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Computer Stupidities
Calls From Hell

They're bound to terrorize all tech support personnel sooner or later -- the call from hell. These are calls from people without a clue in their heads. They call tech support lines and refuse to get off until the tech support staff members on the other end have lost all remnants of their sanity. The callers invariably exhibit both incompetence and belligerence, either of which is fully capable of driving even the strongest to the height of frustration or the brink of frenzied hysteria. The content of these calls is a conglomeration of computer stupidities of every variety, glued together with so thick a haze of idiocy, it will cause instant and complete gray hair to anyone remotely associated. Be forewarned.

Tech Support: "Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D."
Customer: "Wait a minute, don't run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing."
Tech Support: "Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?"
Customer: "Where is that start button? Oh, here is is. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Um, did you click it?"
Customer: "Dammit, no, do that now?"
Tech Support: "Yes, then click on the word Run."
Customer: "Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?"
Tech Support: "Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen."
Customer: "I already clicked Start. Click it again?"
Tech Support: "No, it should be there in the lower left corner."
Customer: "Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?"
Tech Support: "Sure, why not? We'll see if that works. Did you click it?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D."
Customer: "Slow down, dammit!! I'm not a programmer!!! I told you I'm only a car dealer!!"
Tech Support: "Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?"
Customer: "Z."
Tech Support: "No, we need 'C' like 'Charlie.'"
Customer: "C-H-A-R--"
Tech Support: "Not the whole word 'Charlie,' sir, just the 'C,' please."
Customer: "If you don't want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?"
Tech Support: "Um, what's in the box now?"
Customer: "I'm trying to find the eraser here."
Tech Support: "Just hit the backspace key."
Customer: "That just moves it further to the right without typing anything."
Tech Support: "Which backspace key did you press?"
Customer: "The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side."
Eventually, we "found" the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C.

Tech Support: "Now that we just have a 'C' there, type an 'M,' like 'Mary,' but just the 'M,' ok?"
Customer: "M-O-K."
Tech Support: "Remember that backspace key?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Press it twice."
Customer: "All right, but it took off the 'O' and 'K' you wanted."
Tech Support: "Never mind that, I'll live. Now type a 'D,' just the letter D."
Customer: "D. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Now press the enter key."
Customer: "E-N-T-E-R."
Tech Support: "Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?"
Customer: "Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in in an hour. You want to talk to her?"
Tech Support: "Yes, please."
Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?"
Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"
Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."
Tech Support: "Anything else?"
Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."
Tech Support: "Disks?"
Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?"
I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.

Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."
Customer: "What's a drive?"
Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."
Customer: "Which machine?"
Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"
Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."
Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."
Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."
Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."
Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"
Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."
Customer: "Ok. Done."
Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."
Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"
Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"
Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."
Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"
Customer: "Oh. Ok."
Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?"
Customer: "The mouse?"
One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that "the Internet had changed the color to black." Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off.

Me: "For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?"
Her: "But I don't have the file!"
Me: "What file!?"
Her: "You know, the file."
Me: "Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?"
Her: "Don't you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!"
Me: "Just press the button even if the file still hasn't 'downloaded' yet."
Her: "Ok. Well, nothing's happ-- oh, it's got some gibberish written over it now. It's blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!"
Me: "Yes, that's what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I'm happy the problem's fixed. Bye!"
Her: "But--"
Click.

Customer: "Right! I demand satisfaction!"
Tech Support: "I see. Well, I'm here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?"
Customer: "It's not my problem! The 'commuter' I bought six weeks ago just won't work! I can't do a damned thing with it!"
Tech Support: "I see. Do you mean it won't even switch on, or is it something else?"
Customer: "Don't try to sandbag me! I know my rights!"
Tech Support: "Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?"
Customer: "I've called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good."
Tech Support: "Ok, so are you saying that you're having problems getting on-line?"
Customer: "Look, it doesn't work! I want satisfaction!"
Tech Support: "Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem."
Customer: "Fine, but I doubt you're going to fix it."
Tech Support: "Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?"
Customer: "How would I know if it's plugged in?"
Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is)
Customer: "Yes, that's just how mine looks, and it doesn't work, so just accept that it's broken!"
Tech Support: "Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?"
Customer: "I have to wire the stupid thing in?"
I used to work for the computer helpdesk for a police force in northwest England, and it was there that I became infected with "Typistophobia," as a result of a typist from a particular police station who suffered from a lack of any of the social graces. She would regularly ring us with real or imagined problems, all of which were, of course, the computer's fault.

My first experience with this lady was as follows:

Customer: "Me machine's broke."
Me: "Ok, what wrong with it?"
Customer: "I've just tole yer -- IT'S BROKE!"
Me: "Ok, so what's it doing wrong?"
Customer: "Nothing."
...

Me: "Is there anything on the screen?"
Customer: "Yeh, garbage."
Me: "What sort of garbage?"
Customer: "I've tole yer -- garbage."
...

Me: "Can you read out the garbage to me?"
Customer: "P-L-E-A-S-E P-R-E-S-S E-N-T-E ...... !" (click)
Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their ports. Yet:

Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the system, and I don't know where to plug in the mouse. There are two holes that are the same size as the mouse."
Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the mouse plug?"
Customer: "Orange."
Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs into."
Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?"
Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the keyboard?"
Customer: "Purple."
Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs in. The tips are color coded."
Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?"
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
Customer: "I can't get it to do."
Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
Customer: "Okey dokey."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
Customer: "I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
Customer: "Wood."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
Customer: "A bunch of names."
Tech Support: "Like what?"
Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
Tech Support: "Mike."
April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
Tech Support: "No problem."
April: "How old are you?"
Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What do you see?"
April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
April: "Ninety-something I guess."
Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
April: "What is this?"
Tech Support: "What did it do?"
April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"
My company develops an online education product for which we provide email and phone support. A large amount of our users are first-year college students, many of which have little or no computer experience. Our product requires that you use IE or Netscape and is not compatible with AOL's browser. This often causes some problems with our users as many of them subscribe to AOL. This phone call had me laughing for a good half hour and most of the other support staff in tears.

Tech Support: "Good evening, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Uhh, yeah, I'm tryin' t' use this here program t' take a course online, and it ain't workin'."
Tech Support: "All right, what kind of computer do you have? I want to make sure it's ok to run our software."
Customer: "Uhh, well, it's my dad's computer, and I don't know what it is. It jus' says COMPAQ on the front."
Tech Support: "Ok, and you can connect to the Internet, right?"
Customer: "Yup, that's not the problem though. I can't take muh course."
Tech Support: "All right, what browser and version do you use?"
Customer: "Whut's a browser?"
Tech Support: "It's the program you use to see things on the Internet. Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
Customer: "Uh, I dunno." (agitated) "I don't know much 'bout this computer stuff. The school just said I hafta do sum' muh courses on it."
Tech Support: "Ok, well, when you connect to the Internet and see information, is there a fancy 'N' in a box on the upper right hand corner of the screen, or is it a blue 'e' with a stripe across it?"
Customer: "Uh, I don't see none of that."
Tech Support: "Ok sir, do you know if you use America Online to get on the Internet?"
Customer: "Uh, no, ah use AOL."
One thing that really got to me before I was removed from phone support for sanity reasons, was customers who wouldn't read instructions, no matter how conspicuous you made them. You could print directions on red paper and paste it on the software itself with 300 point type saying, "IMPORTANT: READ THIS!" and people would still not read it.

We packaged our software with a piece of paper with "SOFTWARE INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS" printed on the top, and one day a customer called me to ask how to install the software.

Me: "Sir, do you have the original packaging?"
Customer: "Yeah, it's here."
Me: "Can you find a piece of paper that says, 'Software Installation Instructions'?"
Customer: "Yup, here it is."
Me: "So, what did you do so far?"
Customer: "Well I booted from the disk and followed the prompts until it rebooted."
Me: "Ok, so I'm looking at these instructions too, and it looks like you've gotten through steps 1-5, but there are still four more steps on the installation sheet."
Customer: "Ok, so what do I do next?"
Me: "Sir, do you see the number 6?"
Customer: "Yup."
Me: "What does it say?"
Customer: "It says to reinsert the disk and click on [filename]."
Me: "Ok, so I'd go ahead and do that."
Customer: "Ok, so now what, do I click on 'OK'?"
Me: "Sir, in step 6, does it then say to click on 'OK'!?"
Customer: "Yup."
Me: "Then I'd go ahead and do that."
Customer: "Ok...so, what do I do next?"
Me: "Sir, do you see the number 7!?!?!?"
I worked for a company that provided billing and office management software to physicians' offices. Most of our users had dumb terminals with dial-up or dedicated lines that connected them to a stack of Unix systems at our facility. One day, we received a call transferred from the front-line help desk. The user was saying her enter key wasn't working.

My co-worker and I were the support techs for the organization. We took the call and found that when the user hit the enter key, the information wasn't accepted, and the cursor simply moved one column to the right. Now, the terminal hardware in the offices was rather old and prone to bizarre failure behavior. Keyboards and logic controllers would die in very odd ways.

We went through our hardware troubleshooting procedures. We confirmed that it was just this one key that was malfunctioning, and that the problem persisted when the keyboard was swapped out with another.

We tried checking keyboard mapping settings in the terminal and in the software she was using, but nothing worked. Finally we monitored the serial data stream by hooking another terminal up to the inbound port on the multiplexer and placing it into "dump" mode. As the user hit the troubled enter key, we saw a continuous line of hex 0x20's -- the ASCII space character.

At this point we were resolved to having to replace the whole terminal. As we had no spares and were waiting on a shipment, we couldn't do it for at least three days. The user expressed concern at being without a functional terminal for that period. We asked her to use the second enter key until we could fix the problem permanently. The following dialog ensue😛

Her: "What second enter key?"
Me: "Over on the right hand side of the keyboard, there's a number pad. There should be an enter key over there that you can use."
Her: "Which one?"
Me: "It should say 'Enter' or have a crooked arrow pointing to the left, depending on the keyboard model. It should look identical to the broken enter key."
Her: "There's no key over there that looks the same."
Me: "Well, what does the broken key say on it?"
Her: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "What does the broken enter key look like, exactly?"
Her: "It's big and long, and it doesn't have anything on it."
Me: "... And it's the one at the bottom of the keyboard?"
Her: "Yes, that's it!"
Me: "And you say that every time you hit it, it just puts a space on the screen?"
Her: "Yeah!"
Me: "That's because you're hitting the space bar."
We heard a swift intake of breath, and then the user hung up.

Somehow, one day after years of working on the same software, with the same terminal, performing the same procedure, she decided that the space bar was the enter key. We stared at each other for about five minutes after she hung up, utterly disbelieving that we didn't even think about checking to make sure the user was hitting the right key and even more disbelieving that in the nearly 45 minutes she was on the phone, it never occurred to her that the key marked 'enter' might be the one she wanted.

Co-Worker: "I have a customer here who say's he cannot access a specific record and gets kicked out of the program."
Me: "Ask him if he had any network problems lately."
Co-Worker: "I already asked the usual questions, but nothing works."
During this conversation I found all the symptoms pointed to a server crash. But my co-worker assured me that they have had no server problems whatsoever. So I asked him to ask the customer to send a copy of the database for further examination. Surely all the tell tale symptoms of a server crash would be there, and I joined my co-worker at his desk for the remainder of the conversation.

Co-Worker: "Sir, we believe you had a server crash that resulted in the database getting corrupted. We'll need the working database to correct the problem."
Customer: "We didn't have a server crash. It must be a fault in your program. I want a patch to fix this problem."
Co-Worker: "The program is running fine, but we have a strong indication that you did have a problem with your server, and we'll need your database to repair this problem."
Customer: "Look, we did not have a server problem."
Co-Worker: "Sir, we know that you had a server crash. And to avoid further problems we have to repair your database as soon as possible."
Customer: "What is wrong with you people? I told you, WE DID NOT HAVE A SERVER CRASH. I want a patch for the program."
Co-Worker: (reading from the database log file) "On [date] at [time], [customer] -- that is your login name, right? -- booted up. And halfway through the login procedure the the system stopped logging. Now--"
Customer: "I KNOW THAT! That's why I'm complaining. Your software did this."
Co-Worker: "Sir, we have no indication that the program wrote any faulty data to the database. Are you sure you have had no problems with the server? Anything suspicious? Even trivial thoughts?"
Customer: "No, nothing.........ehm......I don't think it is relevant but......someone turned the server switch off by mistake this morning, but he turned it back on really quickly so that can't have been the problem.... Right...?"
A gentleman with a western accent called up saying that he was not satisfied with our service and wished to cancel. After telling him that he would need to call back during business hours and speak with customer service, I asked if there was anything I could do to make the service more satisfactory.

Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months now, and still I can't get connected."
Tech Support: "Have you called us about this before?"
Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times."
So I got his username and looked him up. Sure enough, there were two tech logs under his name, so I read them briefly. Virtually everything that could be checked had been checked. Something about the way he was talking to me made me a little curious, so I continued to ask questions.

Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you double-check your settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?"
Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here."
Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?"
Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."
Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?"
Customer: "I ain't got no icons."
Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?"
Customer: "Nope."
Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"
Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop."
Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?"
Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee."
Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your computer?"
Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's words."
Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'"
Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around."
Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?"
Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect."
Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"
Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected."
Tech Support: "Go--"
Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."
Tech Support: "It what?"
Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."
Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?"
Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all."
Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more."
Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web page?"
Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens."
Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?"
Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean."
Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?"
Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get connected."
Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--"
Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect. By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but still I press on."
Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages on the Internet."
Customer: "I follow ya."
Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person."
Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?"
Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser."
Customer: "I do?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?"
Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'."
Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after that, go ahead and call us back."
Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."
The customer never called back. He also did not cancel his service the next day. The whole call took just over an hour and a half and I was ready to pull my hair out at several points. After the call, though, we were laughing over it for hours.

Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small dialog box on your desktop."
Customer: "I don't see any box on my desktop."
Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks like a small window with an 'OK' button in the middle of it."
Customer: "How can a window be in my desktop?"
Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking at?"
Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's no box on it, just the computer. However I do have a small window at the top of my wall, but I don't see anything that says 'ok'...."
Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to one of our younger support technicians, deciding this would be the perfect "field trip" for him. I told the customer we would have a technician drop by on site that afternoon to help him.

The following is what the unsuspecting young technician experienced.

The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of nowhere: there was nothing but barren land for miles in all directions. As he approached the house, he noticed a ring of cows, dogs, chickens, and pigs running loose and circling the house making an awful noise.

As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half eaten animal near the front of the house. Later, he learned, whenever the customer needed to feed his dogs, he would step outside and shoot a calf.

Entering the house, the young technician noticed a very large pet door in the door. This was so the dogs and pigs could come and go as they pleased.

Inside the house was absolute filth. Mud and grime covered the floor and the walls, pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the recliner chairs. The stench of filth was unbearable.

The customer took the technician to the back room, where the computer had been set up. A chicken was nesting on top of the monitor and droppings were running down the side.

It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits, and never looked back. Later the tech called me from his home, where he was still trying to wash the stench from his clothes. He hadn't been in our ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his clothes were ruined.

I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional. One day I received a call from a woman who had much difficulty explaining herself and even more difficulty understanding what I was asking of her.

Tech Support: "Ok, what version of word do you have?"
Customer: "Virgin!?"
Tech Support: "No, no...what VERSION do you have?"
Customer: "Huh?"
Tech Support: "You know what? I don't care. Let's move on."
Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her problem.

Tech Support: "And how often does this happen?"
Customer: "Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens constantly."
Tech Support: "Uh huh."
I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear my agitated laughter.

The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think that she didn't really know what I was saying, nor had the intelligence to question why I hadn't begun troubleshooting. Then I had an idea.

Tech Support: "Well everything seems to be in good standing on your system. Nice talking with you."
Customer: "Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very much!" (click)
I never really found out what her issue was.

Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--"
Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!"
Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search."
Customer: "How do I do that?"
A former professor of mine was receiving a Javascript error when trying to view a particular web page. In trying to determine why he was having the trouble I asked what browser he was using.

Me: "You may have an older browser. What browser are you using?"
Him: "Well, I don't have a brand new computer, but it's not obsolete. I have Pentium 233 with 64 of the big ones."
Me: "You mean 64 megs of RAM?"
Him: "Yeah, RAM."
Me: "Ok, but what browser are you using? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
Him: "I have Windows 95."
Me: "Ok, that's the operating system. What do you use to look at a web site?"
Him: "Oh, I'm using Office 97."
Me: "Yes, but what browser? When you look at a web site, what program do you use?"
Him: "Office 97."
Me: "Office 97 isn't a browser though. When you double click on the icon to connect to the Internet, it opens a program that lets you look at web sites on the Internet. What program opens? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
Him: "My computer is not obsolete. I have Pentium 233."
I never did find out what browser he uses.

Tech Support: "Hold down the F2 key."
Customer: "Where is that?"
Tech Support: "On the left side of your keyboard, above the two -- just right of the Escape key."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "So now we are in the System Setup screen?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "All right. Hit your Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys. Then your F2 key."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now we are in the System Setup?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Does it say, 'Loading Windows 95'?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what is on your screen?"
Customer: "It's gray."
Tech Support: "Just gray? It does not say anything?"
Customer: "No. Just gray...with blue and white."
Tech Support: "Are there letters on your screen?"
Customer: "Yes."
Aargh.

Tech Support: "Read them to me."
Customer: "C-o-p-y-r-i--"
Tech Support: "Do they form words? Do the words form phrases? Do the phrases form sentences?"
Customer: "I suppose."
Customer: "I'll have you know, I've never even seen a computer before yesterday."
Great. Great start to a call. He wanted to install the Internet connection software we have, so I had him insert the CD. "It ain't workin'!" was all I heard for about two minutes of trying the drive and checking to see if it was really there.

Tech Support: "Sir, could you eject your CD for a moment? We need to check if it's scratched."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Look on the bottom of the CD, and see if there are any scratches on it."
Customer: "On the bottom? Shouldn't we check the top?"
Tech Support: "Is the shiny side of the CD on the top?"
Customer: "Of course."
Tech Support: "Ok, could you flip it over so the shiny side is down and then insert it into the drive?"
Customer: "Won't it scratch if I put it in like that?"
Tech Support: "No, it won't scratch."
Customer: "Well, ok...."
He inserted the CD in the drive correctly, and then his computer froze.

Customer: "My computer froze! I told you it would scratch the CD!"
Tech Support: "I'm sure that's not the problem--"
Customer: "I can't believe you scratched the CD."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir, could you hold down 'ctrl' and 'alt', and then-- (clunking sounds) Hello? Hello, sir?"
There was no one on the line for a moment. Then he spoke up again.

Customer: "I've been holding 'ctrl' and 'alt' for the past two minutes, and nothing is happening at all on my whole damn computer, because you made me scratch the software."
Customer: "My program doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Which program are you using?"
Customer: "The one I use to get my work done."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, we support many different programs, what's the name of the program you use?"
Customer: "I don't know; it's the one that comes up when I start my computer."
Tech Support: "Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your computer?"
Customer: "No, I can't get the program to come up so I can't tell you what's on the screen."
Tech Support: "Is your computer on?"
Customer: "Of course it's on! I know how to turn on my computer!"
Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?"
Customer: "I don't know. You're the help desk -- you're supposed to know that."
Tech Support: "Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?"
Customer: (angrily) "I just told you I can't get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don't think you're very helpful, and I'll have you know that I personally know one of the programmers, and I'm going to call her since I know she'll be able to help me!"
This woman calls in, having a problem with her video card. Her initial rundown on the situation seems like she would know what she was talking about. But no.

Customer: "So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing."
Tech Support: "It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?"
Customer: "Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc."
Tech Support: "Ok, then what happens?"
Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
Tech Support: "It doesn't do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?"
Customer: "Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says 'Windows' on it."
Tech Support: "Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens here?"
Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
Tech Support: "Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?"
Customer: "Oh yes."
Tech Support: "All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Tech Support: "So what is the problem?"
Customer: "The computer doesn't do nothing."
Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal."
Customer: "Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal."
Tech Support: "So again, what is the problem anyway?"
Customer: "My desktop is all washed out looking."
I sent a JPEG from my recent vacation to my mother as an email attachment. I then telephoned her to see if she was able to view it. After attempting to get her to use the 'File/Open' command in Netscape, I realized that my 'Open' dialog was different from hers, and so I couldn't talk her through it. But I tried to determine which OS she was running.

Me: "Do you know what operating system you're running? Is it Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?"
My Mother: "I don't know, but it must be Windows 95."
Me: "Ok, do you see a 'My Computer' icon on your screen?"
My Mother: "'My Computer'? What's that?"
Me: "It's a picture of a computer with the words 'My Computer' underneath it."
My Mother: "I don't have that."
Me: "It would be on the desktop."
My Mother: (getting irate) "I don't know what you're talking about."
Me: "Mom, tell me what you see when you turn your computer on."
My Mother: "Nothing."
Me: "You don't see anything? No words appear on the screen? Nothing? Well, what do you see on your screen right now?"
My Mother: "I don't see anything."
Me: (getting frustrated) "You're staring at a black screen? There's nothing there at all?"
My Mother: "I'm not technical. I don't know these things."
Me: "I just want you to describe what you see."
My Mother: "I don't see anything. I just get on here and clickity-click."
Me: "I gotta go, Mom."
We have one customer who is notorious in the tech support department. We all dread getting a call from her. She is truly stupid when it comes to a computer.

Tech Support: "Ok, you are in C😕WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So type 'A' colon and press enter."
Customer: "'A'? What's an 'A'?"
Tech Support: "It's the first letter of the alphabet. 'A' like apple."
Customer: "Ummm...what's an 'A'? I don't know what it is."
Tech Support: "Grade school, remember? The letter 'A'?"
Customer: "Oh, ok. Where is that?"
Tech Support: "Left side of the keyboard. Next to the 'S'."
Customer: "Ok...I think I found it. What do I do?"
Tech Support: "Press it. See what happens."
Customer: "Ok, I've got an 'A' now."
Tech Support: "Now press the colon. It's next to the 'L' key."
Customer: "How do I get it?"
Tech Support: "Hold down the 'shift' key."
Customer: "How to you spell that?"
Tech Support: "S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that down and press the colon."
Customer: "I can't find the colon."
Tech Support: "It's to the right of the 'L'."
Customer: "How do I get it?"
Tech Support: "Hold the shift key and press the colon key."
Customer: "Oh, ok...I think I've got it."
Tech Support: "Good, now hit 'enter'."
Customer: "Where's that?"
This whole conversation of two commands took almost an hour. I have no idea how this lady ever made enough money to buy a computer. It amazes me how someone can forget the alphabet. She's nice, but she's amazingly dumb.