WHPR[Day1390]Around the Horn

Day 1,390, 07:02 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room


Citizens of the eUnited States of America,

Cabinet News:
Chief of Staff Cromstar has taken a proactive approach to his role in administrating the Alexander_Auctoritas Cabinet. The result is that the officials appointed to oversee the various functions of Government have been active and engaged. This is an efficient Government.

Department of Defense News:
It is pretty obvious that ONE does not gaf about Spain. And while Spain has occasionally rallied to win some mini-battles and even recover a region, they are not able to put up the consistent damage that would concern us. The result is that we are not only controlling the Spanish-American war front but we are also able to send major amounts of damage in defense of Croatia and other Terra objectives.

Department of Interior News:
There are few things more arresting than a visit to Bewbs 4 Newbs. In case you didn't know, the Interior Department will shoot you a wad of yogurt (free food) just for posting a photo in this Forum thread. If you are a new player, you are throwing money away by not jumping all over this... it's reason alone to have an eUS Forum account.

Department of Education News:
Secretary Blank Keating has two DoE articles due out very soon. When you see them, vote them so that our newest players can find them easily.

Department of State News:
We sent Reporter Aeroner (whose The Treasure Map is alway very funny) to find out what is going on in the State Department after hearing rumors that they were stockpiling Interns. Here's Aeroner's report:

Recently appointed Secretary of State Jelly9473 has some interesting stuff planned for the State Department, including hiring more people than the population of Andorra. He’s also way hotter than Hilary Clinton.

Among the new things Jelly has planned for the State Department, he plans on bringing new ideas to the table, fresher than fresh bagels. He intends to use these ideas to bring about a new era in eUS Foreign Policy, presumably by kicking ass and taking names, to finally beat those communist/terrorist/hippies. I do hope that Jelly is planning a takeover, a New New World Order, to bring peace to the world and capitalism to those dirty countries we always hear about on the news.

However, Jelly and his fourteen deputies have much more planned for the State Department, including getting name-tags, because let’s be honest, you can barely remember your cousins’ names, how are you going to remember his deputies? It’s plain to see that Jelly went all out in picking his deputies, and I think it’s because he got them at a sale or at some sort of sketchy flea-market/ dirty garage sale. Jelly has made sure that he’s hired so many deputies that he will never be alone. Ever. Yes, even then.

The objectives for the State Department are straight and to the point. Of course, I’m paraphrasing, but their goals are as follows:

*Crushing Spain like little baby-man
*Quenching our hot erotic thirst for Terra
*And finally, seeking out smaller countries to be our own personal bitc.. I mean allies.


They also plan on holding an extremely sexy bonfire, things are bound to get hot and heavy.

-Aeroner

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More BS:
President A^2 has been forced to attend to a minor annoyance in the form of a certain notorious gasbag who has been once again treasonously betraying the eUSA. Yes, you know who I am talking about, and if you don't, Please Try Harder to figure it out.

It seems everyone's least favorite greasy pie has been smearing lies and deception in Romania. But fear not, your PoTUS has addressed the problem and further damage has been averted.

I've always preferred Papa John's anyway...

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Keep clicking fight,
Gnilraps
White House Press Secretary