Desperate Measures for Desperate Times

Day 2,554, 20:36 • Published in Canada Canada • by Azarius Theron

Disembarking at Pier 21 alongside the Halifax harbour, I jostle my way down a corridor overcrowded with women and children, the aged and infirm, the weak and the cowardly all fleeing the British invasion. I weave my way through long, frantic lines of people shoving their way towards the departing ships, until I arrive at the one window open for arrivals...not a single person stands in line, so I step forward.

Not bothering to look up from his newspaper whose the headline reads "And Then There were Two! Brits Advance on East," the immigration clerk mutters solemnly, "50-500 characters stating reason for arrival. All fees non-refundable. Application valid for 5 days. Next!" ...nobody else steps forward.

A rumble shakes the floor, stirring up cries from the panicked crowd. Another roar deafens my ears. I scribble in some hasty words and toss the form at the clerk, then turn to run for the exit. Behind me, Pier 21 collapses under the onslaught of British bombing. Likely, my form has not been processed, so I make a mental note to self, "Next time ask for a carbon copy."

On the ferry ride to St. John's, I pity myself for my mistaken birthplace and the possibility that I've arrived too late. As Halifax burns with a dully ruddy glow on the shrinking horizon, Nova Scotia falls to UK forces in the night.

Arriving in Newfoundland the next morning, I find my way to the empty immigration kiosk and repeat the process. The bombs have not yet begun to fall so I take take time to compose a persuasive message. They say a cheap sense of humour is the easiest way to a Newfie's heart, so here goes nothing.

Reason for departing former residence:
You can't find a half-decent piece of bacon in all of Israel, even though the place is crawling with pigs. Bring me home, O Canada, land of the smoked pork.


see!....everywhere


List local contacts and references:
A rabbi, a diplomat, and a soldier walk into a bar mitzvah.
The rest is circumcistantial evidence.


Do you have anything to declare?

Only my wit...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Oinyo.

Oinyo who?

Oinyogonnaletmein?






plz