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I pull up to the Dave & Buster's in my black Oldsmobile for my evening rendezvous -- an interview with the President of the eUSA, Melissa Rose. It may not seem like the ideal atmosphere for an interview with a head of state, but I figure I can catch her off-guard with the casual atmosphere and elicit some interesting responses from her. Plus, who doesn't love Skee-Ball?

I head inside, nodding to the game attendant as I make my way to the dimly-lit corner booth. There sits the woman, the legend; she sizes me up with an inscrutable gaze. I clear my throat and slide into the booth across from her, setting my portfolio and pen down. "Are you ready?" I ask, glancing down at my tape recorder. Melissa nods, almost imperceptibly. I set my tape recorder on the table between us and press "record".

Adolphus Broadnax: Thank you for joining me for an interview this evening, Melissa Rose. So, tell me, what does someone such as yourself so involved in politics do to unwind after a hard day at the office?

Melissa Rose: I large glass of wine. Errr, I drink a large glass of wine. (She motions to the glass on the table in front of her.)

AB: I think you may be drinking a large glass of wine right now! (I wink.) That's it? I expected more hookers and blackjack.

MR: That's those male presidents like Josh Frost. That cat loves his hookers and blow.

AB: I met Josh Frost once. He seems so short in person. So now, on to more important issues. This has been a hot topic for a long time. Melissa, everyone in the eUSA can agree that it is fricking impossible to get the last bit of peanut butter out of the jar. What do you plan to do to fix this incredible oversight in our manufacturing process? I'm tired of making sandwiches and having to throw away jars that still have peanut butter in them!

MR: I have had an amazing idea from my own experience [with] this horrid issue. A cap on the bottom AND the top. Mind blown. (She gestures.)

AB: Well, now that you are in a position to do so, do you plan to issue an Executive Order to force manufacturers to implement your new packing and manufacturing process? Third quarter, 2016? (A staff member stops by our table to check up on us. I point to Melissa's glass and myself. He nods and leaves.)

MR: Absolutely. It should be done ASAP. I would say within this quarter.

AB: That's ambitious, but I digress. Let's talk about hobbies. Other than wine, what are some of your favorite activities to either unwind or to get pumped up for something to come?

MR: I love music and baking. Sometimes I bake to music.

AB: I'm sorry? Sometimes you get baked to music? Do you prefer Pink Floyd or Aerosmith?

MR: Nonono. I bake. Like muffins.

(I start singing "You are my wonderwaaaaaaall..." and people at other tables look over at me, disapprovingly. The staff member returns, bringing me a martini. Perhaps to shut me up.)

MR: Please don't sing. (She narrows her eyes at me.)

AB: Well. You are NOT the first person to tell me that. Ever made a chess pie? Ever heard of chess?

MR: I've never heard of a chess pie.

AB: Oh, dear. If I get some endorsements I'll get you a cookbook. Chess pies are wonderful. What kind of music do you get baked to? Er, bake to.

MR: I love PTX.

AB: What the hell is PTX? (I sip my drink.)

MR: Pentatonix. They are amazing...you have to listen to it.

AB: Ok, if you say so. I'll check them out later. After I'm finished baking. Myself. I hear something about you like to shower every day. Is this true?

MR: I love showers. I shower whenever I have a moment.

AB: That's a lot of showers. Are you sure you're American? A recent Gallup poll cited Americans as averaging 4.7 showers per week. I try to keep my showers down to balance it out.

MR: I am a red-blooded American woman! (Melissa glares at me and sips her wine with pursed lips.)

AB: Radenko asserts that you are actually British. What do you have to say about that? (I reach into my martini and pop the olive into my mouth.)

MR: He's a silly man.

AB: I hear he's really Croatian. Have you heard that?

MR: I have no clue where he's from and haven't heard anything about it.

AB: You have now. Let's get on to your political plans. Do you have a contingency plan if the eUSA were to be invaded by aliens from space? If so, discuss.

MR: I've hired Will Smith to fly a giant warhead to their mothership if they show up here.

AB: I'm guessing you didn't tell him there's no return ticket on that flight, did you? I mean, he's cool and probably brave, but yeah. I'd totally "nope" the hell out.

MR: Of course I didn't.

AB: What about pests? Invasive species? Have you set up a national emergency alert system yet to notify the public?

MR: The Ghostbusters have modified their weapons for pest control and plan to walk down the streets with music playing to notify everyone of the issue.

AB: That's not very helpful to the deaf and blind, though, Melissa. That's a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act, I'm sure. Have you considered dropping leaflets in braille?

MR: That could be done. I hadn't considered that. Thank you.

AB: Anytime. I'm full of useless ideas like that.

MR: I see that.

AB: It must have been all that "Jesus Juice" my dad's friend gave me when I was young. Really helped out the ol' brain cells. Speaking of family traditions, what weird traditions or superstitions, if any, do you have?

MR: Every morning when I get out of bed and get to the Oval Office, I run around the office three times before I sit down (for luck).

AB: Does that work?

MR: [It] seems to. The office hasn't fallen on my head yet.

AB: At least it seems to keep you in shape, if nothing else. The worrying starts when you can't make the three laps!

MR: Gotta keep this figure somehow.

AB: I know that feeling. I eat plenty to maintain my figure. If you could be any type of animal, what would it be, and why would it be a dolphin?

MR: A mouse, because as we all know [as] per the Hitchhiker's Guide [to the Galaxy] they are smarter than dolphins.

AB: Yeah, but you know the military uses dolphins as spies and agents, right? That's gotta count for something. Speaking of spies, who is your favorite fictional spy?

MR: James Bond.

AB: Oh, man. You totally should have said Archer. What were you thinking? You are gonna eat so many spiderwebs for that.

MR: James Bond is sexy.

AB: Who was your favorite Bond in film? For me, it was Connery or Moore.

MR: Connery.

AB: Good call.

MR: (Melissa raises an eyebrow.) How long is this interview going to be? I'm a busy CP [Country President], you know!

AB: Busy CP? Last I heard you were drinking wine and listening to some a capella group.

MR: I have wars to plan...drinking to do. Allies to offend. (Melissa scowls at me over the rim of her glass.)

AB: Have you ever seen Archer?

MR: No. (Her face is still stern.)

AB: Oh. You totally sound like Mallory. I think you two would get along great! Ok, I know you have a lot to do, so I'll wrap this up as quickly as I can. First, the people want to know one thing. There has been an outcry in the eUSA and people fighting amongst themselves. We need you to settle it once and for all. Does the toilet paper come out OVER the roll or UNDER the roll? WE NEED ANSWERS!

MR: It is a proven fact that all toilet paper was designed to come out over the roll.

AB: Thank God! You are truly a great and inspirational leader. Thank you for your time. I believe it's about time for more martinis. Are you buying?

MR: The CP never buys.

I shake Melissa's hand delicately and she crushes my fingers in a vise-like grip. With a presence such as hers, it is easy to remember who is in charge. I leave two dollars on the table, then I press "stop" on my tape recorder and pick it up to tuck it into my jacket pocket. I grab my pen and portfolio and walk to the counter. After paying for the drinks, I walk back to my car. I climb behind the wheel of my black Cutlass Supreme and pull out of Dave & Buster's, ready for the long drive home from Capitol Heights.

I get back onto I-95 south. An hour later, I realize that I forgot to play Skee-Ball while I was at Dave & Buster's.

F***.