I AM LEAVING, SAID THE DRAMA QUEEN.....

Day 2,553, 23:05 Published in Canada United Kingdom by Coltan Bonobo



The collapse of the game continues, with player after player announcing their departure. Each new exit seems to get that little bit more thespian, with weepy eyes and handkerchiefs. Now it's not for me to suggest that these highly charged, emotional situations have even the faintest whiff of hamming, but there does appears to be an evolving standard formulae to each grandiose exits.

Let me try to boil this down, by way of support to those who are also considering their own eSuicide. Think of it as "off-boarding" advice,

1. Subject writes of their deep love for the community, the game when they joined and their friends in the game.

2. Subject writes about how the game has got worse and how the sense of community has diminished.

3. (Optional) Subject takes a sideswipe at the admins and complains about the money they have spent on the game.

4. In a (rare) show of game community, a long list of players will eSob in the comments section, beg them to stay, wish them well in the future, and tell them they were fantastic friends.

5. Subject will reply to almost every post, reveling in the final bittersweet moment before the eSoil starts to fall upon their heads.



Then silence, as the wonderful light they once shone upon the community fades to black, with sweeping strings and crashing cymbals. Perhaps a sniffle or two, and the faint sound of an eAngels harp.




eGovernments should stop spending energy on "New Player Education" and reallocate resources to eFuneral Services. Perhaps there is a potential market in helping players to write their own Eulogy? Voters Club will be replaced with "Mourners Club" and ensuring that the comments are full of the right outpouring of emotion......

"Please select the number of eMourners you would like, and the emotion level - 1 being modest sadness and 5 being wailingandsobbingandscratchingatthedirt sadness."




Another great business opportunity lies in the longer term run-up to the actual eDeath. Think of it as assisted eSuicide, where services are provided to build your in-game relationships and increase your in-game standing; just enough in advance to create a massive surge of unbridled sobbing at your departure announcement. Oh, the drama. What sweet sorrow.

Undoubtedly, eDeath is too painful for some and they rise like a Phoenix after a few days...or are saved from the stone slab by their adoring fans just before the poison touches their frail eLips. Others are magically reincarnated in sons or daughters.



Many, somewhat sadly, do indeed perish never to be seen again.

The point of this? What's the point in anything luvvies. This is a game you know. Chin chin.....

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.