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As many of you already know, New Jersey was taken today by the French imperialists. This is a crushing blow to American confidence, as well as the stability of our nation. Unfortunately, it seems that they are not satisfied with taking New Jersey, as they are now pushing forward into the great state of New York.

I hope that we can all stand together and push our common enemy out of our homes. Sadly, it seems that Hokkaido has been successful in its most recent attempt in liberation from American occupation. Now it seems that our nation is going the way of the Serbs. What will we do?

Before France takes out the whole east coast, we must show them that they cannot just take our land and expect us to go down quietly. This, my good people, is just not the American way. Every branch of our great military must fuse together in the defense! As we all know, a great defense is the best offense.

In less patriotic news, my interview with Ronald Gipper Reagan should be up by tomorrow in the newest edition of "America, by The People". It might be appropriate for me to say that next issue will be the most polarizing.