Join the new world

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Sports Dept
Day 1,306 of the New World

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"The beginning of it starts at the end"
— Tom Waits

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This is the story of the saddest Sports Town in eHistory.

It is the story of Platonia, and it’s a tragedy.

Every town wants a winner. Platonia was never any different.

They had endured their time in the “Beta” Minor Leagues for long enough. The town Politiciadmins had devised an excellent plan for a sports franchise that would make Platonia proud. "Geena" was introduced to walk Platonians through the basics.


Geena, like Lana, liked Gold.

The Platonia erepPublikans were to be the most well-supported Baseball Team in the history of eBaseball. The Politiciadmins had done their market research and knew that a sports franchise based on “Hitting”, “Fielding”, “Pitching”, “Managing”, and “CrotchAdjusting” would be a perfect fit for their demographic.


Platonians could spend their Gold on "Training".

The Platonia erepPublikans were a smash hit in their first season. They did not win any championship, but they showed excellent promise. Fans spent real money on T-Shirts, Screensavers, and Season Tickets.

But the strangest thing happened. After merely a year, the erepPublicans franchise changed. They kept the same name, but instead of “Hitting”, “Fielding”, “Managing”, and “CrotchAdjusting”, the town Politiciadmins decided that their franchise would be primarily interested in “Forward Passing”, “Handing Off”, “Field Goals”, “Touchdowns”, and “Getting Concussions”.


Lana's change of uniform.

The town of Platonia was bewildered by this strange change of direction for their beloved franchise. Some loyal fans of “Hitting” and “Pitching” stopped paying attention to the erepPublikans and followed other baseball teams. But many loyal Platonians stuck with this “football” based sport. Soon they were clicking “Touchdown” and “Forward Pass”, as if it cost real money. Actually it did.

But the leaders of Platonia were not satisfied. After a few months of spending Gold on “Touch Downs”, “Handing Off”, scoring “Field Goals”, and “Getting” a few “Concussions”, the Politiciadmins changed the game yet again.

This time, Platonians were asked to buy “Sets” and “Aces”. “Double Faults” (If you dared publish the word “Fuck”) were handed out, and “Rackets” were for sale even to spectators.


A Player named "Romper" purchased many "tennis balls".

Despite a change from "Geena" to "Anna", Tennis Rising was not successful.


"Anna" just could not talk us out of enough Gold.

This time, after asking Platonians to peruse the ingame markets for products such as “game”, “set”, and “match”, only days later the Politiciadmins once again changed the game.

“Goals”, “Pentalty Kicks”, “Yellow Cards”, and (for 65USD) “Bicycle Kicks” were the new name of the game.


It was back to Geena, but this time with a soccer jersey.

Few people got all that involved. With each new change came a new exodus. The Politiciadmins of Platonia had destroyed the popularity of the erepPublikans by CHANGING THE DAMN GAME TOO DAMN MANY TIMES WITHOUT ASKING THE DAMN PLAYERS WHAT THEY DAMN WELL PLAY FOR.

“I became a big fan of the ‘forward pass’”, said one former erepPublikan fan. “But then one day they were talking about a ‘Hole in One’; and I had to migrate my ‘pigskin’ company into a ‘Tee’ Factory. I lost interest.”

There are still some living in Platonia. But because of the pathetic decisions of the Politiciadmins of Platonia, there will never be a dedicated community who enjoys the security of knowing that their favorite franchise is going to be there from one day to the next.

No, sports fans are too savvy. They know that there are other towns, other franchises, other traditions, other teams to get behind.

Platonia’s sports future will always be in flux. And only the “mastercard” people will ever invest themselves any more than casually in whatever team the Politiciadmins decide to promote from one day to the next.

Report filed by Gnilraps, "All Star***" 2nd Baseman, "Starting Quarterback**", "Halfback***", and most recently, "(skill level removed by Politiciadmins)".

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