you take a bath, you'll remember nearly drowning. So have fun, and keep a look out for the WH Briefing Room. You never know when it'll be right behind you.