Join the new world

An official broadcast and memorandum from the eBritish Civil Service

Ladies, Lords and Gentlemen; I am honoured and privileged to announce that, this month alone, I shall be standing as one of your many potential SDP Party Presidential Candidates.

Education
That way, public sector teachers will be happy and we can educate our own children privately

Due to the overwhelming and intolerable rate of knife-crime in schools, all students will be given a Swiss army knife to defend themselves, and additionally given compulsory lessons on stabbing to reiterate this new art of defence. Moreover, schools in deprived areas will have newly instituted commercial branches where they can cash in the various mobile phones they pick up. Students will be banned from abstinence as it’s proven it doesn’t work. Instead, they will have to learn to cut down on their STDs.


Sir Humphrey teaching a bunch of typical British youths

National service should be reintroduced to give our kids the chance to redeem themselves, ultimately unleashed a trained killer force onto the streets to keep those dirty Johnny foreigners at bay. They will be given a comprehensive education, to make up for their comprehensive education, and will take lessons on how to nuke small countries over political issues. Like Belgium. Eventually, they will all be forced to join the army. The armies never been known to discharge anybody illiterate, after all!

Environment
I am perfectly happy with democratic protests. If a tree wishes not to be cut down, it need only say so

We recognise that excessive bombing can lead to disastrous environmental calamities, such as volcanoes erupting in Iceland. Thus, our environmental policy overlaps with part of our foreign affairs policy, which is to solve the long-standing Israeli-Palestine problem. To cut down on lots of public sector-bombs; we will send MI5 to modify everybody who lives in the Middle East’s SatNav system and burn every last roadmap. Afterwards, all will be well.


Sir Humphrey giving evidence to the Information select committee on the successful development of modified SatNavs

In light of the fact that the Green party just got a seat in the real British Parliament, all trees will receive the right to vote. Hedge fund banking will be replaced by real hedges, and the cigarettes Benson & Hedges will be replaced by a bloke called Benson sitting on an actual hedge. This rapid demoralisation of smoking will cause the British atmosphere to return to 1 part air and 9 parts smoking, and the average age of Brits will inevitable rise. In other news, the Amazon rainforest will be nuked and all environmentalists will be shot for disrupting Top Gear.

Europe
Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. Divide and conquer, you see

Following the average Briton’s opinion on the issue of the European Union, I have come to a clear and concise conclusion as to our official policy towards them. It is simple. We believe in the European Ideals and the ideal of a European Partnership. We should work with our brothers on the continent, not against them. This is why we reasonably propose an all-out invasion of Europe, with the annexation of all EU states into one United European Commonwealth.


Sir Humphrey pointing British forces in the general direction of Europe

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth I, will replace Herman Van Romey as Queen of Europe. The Stig shall become the new spiritual leader. The Civil Service will take over from the European Commissions and show them how the job’s really done. Europe shall once again be a purely British institution. Europe’s new Chief of Defence staff shall be the 11 year old killer-supergirl from Kick-ass.

Domestic Affairs
Here, we can sum up all the disinteresting things not covered by any other actual domestic policy

We support the correctly insane political correctness that grips Britain. The Isle of Man shall be rebranded the Isle of Men, Women and Lady Gaga (Andy Millward), the same logic shall apply to the Isle of Wight, which shall be renamed the Isle of Wight, Black, Mixed Race and Asian. Whitehall shall be spared for historical benefit, but both these other examples shall be freed of the oppression forced on them by the English Language.


Sir Humphrey touring an average British office. Sir Humphrey doesn’t like it

After we’ve defeated Afghanistan and the French, by nuking them, we shall deport all Afghanis to Wales. Terrorists shall be diverted to Northern Ireland to combat the IRA. Whilst they’re migrating, their bears will be banned, as some people consider them scary. Following the recent poll that signalled Britain was home to the largest number of Jedi’s per-head, we shall storm Westminster Cathedral and make it a Jedi Temple. There, foreign nations will see Britain as a religiously tolerant nation – apart from the countries outlined above that would end up getting nuked.

So there we have it honourable members of the SDP. Vote Sir Humphrey Appleby on the 15th!