WHPR [Day 1,206] Cheese Crisis Gets Messy

Day 1,206, 15:20 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room


Index:
1.) Natural Enemies
2.) Spring Thaw?
3.) Around the World in Eighty Seconds
4.) Cheese Crisis
5.) Important Resources



Yesterday I was new, I was ignorant, and I stupidly looked upon myself as a tough and unflappable journalist. I was unaware of my mis-statement until I was confronted with the rebuttal, right there in the comments section. Jerseygirl herself affirmed, “I have never had sexual relations with that President.” The loss of honor tastes bitter on my tongue. I could better afford to lose an uncle. Of those I have surplus, many of them of no real value to me, but that reproach was beyond price, beyond uncledom. Oh the shame of it.

But the show must go on.

Thank you for attending today’s press conferences. Here’s what you need to know...




Essential Adversaries:

“Moar War!”. The cry ricochets across our fair land. From less than reputable e-pubs, to the hoary halls of Congress, from forum to forum, in comments and in shouts, the people cry out for a Natural Enemy. One who they can fight for 3 days, one whose partisans they can defeat 15 times, and thus win untold honors as they embellish their tales of bravery.

Well check it out, my pretty hamsters, and sharpen your blades. War is coming.




Negotiations with iNCi Continuing:

Despite differences of opinion and some public trolling scrums that featured a healthy dose of butthurt, President Glove continues a cordial intercourse with responsible iNCi leaders. Talks are aimed at finding a mutually beneficial agreement on iNCi participation in American political life.

Look, here’s the deal. iNCi is fundamentally a trolling community based in Turkey. That means they have a mass of members who put a high premium on dancing the troll-lol-lolz, yeah? But serious members of iNCi know the eUSA will likely be facing a massive war after the green flu epidemic peters out. Like anyone else, they want to win honors on the battlefield for the country they are living in.

So there is a rational basis for ongoing dialogue and collaboration. And while embracing sensible, artful counter-measures aimed at protecting national unity, the Administration is not going to escalate domestic hostilities unnecessarily.




Around the World in Eighty Seconds:

Your hard- drinking working Ambassadors can report that...

* Servia made Bosnia and Herzegovina a natural enemy, which caused a brouhaha.
* Likewise, Estonia’s new Mutual Protection Pact with Indonesia is uncared for. In fact, some Estonian fighters have moved to the US to show their opposition.
* The Philippines continues to work on its economic recovery and hopes to one day recover its Indonesia-occupied region.
* The United Arab Emirates has been colonized by Russians.




Cheese Crisis:

As a result of the world-wide green flu epidemic, global cheese consumption has plummeted amidst rumors that the outbreak was caused by cheese. The US economy and many others are suffering due to the cheese boycott.

To help address this situation, Secretary of the Treasury Evry has deployed CheeseHead as the new Chair of the Economic Council.




- Department of Defense Orders
- The Pony Express

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xio, PQ