[VicePresident] Biden My Time

Day 2,714, 15:58 Published in USA USA by SColbert


Hello Nation,

It’s been awhile since I have had the time to address you all. My job as Vice President has kept me occupied with my many new responsibilities. For instance I recently served as the pleasure concubine to the North Korean Dictator. While our love was as passionate as a hot day in Pyongyang, I have returned home to the Naval Observatory, and my office in the White House. I am more comfortable here as no one is trying to torture me re-educate me about the flaws in capitalism and the glory of communism.

When choosing a Vice President you are often told to choose a safe choice. Someone who is bland and acceptable to the voters, while also being capable of serving as President if the time comes. Many Vice Presidents in the past have been kept out of the White House, as they serve as a reminder to presidents as a representation of their own mortality. Your Vice President is often seen as either a relic of your supporters’ establishment, or as a power hungry person waiting for the slightest sign of illness in the president. Not me though. While I do often stare at the desk in the Oval Office for hours at a time while listening to Lana Del Rey’s “Money, Power Glory,” my only desire in this world is to serve my president in any way I can.

Would I ever want to be President? How can I think of such a question when I am having such a great time as Vice President? While some may think that being the President’s representation at the funeral of the Under-Secretary of Interior’s second uncle, or the guest of honor at the grand opening of the new bridge in Boring, Maryland, would be boring; nothing excites me more than getting to interact with everyday Americans. Sure I could be off dealing with foreign crises, or preventing the collapse of the global economy, but nothing really compares to getting to hear about the problems facing cucumber farmers in Alabama.

Do I ever even think about being President, one day? Oh the thought has crossed my mind before. How could it not? But with my busy schedule, planning a run for the presidency is just not something I have time for. I am writing today not as a 18 time Congressman, holder of multiple Secretary positions, 2 time Party President of USWP, 2 time Speaker of the House, member of the Select Committee on Intelligence, or even as the current Vice President. No I am just a relatable guy on a couch, enjoying his down time from dealing with issues in Cuba.

I am just a carefree guy, who is enjoying his time in the White House, however long that is (maybe a few more months). I am a normal guy who likes to spend his time with his friends, and have mature relationships. Here look at this text message conversation I had with a friend of mine:

I am just so iffy on the whole question of running. Who knows what I will do?