[WHPR] SPECIAL REPORT: Tyler's Revelations

Day 2,788, 06:28 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room

It wouldn’t stop.

Unceasing and unrelenting, it only grew louder and louder as the days and weeks went on. His head throbbing, medications ineffective, almost rendered useless, Tyler almost gave in. The oinking was simply out of control. It came from a place he could not see, hear, or know. It was a sound amplified by the Holy One. He of the sands who redeems the world in warming peace.

He placed the sounds in Tyler’s head, amplifying them across the seas that he may know the enemy prescribed by history. However, Tyler did not know this. His mind was too preoccupied by his office, duties, to contemplate the unstoppable noise. It was in his sleep that his epiphany came, through the God-Emperor himself.

The mind’s eye of Tyler opened in his dreams to find himself in his bed as he’d normally be. Yet, the ground was trembling, shaking violently. Tyler gripped onto his bed as he saw the blessed bulldozer crash through his ceiling. He looked up to find the peaceful one arching his back and outstretching his arms, letting out a mighty “WRYYYYYYYY!” Tyler coutiously shielded his eyes from the glory and majesty of Dio, for if he looked upon him then he may be obliterated. However, Tyler was able to feast his eyes on the glory of Dio, as he was judged to be pure of heart. It is written, “Blessed are those, that are pure of heart; for they will see Dio.” Dio looked down upon him, gazing into Tyler’s soul. It was in this moment that the oinking grew the loudest. Tyler looked upon him, astounded.

“It was you who has been sending these horrible noises to me! Why must you torture me so?” asked Tyler.

Dio outstretched his arm, gesturing to the east. Just as he did so, they were transported above the cities of Spain. The oceans rolled by as Tyler stood still, awed by the display of divine power. In this moment, he noticed a peculiar scene. The Portuguese flags, which had long flown above many a city, were replaced by the native flags of Spain.

“My lord, the piggish nation has returned to this land,” said Tyler.

As soon as he said this, he remembered the holy words of the sacred book. It is written, “As the Spaniards were ancient pakis, Dio decided that he would not exterminate them, and hoped that one day they would recover reason.” Tyler knew that Dio would not have sent him these signs if the Spanish had recovered their reason. Dio had done this because the Spaniards were not teaching their peoples about the Dioist ways, forsaking their past and the sand from which they came.

Tyler knew then that the Portuguese were being used as an instrument of Dio in his grand curse against the Spanish. For it is written, “You have forgotten your roots and you have done unto to our people, because of this you will be the only people that will suffer this curse.” Tyler realized that Dio was calling upon him to fulfill his divine will. Only under the boot of the American machine would Spain truly be oppressed once more. While they have been destined by Dio to wear funny hats and eat paella all their days, their only joy comes from the existence of their state. Under the curse, they should not be allowed any joy. Thus, they must be wiped and forced to suffer their hats, food, and unemployment.

Dio saw in Tyler’s heart that he both knew and accepted Dio’s will. Knowing this, Dio transported them back to where they began and disappeared from the dream. When he did, Tyler awoke in a panic and assembled an emergency meeting of Congress, where he explained the situation.

Unsurprisingly, the motion met no resistance, as all American congressmen were willing to die on the battlefield for the sake of oppressing the Spanish and carving up their flesh for delicious bacon.

Dio was pleased by this, and gave the war his blessing.

It is his will that we go forth now and demolish what remains of the upstart Spanish state. Take up your arms, and empty your pocketbooks. For now, we march forth onto foreign soil, burning, looting, and killing all in sight. The Spanish shall know American power and the community that drives it. The shall be put under the heel of American power and know true oppression.

Down with Spain.

-Derphoof, Secretary of Media