SCANDALOUS: CHAZBEARD, A FUTURE?

Day 2,659, 12:31 Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom by Citizen 4945322
"A Quick Disclaimer"

Scandalous prides itself on its independent journalism and investigative reporting, free from Government harrasment, press regulations, morales, general scrutiny, or even facts. We promise that no outside influence from our supreme and glorious leader Dictator Cpt Lord Admiral Chazbeard has affected our reporting in anyway, and that despite eight of our journalists having disappeared or died under mysterious we do not feel threatened.



CHAZBEARD, DICTATOR AND LORD SUPREME

It has now been a couple of days since Captain Chazbeard seized control of the country in the Battle of London, toppling the Adastros Government and cementing his position as leader. We look at some of the questions surrounding his dictatorship.



MURDER IN THE AIR TONIGHT?

Chazbeard rose to the title of dictator under extremely misty circumstances. For months supporters of democracy, opponents to the Dental Corps, advocates of the free market and critics of Phil Collins have all been silently disappearing, the population of our land dropping slowly and steadily. Every town has its Dental Corps members, or dentists to the average punter, and it is thought they have been dealing with their victims under the guise of extremely long wisdom tooth extraction. This allows them to gas them before carrying them off to an unknown location, although it is believed to be Diakun's basement.

Because of this, many that have survived the "purges" can be identified by their bad teeth, particularly Bruce Wayne, who we hear has the worst teeth in the country. On a related note:

IS DAPPER THE HERO WE NEED RIGHT NOW?

No.



WHAT NEXT FOR THE EUK?

Probably nothing I suppose. Generals amongst the Chazbeard administration have been seen to be antsy, and the public execution of former President Adastros on the 4th will surely make things worst. Candidates to replace him in the hapless presidency position have been rather reluctant, although one of Chazbeard's right hand men, SerFartsalot, has put himself forward for the position in what can be seen as two different agendas: either Chazbeard shoring up his support amongst the Government, or a power grab and possible coup from SerF and his supporters amongst the Dentists. Although others have put themselves forwards for election, without the backing of the dentists it is unlikely to lead to anything.



AND CONGRESS?

From what we can gather at the newspaper from leaks in internal communications, the embattled congress is currently sitting about hapless chatting and twiddling thumbs. And they still get paid. Thats the real crime here. Opponents to this style of Government have had their wages withdrawn, and instead rationed the most simplest of foods, the potato, instead.



WHAT DAY IS BIN DAY NOW?

Bin collection is due to resume this week, although on a reduced service due to the fact that most of our trash collectors are now either dead, imprisoned, or collecting the rotting corpses of former Vendetta members.

A COUP?

Aside from the SerF coup that we discussed earlier, there are numerous other areas of which a possible coup could feasibly emerge. It is known that many within the dentitists are critical of Chaz and his style of leadership, and actively fought against his rebellion during the midst of the fighting. There are also numerous bastions of political democracy still within existence around these isles, some of whom will fight to reinstate the previous style of democracy. Finally, there are those within parties, such as the UKRP's Rob the Bruce, who would wish to control the country whilst letting the Government do some of the work. Any of these could be a possible basis for an assassination of Chazbeard.



WHERE IS OUR ROYAL FAMILY?

King Woldy has not been seen since the dictatorship arose and rumours persist that he has been exiled to the Sandwich Isles, or killed. It is, however, thought he is merely consigned to his palace.

WHO DOES SCANDALOUS RECOMMEND WE BACK?

We don't really recommend you back anyone, although the Crackerjack party, SerF or Rob the Bruce would make excellent candidates. Then there is some big cat called Curtis, but he seems like he might be a bit of a Cheater.



DO YOU FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE?

A little.

WHY SUCH A SHORT REPLY?

Sorry, we heard a knock on the door and the noise of drills. Guess it must be the buiiiiiilll................urgh.

SCANDALOUS