Exiled President Election

Day 2,783, 14:29 Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom by Colin ChipPhilfer Brown

CUT TO THE CHASE

In order to cut the article down from fifty pages to a meagre twenty-five we can all assume with great certainty that it is a two horse race in the CP Election.

In the left corner (not politically) we have the master of obfuscation and manipulation, the civil servant from Yes Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey Appleby (what do you mean it isn’t really him and he can’t even manipulate Play-Doh).


In the right corner wearing the Union Jack boxer shorts and oversized novelty boxing gloves we have King William the Great (for crying out loud you’re telling me he’s not King and he ain’t that great, is he even called William).


Well that has put a downer on the proceedings, nevertheless onwards with the report. The campaigns have started, stalls have be set out and the propaganda machines have whirled in to life firing out newspapers like there is some urgent deforestation quota that needs to be met. So let us look at some of the aspects of their electioneering.

CABINET

Apples has recently released information on who will be in his cabinet should he be successful in the election. Initially in a previous infomercial he stated it would be Ministers without Portfolio working as a team where needed. Luckily, he has now changed his mind and provided the individuals with defined roles. Otherwise this could have led to a day with seven Chancellors of the Exchequer with no one in the MOD causing issues with the nation’s security (oh wait, Argentina is using eUK as a summer home so we currently have no problems with security). However the deputies will be roaming (much like my mobile phone signal).

Appleby's cabinet could well be the ugliest in history.

Willy on the other hand has stated he is formulating a cabinet and will release the information should he win. On further reading of his manifesto I would surmise he has a pretty good idea on the structure of his cabinet because he also states “It will consist of a lot of new faces but experienced and very capable”. Bluntly, statements like that aren't made unless the basic framework is known. Maybe he just doesn’t want to share that information as he feels it will affect the number of votes he receives.

William's cabinet.

POLICIES

Apples has stated while under occupation he will ensure we are all entertained with competitions and events to keep the populace amused. As the country’s coffers are feeling the pinch there is a possibility of War Bonds to help tide us over. Basically something to make us forget the quagmire we are in but we will have to borrow to cover the costs of curtailing our boredom.

Willy just like Apples has the same problem his policies are a bit vague as they appear to be agreeable statements but with no details on the journey to the promised land. In fact the only concrete policy is his obsession to depose Mr Woldy, the “false king” (well who has King in their username?).

Sadly neither candidate tackles the elephant in the room (not me this time for once), yes you got it, Argentinian occupation. There needs to be some sort of strategy, game plan, road map or devious scheme to restore our country's borders (¿O nos gusta hablar español?).

Are there any concrete policies out there?

ADIÓS

That was the whistle-stop tour of the two president-elects. I hope you enjoyed the cynical and hopefully a little bit satirical editorial. As usual please vote, comment, subscribe and endorse if you feel the need. Until next time, don’t have nightmares, politicians are human and can be killed unlike the monster under your bed.

Laters.