Join the new world

It's like a variety show, but lamer somehow

^{Mood Musik yo}

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You don't want to read a dry propaganda article, and I don't want to write one, so here is a much more serious exposé on the treachery that pfelites hath wrought and wreak every day upon the unsuspecting masses. You're welcome.

The War on Christmas


^{Happy Holidays is what terrorists say. It's also what we say, stop stealing our words, terrorists!}

Some of you may have done some light reading on Christmas Congress, it may have sounded enticing, with Workers and Taylor Swift and all sorts of flashy temptations to draw your click, but I beseech you, do not let down your guard, never forget your purpose.

The War on Christmas is very real, I can only assume that's why I see so many people chopping down and destroying pine trees by the thousands, and it extends to everything, even eRep is not safe from its crossfire. I can only hope you're on the right side, because,

The War on Christmas has just begun


^{This was the basis for the initial subplot in Empire, but fared poorly with test audiences}

While common sense and numbers tells us that having the election the day after Hanukkah will have minimal effect on turnout, especially compared to the fact that it will also be Christmas, we at Goodbye Blue Monday say hogwash, that's just what Santa wants you to think.

So, while Santa is busy showing off his fancy sleigh and eight pretentious unlikable reindeer (who, let's be real, have nothing on inanimate candles), take a break from shining your menorah, and vote with your heart, and with your conscience, maybe consider the Federalist Party.

But Paul, I thought this was going to be a satirical article or something, now it just looks like propaganda.

Fear not, brave reader, this article is about to take another genre turn. Now, it's conspiracy.

What if I told you Santa wasn't a benevolent gift giver, but was rather Pfeiffer himself, and "presents" is just a code word for bribes to vote for the USWP. This is possible not-yet-proven corruption at the highest level of the Christmas institution. God only knows what the elves really do.


^{This artist's sketch is proof that in this Marvel Universe, Santa and Odin are one and the same}

I'm just as shocked as you are. In fact, dozens of multies sacrificed their lives to give this information to Goodbye Blue Monday.

So, what option do you have? Perhaps you could vote for the WTP, or AMP or even celebrate Kwanzaa. I mean, that's cool too. Or, you could vote for a Party that puts the "list" back in "Federalist." Hang on, that doesn't sound right.


^{This has been an in depth analysis of the top 5, as well as incisive religious commentary}

So, these Federalists, huh, why should I vote for them? Well I'll give 12. Now, there are like 20 more, but some more-official-than-this (gasp) article will probably list them,

So, let's analyze the Fed Congress list.


^{The answer is no, this image couldn't be more generic}

1) Paul Proteus: Possible incredibly long dormant eSwiss sleeper spy, and former President but also in charge of Goodbye Blue Monday quality control. Make of that what you will

2) Viky: Formerly a cat before a horrible science experiment-gone-wrong turned her into a human. Also veteran of the national stage and Fed treasurer for months, and all signs point to nothing being missing, or at least they will after a certain Paul Proteus receives his monthly bribe.

3) Molly Emma: Clearly never heard of her, has she even been every position I can think of? Oh.

4) Ischelle: Witty personality on IRC. This won't pass muster in Congress. This intrepid reporter looks forward to seeing her good humor destroyed by the intense mundanity and quixotic nature of Congress.

5) Dave Gulya: This publication is unsure how it feels about people with first and last names in this game, but has been assured that Dave is cool and can get Congress into all the most exclusive box-socials

6) Apollo221: Is he Batman? We can't be sure, but goddammit we can't be sure he's not


^{Look, I'm just saying I've never seen Apollo and Batman in the same room together}

7) ScottCoyleSr: What happened to ScottCoyleJr, huh? We demand answers, and this isn't just because we're jealous of his 2008 street cred.

8 ) Slybabymichelle: Solid party work? Check, super long name? Check, what's not to like? Maybe the super long name.

9) Ace Viper: Officially has a cooler name than Carlos Danger. #Winning. Look out for impending scandal that usually accompanies cool names.

Spot 10 Reserved for quality Old Fuk candidate. Do I know what that means? Totally, I'm asking you because it's a test obviously.

11) Hekter: Official Omega Speaker of Kongress. If you don't know what that means, it's probably evidence of your sanity. There are also unsubstantiated reports that he has slain Patroclus, and who here is braver than Patroclus, so beloved was he by all. May Hekter meet a violent death, yet even that shall do nothing to sate the emptiness left in our hearts. Farewell Patroclus, goodnight sweet prince.

12) Cromstar: Crom is old, really old. Like, Methusaleh's first friend in this game was Cromstar. On the bright side, he's probably the only person alive who actually knows the secret loopholes of the eUS consitution. On the other hand, if you touch him he'll probably collapse into dust, never again to possess the spark of life.


^{Yep, this is 100% Cromstar concentrate}

There are more, including Trekker, Artela, some pretty strong entries in their own right, but you'll have to take my word for it, because if I'm bored of typing, you're definitely bored of reading. So, to summarize, let's return to the insane ramblings I opened with,

Don't let Santa play you for a chump,
Vote Fed

That's all for today, Goodbye Blue Monday will return whenever their is news to break, or windows, we also break windows.

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And, your moment of zen:


^{It's just so confusing and awkward otherwise}

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Until next time,

Paul Proteus