How To Declare War And Look Good Doing It

Day 721, 21:07 • Published in Australia Australia • by Dartreal

We at the Word Down Under have been walking throughout the halls of the libraries of eAustralia. Our aim: to find out how an eCountry can declare war on innocent nations and appear to be the good guys, when clearly they are the ones in the wrong.

Is it blindness that makes an eCountry think they are right and others are wrong? No, it involves using words very sneakily. There is evidence of leaders bending and twisting things around so it makes them look like they are doing the right thing. We’ve seen bits and pieces of it happen across the eWorld but no one has really taken the time to put it all together.

No one… until now!

With the aid of my researchers, I have put together a little guide that any eLeader can use to help them prepare a long, bloody war that will guarantee them to look like the love child of Jesus Christ and Buddha when the dust has settled. Now you won’t have to fear looking like eHitler or eStalin when you start up an unprovoked war!

Step 1: Build up an army and claim it is for “national defense”.
This is a great way of tricking everyone into thinking that you’re just building up some arms to protect yourself from the “outside threat”. No one is going to question why you have legions of tanks, fighter jets and dozens of nuclear warheads because they know you’re only doing this to protect your people. Train up your troops in training wars with eCountries that you’ll end up invading soon even though you swore you weren’t going to harm them!

Step 2: “Rude ePresidents” make for good excuses for invasion.
This is a great way to start off a war and probably the best way to make you look like the good guy. Anyone who damages your pride should be your first target. You can even use the historical, all-time greatest line “but he started it!”. Constantly mention how much of a “rude person” the offender is and how they’re probably ruining the nation they’re running. Clearly an eLeader who offends another eLeader is bad for an eCountry – right? I mean we can’t have a guy, or gal, like that really run a country – right?

Another advantage to using this excuse is that you can “apologise” for declaring war on a nation. Tell them you didn’t want to “generalise” and you don’t think every citizen of a country thought the same, but you HAD to get back at that nasty ePresident who said your butt looked fat in those pants. People may sympathise with you, but they’ll still think you’re a crybaby for not “sucking it up”. Either way, you’re not going to give back the land you’re conquered…

Step 3: Freedom through hostile takeover!
Regardless of what your reasoning for war is, when you’ve taken over an eCountry the first thing you must do tell the dishearten citizens how great life will be for them. Brag about how much you’ve done for your country and inform the thousands of your new followers that they’re better off under your flag and that the old government was “too irresponsible”. That normally works well. You should also use words like “united” and “family” and refer to your new minions as your “brothers and sisters”. They’ll feel closer and happier to you.

Step 4: Let them eat cake… but not all of it.
Ok, so you’ve had some resistances you’ve had to put down. Resistances are bad. If a resistance is successful this is going to:

A) Make the resistance look strong and
😎 Make you look weak.

This is a classic story that you don’t want to happen, you know the one where the suppressed people rise up and beat their evil overlords? It’s happened in hundreds of books and movies. You do not want to become another number or victim to this trend, so this is where Step 4 comes in very handy.

Negotiate with the resistance and give them back their regions – but not the most important ones of course. You don’t want to give them back regions you took that have the best resources in the eWorld! That’s crazy! You do that, you’re crazy! People won’t notice you didn’t give back the best regions, they’ll notice you gave back regions. See how that works? You give back a conquered nation some land and people will still think you’re good! Plus, your people won’t think you’re weak! They’ll know how smart you are for giving back worthless regions – for the right price that is…

Step 5: Ok you can have one final piece of cake, only when you…
So you’ve got yourself an ungrateful mob of people who want their final region back in their precious eCountry. Most likely this region is a really good region that you don’t want to give up (see Step 4). This could be a tough challenge for you to keep your image as Buddha Christ as pure as can be. You can be a “rude ePresident” yourself and flat out say no, but you don’t want to anger anyone. Fear not! There is a simple solution though!

As with the returning of previous regions to the conquered, you must make an offer for the return of their land only this time make them an offer they’ll refuse. Ask for outrageous stuff, like a few Q5 hospitals and 100 gold per company in that area that belongs to your own countrymen. It might seem like a lot but these people need to learn the value of a region! Everyone will think you’re awesome doing this, mainly your own people since they’ll be profiting like a bunch of Wall Street Fatcats before the Global Financial Crisis.

There will be no chance in Hell that anyone could afford to buy back a region at such a ridiculous price, but the bottom line is that you made them an offer so you’re “doing the right thing”. Sure, this might annoy and anger the people who want their land back, but that’s their fault from the start! If they didn’t want their country invaded, I mean “freed”, then they wouldn’t have elected a rude person to lead them to begin with!

Oh no! The resistance has taken back the land they were negotiating with you for so long! Whatever shall you do!?

Don’t stress out because our guide hasn’t finished yet! Here are some more steps to help you remain cool, calm and still make you look good in the public eye.

Step 6: But it was ours first (before we took it from you…)!
Be really offended that the resistance would do something so EVIL in taking back what belonged to them! Yes, you might have taken it from them first in a very poor excuse for war, but you’ve held that region longer than them! That region is more part of your eCountry than theirs!

Vent all of your anger! Tell them they didn’t take back their region, but they’ve taken over your land! You should also mention you were peacefully talking about giving them the land back but never mention the outrageous and unfair price they were forced to pay – people will think you’re bad and you don’t want that. Also, tell everyone you were great friends with them even though you invaded them to begin with. While doing this you may comfortably drift into the next step…

Step 7: “Rude ePresident” is now Osama Hussein bin Hitler the Third.
Nothing invokes goodness from the leader of a warmongering eNation than speaking the forbidden words of the parallel realm of RL. It makes people outraged to the point you will get an automatic response from them (from your eCountry or another) instantly! Some will probably “troll you” for mentioning the real world, but your people will agree that the actions of a freedom fighting man are the same actions of a RL terrorist. This is a perfect way to invoke pride from your nation and to restore their love for you – and you look good doing it!

Step 8: They didn’t invite me to their party…
It’s time to move on from the eCountry you held in your tyrannical grasp. It’s history. Forget about. If you attack these guys for getting back their region, you’re going to look bad. You don’t want that. It’s now time to restart from Step 2 again only this time use a different excuse. The “Rude ePresident” thing is SO 18 months ago! Now you need a new reason for your war – and make it something people will sympathise with!

You’re going to need a new region with lots of resources since the resistance just took everything you had. Hey, your good neighbours have got nice stuff. Wait a minute… you just realised you weren’t invited to a party they are having! They have all the other neighbours in the area but you! That makes you upset! How inconsiderate of them to exclude you! This sounds like the actions of an ePresident who is unfit to lead their people. Maybe you should free them…

And there you have it eLadies and eGentlemen, the Word Down Under’s guide to starting wars while making yourself appear to be the good guys. I hope you’ve found this informative, especially to all war hungry ePresidents around the eWorld.