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I can haz Joe Newton as My Virgin Bride!

Day 938, 18:34 • Published in USA Canada

• by DMV3

Since the marriage of Joe Newton and Fionia has apparently crashed and burned faster than the APF during a party president election, I have decided to take Newton as my virgin bride (without his consent if necessary). To accomplish this I've decided to follow the wonder example of my buddy MSTA, by writing a psychotic letter that is so epicly fail that's bond to win over his affection (it worked for him and Fionia, it's bound to work for me and Newton too).

I knew that first day you raped me in #eus-congress, that someday you would be mine. Thanks to Fionia finally realizing her undying love for MSTA, that day shall be very soon.

I still remember our first date, when Fionia went on vacation and left me to take care of you. You were so adorable banging on your cage trying to escape. When I finally let you out you were so scared and nervous, I almost felt bad for what I wanted to do to you. The guilt didn't stop me, as I knew you wanted what was coming, as much as I did.

I love you Joe Newton! Quit being a scared little *&%$^, and marry me already!