Join the new world

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.

"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".

Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.

"Where the hell did you get that?"

Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.

"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.

"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."

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"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not." --George Bernard Shaw

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"When they discover the centre of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." --Bernard Bailey

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A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.

The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.

Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

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"I'm glad you were able to tear yourselves away from the Winter Olympics. The sporting event that answers the question, how many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?" -Jimmy Kimmel

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"The Lego Movie is number 1 at the box office. I saw it. I'm a little disappointed. I liked the first half of the movie but it sort of came apart at the end." -Craig Ferguson

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Some interesting thoughts from Sue, My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch?

A: Icebergers!

Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?

A: Ice caps!

Q: What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?

A: Frost bite!

Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow?

A: An Eskimoo!

Q: What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?

A: She gave him the cold shoulder!

Q: Where does a snowman keep his money?

A: In a snow bank!

Q: What happens when cranberries get depressed?

A: They turn into blueberries!

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A: They suspected it of fowl play!

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