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Welcome to the first XLYMPIC GAMES opening ceremonies... issue.
 
Thank you for joining us and spending the next three thousand and sixty-seven hours with us as we bring you live coverage of the inaugural XLYMPIC games commercial coverage, intercut with a few moments of some competition stuff.  (Disclaimer:  XLYMPIC game coverage will be broadcast “live” with a four day time delay for your viewing/reading pleasure.)
 
The festivities begin with the “Parade of POTUS-es” as our former Presidents make their way into the stadium for the big show, most drawn by the irresistible allure of free hot wings and beer.

First up, and first in our hearts, is the lovely and vivacious Fingerguns.  Recently returned to the game, she always brings the amazing wherever she goes.  We’re very excited to have her joining us as part of the XLYMPIC judging committee.
 

 
“It's not enough to simply catch that XLYMPIC GOLD dream,
You gotta gut it and stuff it and mount it on your heart.
This may be the most pivotal moment in any of our lives.”
~Fingerguns
 
Thank you for that ringing endorsement Madam Guns. And a hearty PewPewPew to you too. Don’t you dare take away our Second Amendment rights to Fingerguns!  That was bad.  Apologies.
 
Next up is the Sultan of Swag himself, Tenshibo.  Teezy’s swag is on full display as he casually maneuvers over some drunken chick that fell down due to the sheer excitement of merely being near his immense… personal aura.
 

 
"The Xlympics would be more fun if there was more X and less lympics aaaaaaayyyyy. But 4 real this boutta be lit. I'm so hype right now."
-Tenshibo
 
Tenshibo.  Is.  So.  Hype.  Right.  Now.
 
Bomb.
 
Okay, who is that I see entering now?  Is that… ?  Yes it is.  The very happy, very smart and very camera shy former POTUS, Evry.
 

 
“The XLYMPICs presents an opportunity for the community to get together, be active, and demonstrate some different 'talents' within the auspices of eRepublik. I appreciate the effort already put forth by our organizer, Hadrian X, as well as the effort that the competitors will be putting forth throughout the games. Best of luck.”
-Evry
 
What a coherent and cogent response Evry.  So rational that I won’t even make the joke – you know the one.  Today, you’re ALL MAN Evry.  Unless you really are a girl, then… y’know.  I support your decision.  Equal bathroom rights for all!!!
 
Up next is Evry’s AMP pal and eUSA’s resident gangsta gangsta, former POTUS, Israel “MF’ing” Stevens.  Israel definitely looks like he’s ready to have some fun.
 

 
 “You're fucking nuts Hadrian. Like, what is wrong with you? You're putting in 2010 level of activity for a 2016 pile of hot garbage.”
-Israel “MF’ing” Stevens
 
Perhaps I like hot garbage?  Or maybe I was in a coma and think it’s still 2010.  Or most likely, I’m a time traveler, riding my Delorean from 1986 to 2010 to prevent future Hadrian X from making the mistake of doing this silly XLYMPIC thing, but have somehow failed miserably.
 
Anyway, is that Yui MHCP001 I see passed out in the entrance tunnel in?  Why yes it is and look who’s stepping over him to join the red carpet!  It’s media mogul, regular mogul and eUSA’s own He-Man Master of the eRepverse, Gnilraps.
 


"Why is Yui here? Was he ever CP?"
-Gnilraps
 
We have no idea Gnilraps.  But perhaps the eUSA’s most alluring female, and also our most influential, would know?  Yes, that’s right, it’s the beautiful and charming Melissa Rose.
 

 
“Someone told me there were going to be sexy dancers and wine.”
~Melissa Rose
 
Indeed there is, but I see you’ve brought the party with you.  And especially for you Melissa, the key to the VIP room.  Everyone else gets the feeding trough filled with hot wings and beer helmets filled with PBR.  Enjoy!
 
Speaking of drinking too much, here comes the writer of eMerica’s favorite colored day of the week, the heavily inebriated Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Proteus!
 

 
"The XLYMPICS are basically a national retention program, except they're just being run by Hadrian. When he burns out I'm sure it will be spectacular, until then, dope shit"
-Paul Proteus
 
I wonder who he’s drunk shouting and pointing at?  Paul should write more amazing articles instead of berating random people.  Rude.  Ok, moving on.
 
Is that Goku from Dragon Ball?  No.  It’s the eUSA’s favorite James Bond-y sounding former POTUS and all around heartthrob, Lord John Killah!
 

 
"Is this mic recording? Why am I here again? Oh right, yeah, that thing! Erm, what was it ... the Pain Oylmpics? No? Shit. Oh well, I'm pretty sure this will be even better \o/"
-John Killah
 
Yes the mic was recording Lord Killah.  And the Pain Olympics are in the basement.  Entrance is in the storage closet behind the third floor women’s restroom.  Have fun JK!
 
I  believe next to enter the stadium is Orikfricai.  Or someone that looks surprisingly like him.  All dwarves look alike amirite?  Don’t look at me like that.  You know you can’t tell them apart either.
 

 
“I don't know much about the XLYMPICS. You and Rainy sent me a few PM's and I saw a post in the Fed Public section about it, but I've been too busy lately to participate in much so I didn't give it much of a look. Quickly reading over this, it looks like a few activities and a lot of prize money. Anything that drives activity will be great. I think I'll sign up for a few of these myself.”
-Orikfricai
 
You gotta love those dwarves.  Always grabbing for the gold.  What?  It’s not racist if it’s true.  Speaking of grabbing for gold – we hope all the XLYMPIANS will “GRAB FOR THE GOLDS!” (Official XLYMPIC motto TM).
 
And here comes another pint size Tolkein hero, eUSA’s favorite hobbit Press Secretary, AND THE BEST WRITER ANY OF YOU WILL HAVE THE HONOR AND PLEASURE OF READING IN THIS CLENCHED BUNG HOLE OF A GAME…. It’s Aramec!  Apparently he’s come straight from the beach.  Bold wardrobe choice for this event Aramec.  Well played.
 

 
"Oh I love it, I absolutely do. I mean we all go through it at one point or another, right? We're all human. We're there, it's been a hard day of hard work, and something inside you just... just clenches. And you can't push through it. Maybe it was the cheese, maybe it was chili, and you thought you'd be fine. But no matter how difficult the constipation is, I just take one XLYMPIC and boom! Out it all comes. 10/10, would use XLYMPIC again."
-Aramec
 
Hint, Tenshibo put ExLax in the chocolate fondue fountain.  We’ve been warning guests to avoid it, but it sounds like you might need seconds.  Have fun.  The porta-potties are on the first floor!
 
Oh look!  I would recognize that racing fire suit anywhere!  It’s former POTUS and alleged closet socialist, Tyler Bubblar.  Thanks for the sponsorship Tyler!  Feel free to join Melissa in the VIP room so Paul Proteus doesn’t vomit on you.
 

 
Hey, Tyler just hip checked Orik into the cheese dip! That’s gonna leave a mark.
 
“There's no literary evidence Orikfricai is a former CP....”
-Tyler Bubblar
 
He told us he was and he carries that big ass axe wherever he goes.  Good enough for us.
 
Oh, look, it’s Teddy Roosevelt.  No, wait.  It’s the Joker.  No, it’s both!  It’s former eUS President dmjonhston.  Man that guy can move.  Can we get a quote?
 

 
NOTE:  We were unable to get a good picture of President dmjohnston as he ran by so fast.  Instead we have a stock photo of a dmjohnston cosplayer inside the empty stadium prior to the event.
 
“I had no idea what the XLYMPICS were before I Googled it and found the articles. Impressive activity booster. Hopefully people take part in something that is actually fun in that horrendous game that is eRep.”
-dmjohnston
 
Well said, sir.  Well said.
 
Wait.  Is that?  Could it be?  Yes it is!  It’s  former President Inwegen, affectionately dubbed “Wiggy”.  You can’t call him that.  Only his friends can. Right Wiggy?  Please don’t have me killed.
 

 
“The event is a great way to drum up some fun during the summer doldrums and is genuinely the most creativity we've seen in awhile. Good luck to all the participants!”
-Inwegen (aka Wiggy, aka The Wigster, aka Big Wig, aka Wigfucius, aka Mr. Richardson)
 
Whew, thankfully Wiggy had better things to do in this particular instance than have me murdered.  Would hate to have people pour one out to me with skunked PBR.  What? I got a great deal.
 
And the last but certainly not least in our Parade of POTUS-es is the elusive Vanek26.
 

 
“You guys should play P-*censored*-r and spread the love of Dio to new lands. But in any case, good luck to the participants, and remember, Vanek is Victory.”
-Vanek
 
Thank you Vanek. You heard the man, let’s all “VANEK THE SHIT OUT OF THESE XLYMPIC GAMES!” (TM XLC)
 
Now the competitors are making their way into the stadium.
 

 
The games will feature 78 different competitors representing 13 different organizations.  They will compete in six different events with a total prize pool of almost $150,000 cc.
 
A FULL LIST OF COMPETITORS IS HERE:  https://xfilesbyhx.wordpress.com/xli-xlympic-i-team-rosters/
 
The first delegation is the AMP, consisting of Beerman616, Evry, Israel Stevens, Synesi and Two Hawks.

Next up the Bear Cavalry seems to have a lone representative, the recently returned Mama Lunete.  Nice hat Mama Lunete.  You are very funny to wear that hat.
 
The  Black Sheepers are next with a lone contestant, Jordic69.  Baaa Jordic!  Way to wear that wool!
 
Behind the sheep are the brofestiest bros in the broverse, the Broforce!  Aramec, Derphoof, Fionia and the stumbling Paul Proteus.  We thought he’d slow down his drinking since he graduated college already.  So much puke. Can someone get Paul an Altoid?
 
And here comes the largest contingent here at the XLYMPIC games, EZC!
 
Animis carries the flag for EZC mostly because she don’t walk behind no one.  Following behind her are Buckwheat McCoy, Celtic Knight, Chavo Ellison, Comet Academy, ComplexCrow, gigiviteza, Gnilraps, Iamnameless, JamArber, LuckyNumber85, MARIUS CB, MaryamQ, Stef40, steffanos, synhro, ThePrinceOfBosnia, ubuntu21, WhydoIbotherToo, whynotme
 
What’s this?  A member of the SFP delegation is running up to a member of the EZC crew.  Ya Boi D Money is holding a sign and shouting at Gnilraps - “Down with DICKtators!  Face me you big chicken!  SUMMER SLAM!!!!”
 

 
Security ushers Ya Boi back to his teammates in SFP.
 
Speaking of the SFP, it’s the Federalist Party up next with the second largest delegation.
 
Ace Viper, Andrizzle, Crimsonninja, Gabrielz_Horn, Ihsan the Magnificent, Lex Talbot, MacAuthor, Orikfricai, RevlisEtan, shadowber, Tenshibo, Wasp15 and Yui MHCP001.
 
They sure do look proud and horny.  All of them.  Except for Yui.  He mostly looks just horny.  But we shouldn’t rib him too much.  We owe 1/27th of all our success to him.  GRAB FOR THE GOLDS YUI!
 
And speaking of horny, it’s the independent team of Jocker 94 and Joey3790.
 
Followed by the equally horny Custer from Old Farts United.
 
Followed by the even more horny Andrax2000 from Party 100.  Wait, who let Party 100 into the competition?
 
Is that Ya Boi D Money we hear shouting curse words at Gnilraps?  Indeed it is.  Here comes team SFP, the third largest of XLYMPIC delegations.  Good job you Communist bastards!  VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
 
Adrian Blackk, Franklin Stone, GonzoVeritas, Ilene Dover, John Gregorson, SamalNSK, Tendou, Thomas Pynchon, Tom Cauchon, Wooky Jack and Ya Boi D Money.
 
And following behind the commies is the United States Armed Forces.  AIM HARD!
 
DaKoS VK, Garmr, KnightNight97, MishaMadness, TTi09 and Tyler Bubblar.
 
Next up is the contingent from the USWP.  I know those guys!  Sup guys?
 
Andy Dufresne, Antonio Wimer, Cthulhu.., Henry Pfeiffer Arundel and Inwegen.
 
Two War Inc. badasses are covering the rear.  How do we know they’re badasses?  The title says it all.  WAR.  INC.  ‘Nuff said.
 
Cerastes Admanteus and Ray Barone.
 
And last but not least is the WTP party… because least was a four way tie between OHFU, P100, Bear Cav and the BSP.
 
Here come the people-ers!
 
Go Eun Byul, Na Maloom Afrad, Pompous, The Mike and Tyler VS.
 
And that’s it.  I’m sure there’ll be some fireworks or a video or something coming soon.
 
I just haven’t had time to do that part yet…
 
BUT, events are now OPEN FOR SUBMISISONS!  Competitors and judges, you will be getting PM’s sent to you in game today.  In the meantime, here are some links for you to… click on.
 
Competitors can confirm which events you are registered to participate in here:  https://xfilesbyhx.wordpress.com/xli-event-competitors/
 
Also, SUBMISSIONS ARE NOW BEING ACCEPTED here:  https://xfilesbyhx.wordpress.com/xli-event-schedule/
 
And judges, to see which events you are scheduled to judge, you can see the list here:  https://xfilesbyhx.wordpress.com/xli-event-judges/
 
So, signing off for now.  And don’t forget to GRAB FOR THE GOLDS!
 
Seriously, video coming soon…
 
Thanks for playing… and reading!
 

 
Also, NOW THIS…
 

 
The WINNER(s) of last issue's COLIN LANTRIP MEMORIAL AWARD OF COMMENTING EXCELLENCE and (sharing) $1,000 USD/cc is a tie between PAUL PROTEUS & PFEIFFER!
 

 

 
Finally, please vote it up for her hotness, Margot… just do it.