SCANDALOUS: Multis; Has Noel Edmonds taken over the eUK?

Day 2,642, 15:41 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Citizen 4945322


Thats right: Scandalous has returned for a one-off special report into life behind the innoculous faces and backgrounds of the eUK public. And we ask the question that everybody has been asking: who is who behind the profile?



~~A Quick Background~~

Allegations of multi abuse have plagued the eUK for a number of years now, ranging from absurb conspiracy theories to absurb confessions. Wayne Kerr's revelation last week that he single handedly controlled every DC member sparked much confusion, and debate still rages as to whether or not it was a hoax. But, on closer inspection of the man called Wayne Kerr, we came to a startling question: Who exactly is Wayne Kerr? And is he really controlling the faces of our community?



~~An Anonymous Tip~~

Last week a box arrived at our newspaper offices. Originally, we were just gonna throw it out, until somebodypointed out that there was a massive numebr on the front and a letter pinned to it. The letter simply rea😛 "Pull the tape and all will be revealed". So obviously we pulled the tape and the box opened, revealing the number 500, and a video tape. We took the video tape, put it in our office VCR and lo and behold, a video of Noel Edmonds furiously masturbating was revealed. But what does it mean?



~~Analysis~~

Well, apart from being disturbing and consigning one of our reporters to an asylum where he is unlikely to ever be released, the video tape revealed one glaring fact to us. That Noel Edmonds is a Wanker. Or, as some might say, a Waynekerr. That is right people, Noel Edmonds is Wayne Kerr, and Wayne Kerr is nearly the entire eUK public. How has this gone unnoticed for so long? The number 500, written on the inside of the box, points to how many of the current population are under his control. This is tinfoil hats time people. Noel Edmonds, the demon hellspawn of Jimmy Saville, 70's television and a post-apocalyptic future, is controlling us. How, we can't imagine, but don't be fooled. It is easy to spot the people under his demented control. Because they deny it.



Famous eUKers under Noel Edmonds control

Wayne Kerr - For Reasons previously stated.
Captain Chazbeard - Both have good relations with Phil Collins (I imagine).
Serfartsalot - Both have a penchant for a competition.
Aleksander V Popovic - Noel has been known to have links with groups in Nigeria.
Iain Keers - All-demanding, war-mongering, all-powerful demi-god. Sound familiar?
Every TUP person - Because Noel is attempting to destroy unity by becoming unity.
Goku Jones / Malkaiser - Because Noel is anti-eUK establishment.
King Woldy - Because Noel is the eUK establishment.

The list goes on and on and on. We must purge our society of the Edmonds. Fight his grasping hands. FIGHT HIM GOD DAMMIT.









Brought to you by the Scandalous Team, now ready to return to their slumber, knowing that the truth has been outed.