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THE TRUE STORY OF Pa Q, Part Three of Nine


Part 1
Part 2


III. Further Accounts of Pa Q's Victories


Although Pa Q never stopped winning, it wasn't until Mister Jo favored him with a slap in the face that he became famous.

After paying his fine, our hero thought to himself "What is the e-world coming to, with sons beating their fathers!" The thought of the prestige of Mister Jo, now his son, gradually raised Pa Q's spirits.

He sang "We Will Rock You / We Are the Champions" all the way to the Roaring Donkey and by the time he arrived was feeling that Mister Jo was a cut above most people.





Indeed the villagers did start paying a bit more respect to Pa Q after Mister Jo had slapped him. Pa Q himself attributed this to being Mister Jo's father, but actually such was not the case. In Weishaupt, beatings had to be associated with a famous or renowned person for people to start gossiping about it. And since the beater was famous, the beaten enjoyed a measure of reflected fame.

It was naturally taken for granted that whatever happened -- and nobody really knew -- was Pa Q's fault, the reason being that Mister Jo could do no wrong. He was rich and respected and it was, after all, Pa Q who'd been taken away by the militia and had had to pay a fine. Nevertheless, some people were still afraid that Pa Q might actually be related to Mister Jo, since he kept asserting it was so.

After this incident, Pa Q prospered for a several cycles.






One fine spring day he was walking along in a state of happy intoxication and saw Whiskers McGillicuddy of the notorious NoS Party Dive Bar stripped to waist in the sunlight at the foot of a wall, catching lice. At the sight of this, Pa Q began to itch.

Pa Q had the greatest contempt for this man, and truth be told, "Whiskers" really was a scabby mess. Pa Q, a democrat at heart, found scabs nothing to take exception to. But unkept hairiness about the cheeks was really too outlandish and could excite nothing but scorn.

Pa Q sat down next to Whiskers McGillicuddy, removed his own jacket, and inspected it for lice. He found only two or three. Whiskers on the other hand was finding one after another and cracking them between his teeth with a popping sound.

Pa Q felt embarrassed to be out-done in this way by such a despicable character. But even when he found a big juicy one and stuffed it fiercely between his lips and bit hard, the resultant pop was again inferior to the noise made by Whiskers.

He threw his jacket down and yelled, "Hairy worm!"

"Who are you calling names?" Whiskers McGillicuddy responded contemptuously.

Pa Q was feeling particularly pugnacious that day.

"If the shoe fits..." he retorted, standing up and putting his hands on his hips.

Whiskers stood up, gave Pa Q a terrific shove and dragged him towards the wall to bang his head against it in the time-honored manner.

"A gentleman uses his tongue but not his hands," Pa Q protested.

Apparently Whiskers McGillicuddy was not a gentleman, for he knocked Pa Q's head against the wall five times, then shoved him away, after which he walked off in triumph.





As far as he could recall, this was the first humiliation of Pa Q's e-life. He had always scoffed at Whiskers McGillicuddy and had never been scoffed at by him. And now, contrary to all expectations, Whiskers had beaten him.

Pa Q stood there irresolutely, considering his inevitable loss of respect amongst the villagers.

From the distance, he could see Granma Quinn's grandson, the popular Young Socialist mascot Aniken Quinn, a person whom Pa Q greatly despised.

After studying in a foreign-style school in one of the big cities, it seemed he had travelled all around the e-world and it was said he had even visited some windbag writer on the other side of the planet and learned a bunch of new English words. The young Quinn strutted around the village like a champion and he dressed like a steam-punkish hipster. Instead of keeping to the village traditions of wearing simple garments made from local anarchist cotton and dyed with honest communist-worker colors, he wore a huge purple monocle, a long black coat and frilly shirts.

Pa Q took to calling him "That Disgusting Fake Forig".

What he hated most was Aniken Quinn's haircut, which consisted of wild shocks of hair pulled every which way, as if completed disheveled, but actually arranged that way just-so, with hair gel.

He was in a rage and the words just slipped out: "F*** You, you Disgusting Fake Forig! What a Hipster A**hole!"







Unfortunately for Pa Q, on that day this particular A-Hole was carrying a shiny brown cane. With great strides he bore down on Pa Q who, guessing at once that another beating was in the offing, hastily flexed his muscles and hunched his shoulders in anticipation.

Sure enough, Thwack!, something struck him in the head.

"I meant him!" explained Pa Q, pointing to a nearby newbie.

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

This was the second great humiliation of Pa Q's e-life. Fortunately the thwacking did not last long and the precious "ability to forget" handed down by his ancestors stood him in good stead once he started to think that nobody of any consequence had actually witnessed the beating.

He walked slowly away and by the time he approached the tavern door he was quite cheerful again.





Just then a wee comrade from the Peoples Convent of Quiet Self-Improvement came walking towards him. The sight of one of these neo-Buddhist leftie meditation practitioners, all wrapped up in their "modest" get-ups, always made Pa Q swear. The fact that this one was a little person just made him even more upset.

His anger flared up again.

"I couldn't imagine what made my luck so bad today -- obviously it's meeting one of these nasty little red nuns that did it!" he fumed to himself. Going towards her he spat noisily onto the ground, "Uggggggh!... Pah!"

The diminutive sister paid not the least attention but walked on with lowered head, in the manner of her order. Pa Q stepped up to her and shot out a grubby hand to pat her newly shaved scalp and guffawed, "Baldhead! Your hair is missing!"

"Stop pawing me!" the sister demanded as she quickened her pace.

The drunks outside the tavern laughed at this.

Buoyed by that encouragement, Pa Q ran after her and slapped the sister's bum as she hurried away.

This encounter made him forget Whiskers McGillicuddy and the Disgusting Fake Forig, as if all his bad luck had been avenged. He felt relaxed and light, as if walking on air.

"Pa Q, may you e-die with no honor and be reborn as Bruno's butler!" shouted the woman.

Pa Q roared with delighted laughter.

The drunks outside the tavern joined in, with only a shade less gusto in their laughter.










XOXOXOXOX,
PQ
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Previous episodes:

I. Four difficulties
II. A Brief Account of Pa Q's Victories


Six more scintillating parts to go. Enjoy them all!