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Tanks for Jokes

Day 2,340, 18:42 • Published in Canada Norway

• by Major Lee Hung

Dear citizens of the People's Democratic Republic of Canada (and friends),

The United Front promised some events recently. Unfortunately the event we did plan to launch had some conceptual flaws, and we're planning something else. In the mean time, we're going to run regular events in which you can collect freebies.

So as our media now appears to be dead....

Post your best joke below and if I laugh I'll give you 10 Q7 tanks to fight the 'muricans

Please Note: We're not made of money so this will apply to Canadian citizens and people in my friends list only...

If you're a non-Canadian citizen and also not in my friends list, you're free to add me for the next event.

Comments

I-Bleed-Blue-93 Day 2,340, 18:58

\o/

I-Bleed-Blue-93 Day 2,340, 18:59

Joke: John has 20 chocolate bars, he eats 17. What does he have now?

I-Bleed-Blue-93 Day 2,340, 19:03

http://tinyurl.com/Brimleyheh

DMV3 Day 2,340, 22:11

I laughed

JonathonEdwards Day 2,340, 19:20

5 Swiss guys decide to holiday in Italy. Upon their arrival at the Swiss/Italian border, the Italian border agent informs the group that they are driving illegally, and must get off the road.

"Well, how are we doing that?" asks the Swiss driver.

"There are 5 of you driving in an Audi Quatro. Surely you know Quatro means 4, yet there are 5 of you in it."

The Swiss driver rolls his eyes. "Surely you know that is just the NAME of the car. There are 5 seat belts in this Quatro, and if you'd like, I'll show you in the car's manual that I may indeed have 5 people in this car."

"Sorry, Quatro means 4. You need to get off the road."

Frustrated, the Swiss driver exclaims, "Okay, you idiot. Go get me your boss."

Says the Italian border agent, "You may have to wait awhile. He's busy talking to the two people in that Fiat Uno."

TemujinBC Day 2,340, 19:22

A Scotsman is stranded on a deserted island. He roams around the beach looking for anything that might be used as a tool. To his good fortune, he comes upon a magic lamp. Upon rubbing it, out comes a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a robe!

"Would you like a smoke?" She asks
"Ah, you've got smokes do you?" he replies and is astonished when she opens the left side of her robe and hands him a package of cigarettes with a lighter

"Would you like a drink?" She then asks.
"Ah sweet dear I'd love a drink" he says as she opens the right side of her robe and hands him a glass of rum

"Would you like to play around?" She asks him seductively, to which he replies

"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!"

Thedillpickl Day 2,341, 10:19

Did not see that coming. Good one.

JonathonEdwards Day 2,340, 19:26

Did you hear that the Irish Government has finally begun to think seriously about driving on the right hand side of their roads?

They plan to experiment by having all the buses and loris drive on the right side, and if that is a success, they'll more the cars over too.

JonathonEdwards Day 2,340, 19:28

After the Quebec Liberals won a convincing majority in last week's provincial elections, a new Canadian alphabet was issue😛

abcdefghijklm NO PQ rstuvwxyz

klop123 Day 2,340, 19:56

Two peanuts were walking down a dark street at night...one was a salted.

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

klop123 Day 2,340, 19:57

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and sai😛 "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."

Watson replie😛 "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes sai😛 "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replie😛 "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes sai😛 "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Lucan Day 2,342, 16:29

hehehe i love the a salted joke

tomturc35 Day 2,340, 20:11

yo' mama so fat, when she fall off her bed she fall of the two side.
yo' mama so fat, she need 2 watch since she cover 2 timezone.
yo' mama so fat, when she walk infront the tv you miss your entire show.
yo' mama so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish.

Genyng Kislev Day 2,340, 20:43

yo' mama so fat, the picture she took with santa last year is still printing

Genyng Kislev Day 2,340, 20:52

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

What goes hop, hop, hop, BOOM?! A girl playing hopscotch in a minefield.

Is there an earthquake happening? Because I can see Djibouti shake.

Exalted Druid Day 2,340, 21:38

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Xander Kross Day 2,340, 21:58

How many eMurikans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. It was a planned outtage, and can't be changed until they NE the socket.

ikki5 Day 2,341, 04:15

What is round and ball shaped?

A ball

Stevenasaurus Day 2,341, 07:26

Why do girls travel in odd numbered packs?

They can't even.

Lansizzle Day 2,341, 07:41

How do you kill a circus???

Go for the juggler.

Lansizzle Day 2,341, 12:09

Thanks for the Q7s

Kippers Day 2,341, 08:14

What's funnier than a dead American?

2 dead Americans.

Muglack Day 2,341, 09:59

A piece of string walks into a bar, goes to the Bartender and says, "Gimme a shot of Jack and a beer."

The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Sorry boy, we don't serve your type here."

Pissed off the string glares at the Bartender, and walks out.

The next night the piece of string walks into the bar, goes to the Bartender and says, "Gimme a shot of Jack and a beer."

The Bartender shakes his head and says, "Listen boy. I told you last time, we don't serve your kind here."

The piece of string grumbles, and marches out.

The next night that same piece of string walks into that same bar, walks right up to the bartender and says, "Hey you, I want a shot of Jack and a beer and I want it now!"

The Bartender's face turns bright red and he says, "Listen here you dirty little piece of string. This is the third time you've come in here, and for the third time I'm telling you that we don't serve your kind here. Now either get out of my bar on your own or I'll get the boys here to drag you out and if you ever show your face around here again you'll regret."

At this point the piece of string is livid. He's seeing red, and starts screaming every curse word and name he knows and he's letting the bartender have it. But before the other people in the bar can get a hold of him he leaves.

Once the piece of string is out in the street he gets an idea. He goes into the alley and starts beating the crap out of himself. He takes an old bottle he finds, smashes it and uses it to cut his ends. Then he twists up so that there's a big knot right in the middle of himself. After a minute of reflection he regains his calm and proudly marches back towards the bar.

He steps through the front door and marches up to the Bartender.

When the Bartender sees him he says, "Aren't you that pain in the ass string that I just told never to come back here?"

The string smiles, looks him in the eye and says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Thedillpickl Day 2,341, 10:45

No tanks necessary, but thanks anyhow. 🙂

A man with a lisp walks into the bar.
Bartender says "Wadda ya have?".
The man sheepishly says "Dos youss hasss anyss burbonsss sspt?".
Couple of drunk guys start laughing because of the way the man talks.
Bartender pours the man his drink and gives the two drunks at the end of the bar the evil eye.
"Just keep your BS down there, this man came in for a drink and doesn't want to hear your shit."
Bartender turns to the man and apologizes "Sorry about dem guys, I try to run a friendly place here."
Man replies "Thanksss youss sirssss, tankss youss veryssss muchssss. Couldss Isss hasss anothersss shotsss?"
Bartender pours another and says "That'll be $20."
"TWENTYSSS DOLLARSSSSS?! FORSS TWOSSS DRINKSSSSS?!!"
Bartender says "Sorry man! Rents high in these parts. A businessman has to make a living."
Man pays the $20 and apologizes "Sorryss, Iss shouldn'tsss yellss atsss yousss."
"Aftersss allss yousss don'tsss makesss funss ofsss mess forsss thess wayssss Isss talksss."
Bartender says "Don't worry friend, I appreciate that you didn't make anything of my hump back."
"HUMPSS BACKSSS!!! Iss thoughtsss thatss wasss yersss asssss, everythingsss elsesss isss sosss highss insss heresss!"

Brother Jebediah Day 2,341, 11:33

Pirate saunters furtively into a bar with a paper towel on his head. Squinting at the bartender, "I'll be havin me a rum!" he says. Handing him his rum, the barkeeps ask "Why do you have a paper towel on your head? The pirate replies, "Arrrr there be a Bounty on me head!".