The Economist ~ Live from Brussels

Day 777, 12:38 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Spite313
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Good Evening ladies and gentlemen, I am Iain Keers and tonight I am reporting from Brussels, formerly capital of Belgium and now part of the United Kingdom, where Polish hordes are even now rallying to begin their conquest of our nation.

I have with me now a brave soldier, fresh from the front who wishes to remain nameless. Can you please outline what the battle were like?

-“Yes, of course. We had been engaged in skirmishes with Polish regular units all day. We recognised a lot of faces from battles in Heilongjiang and other battlefields- these were the Polish army we know and love. Of course I joke- but the mood in the trenches was high. We knew Poland had fought already in Germany and though the wall was low we were mainly facing population.”

I see. And how would you have predicted the battle would end?

“Well we knew command were up to something. We saw glimpses of heavy camouflage netting and deep bunkers being hauled into place. We thought (and probably the Polish did too) that some tanks were being prepared for a final moment assault.”

Ah, so what happened in the end? It is evident the region is lost!

”It is not something many soldiers will be willing to talk about, but I will give you my account. As the battle drew to a close we saw earth banks erupt as our concealed tanks opened fire. The regular Polish divisions began to retreat and we thought the region was secured. But then in the distance we heard the rumble of approaching Polish tanks. And amongst them...”

Yes?

”Amongst them ran thousands of tiny people, only six inches tall! I thought we were drunk on something, but no it is true! Thousands of tiny Polish people. They hammered at us and though they were only small and many fought barehanded there were so many...we were overcome. Many comrades fell beneath hundreds of soldiers doing 8 or 9 damage each. They spread across the battlefield, cutting off entire regiments. And through them drove tanks unharmed, supporting them. The wall collapsed and we were forced to make a withdrawal.”

Thank you for your time

As you can see the United Kingdom faces a grave threat. Thousands of angry babies are approaching our borders, seeking the famous Cadbury factories. In fact Poland has entered negotiations with the United Kingdom. After we refused, they changed their request to avoid embarrassment. Originally their article in our media asked for us to give them all our candy and pushchairs or face destruction. Now they want us to buy their hospitals. But maybe Poland will need them in case their babies catch a cold?


As Poland approaches the UK mainland, we again entreat all of our citizens: Move to London. We will also be issuing periodic instructions for how to stay safe and well under these conditions. If your region falls, and you have not yet moved to London, do so. Also, subscribe to this newspaper for regular updates on the war effort!