Came Back From The Dead Just To Vote Fed

Day 3,168, 19:38 Published in USA USA by Jakov Mikhailovich
“The Needs of the Horny Outweigh the Needs of the Proud”
-Bill Cosby, probably

It’s time for another exciting election, eMericans. Those of us who are legal know that your vote in Realmerica didn’t matter. For the kiddos, well, your precocious political campaigning on social media fell on blind eyes, awash in a sea of Pokémon Go photobombs and inspirational quotations by your middle-aged, spinster aunt who thinks that if men don’t love her at her worst, they don’t deserve her at her best. Just buy another sweater for your cat, Aunt Georgia, and get off my wall. Anyway, despite our best efforts in the real world, we somehow got face-planted into the impossible, Idiocratic competition between an offensively ignorant New Yorker with a bad combover and Donald Mother-Fornicating Trump.


Put a hat on, guys, your hair offends me.

Well, there’s good news for America. Not Realmerica--that’s about to go the way of Blockbuster Video, Prussia, and Firefly--but eMerica. There’s still a party of the people, raised from humble origins to national prominence, but always mindful of its roots. Roots that include player involvement, fun, irrationally hating Serbians, and overcoming an abundance of sass with indulgent portions of charm and charisma.


Couldn’t you just get lost in our collective, steely gaze?

Game activity is down and the base may be shrinking, but just know, one and all, The Feds still love you. You make us all proud and horny to serve you. We believe that not only is it morning in eMerica, but we’re still here making you a protein-rich breakfast to get you ready for round 2; the safe word is “King Ham.” (We're gonna ravage you like Pirate Fabio on the cover of Aunt Georgia's toilet toppers.) So vote the Feds into Congress. You won’t live to regret it.


Were we unwed to Freedom, we’d take you all in a manly fashion. Yes, because you’re so pretty.

VOTE FOR THE FEDERALIST PARTY ON JULY 25th!