Another Month, Another Dead Spaniard

Day 1,266, 18:24 • Published in USA USA • by Cromstar


It's true America. The United States Armed Forces (USAF) are now one month old.

It's hard to believe we've been kicking ass for so long, but its true. Spain and Poland know what its like to have their asses kicked. That's the kind of lovin' we need to share with more people. Serbs need lovin', right?


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In our first month, our total enrollment has surpassed more than 200 members and continues to grow daily! If you haven't already join the USAF today!

In tonight's article, I'd like to tell everyone about our awesome Army platoons. Currently, the Army has 5 platoons...each totally more awesome than the others.

1st Platoon - the Gravediggers

The 1st Platoon, led by the ineffable Veni Zelos, is a center of wisdom and learning in the Army. Oh, sorry. I confused them with Harvard. 1st Platoon spends their free time hanging out in graveyards and fixing people up with something they call 'dirt naps.' I hear its all the rage in Jersey.



2nd Platoon - the Black Knights

The Black Knights and their lord deershark never back down from a challenge. In fact, rumor has it their deershark still stands guard over a river bridge he claimed as his own, killing all who try to cross. The rest of the Black Knights are supposedly busy guarding the Mexican border to stem the influx of refugees. Keep up the good work boys and girls!



3rd Platoon - the Slowpokes

No, they aren't really called the Slowpokes, but they are sloooooooooow at picking a platoon name. So they are temporarily the Slowpokes. They are a thoughtful, deliberate group. The slowest and most thoughtful is their leader, chesehead. They never rush, with one exception. When the Platoon commander issues the order, they'll rush from the trenches to storm the enemy barricades! The last 3rd Platoon died in grorious battle with the Indonesians in Operation Pop-the-Cherry. We hope the new 3rd platoon will fare better. Probably not though.



4th Platoon - The Pink Fluffy Platypuses

I did not make this name up. These manly men and manly women picked their epic name in the manliest way possible: cage-match to the death. The losers will forever be remembered (their corpses are hanging in the chow hall in accordance with the wish of crucifixpandaninja) During their down time, the Platypuses do other manly things...like challenging each other to tiddlywinks.



5th Platoon - the Iron Fedoras

There are no wimpy berets in this rat pack. Following the epicness of AmyHat, the Fedoras terrorize all the hat-fearing people of the world. With AmyHat's promotion to Grand-Sombrero, Jasper Ferguson has taken her place. Go get the baldies and scare their pants off, brave souls!



There you have them, ladies and gentlemen. The 5 platoons of the USAF are celebrating their one-month anniversary tonight. Join us on the battlefield as we march to an epic victory.

How epic, you ask?


Yeah, that's about right

Cromstar
Major
Bureau of Public Affairs